old feelings and old patterns - Al-Anon Family Group

jessi · Senior Member

old feelings and old patterns

luz · Newbie

Hi Jessi,

I can't believe that I came running to the board having just fallen into a familiar and painful old pattern of my own around money... being without enough (need serious dental work), credit problems, feeling impotent and ashamed, needing help, asking my mother and then certain predictable triggers setting off predictable reactions in me... feeling humiliated and not deserving of help etc, feelings of unworthiness and hate... round and round... blah blah blah. I walked out of the beginning of a hurtful explosion I've been through too many times before. That's different and good. Instead, I came to the board. I actually begin to calm down. Then here's your post!

Here are my thoughts... for me the victim role includes fear and paralysis about taking care of myself on all levels including practical matters like money and dental care... paralysis and then shifting the focus onto someone else... preferrably an alcoholic man who will first charm and romance me and then abandon and abuse me. Somehow the panic I feel underneath everything is connected to the numbing out I get by being in love with, suffering from and focusing on the alcoholic.

Now I'm trying to get well. Thank God for ALANON because here all this is understood. I want to stay away from 'MY DRUG' which is the focus on the Alcoholic, get through the terrifying and difficult withdrawal... but stick it out and stay away from it... and Step by Step learn a different way to feel, a different attitude to chose (including loving myself instead of self-loathing panic when I make a mistake or have to repair damage from life long self-destructive habits.

Though I do pretty well surviving actually in a way (if I detailed what I have survived and how, you might be impressed) I still have money and credit problems. When the rough mess comes up (like needing money and having bad credit and so feeling compelled to go to family), I still feel the beginning of panic and shame taking over.... just now for example with my mother. I still start to feel self hate and despair when I encounter the places where I still need work. But I now now it's possible to change this. As long as I work the steps I can keep on the best possible track for correcting mistakes and taking care of problems. It takes what it takes. It takes practice like learning to play the piano... over and over... and a good teacher. These rooms are my teacher.

Today, I didn't let the panic have control. I started over. I came to this forum and I now feel more centered and peaceful. There will be a way to take care of the financial difficulty. Feeling an attitude of faith in a state of calm will allow me to find possible solutions, including thinking of whom I might ask for advise (who will not humiliate me ... like a sponsor or a financial counselor).

You have helped me by being honest and expressing your feelings which were so like mine at almost the same moment. Thank you.

luz

lebe27 · Senior Member

Jessi,

I can so relate to both your and Luz's posts. I actually use to be pretty good with money. Of course then I had a husband who worked and I made more money myself. Since becoming involved with my A 3 1/2 years ago I piled up $100,000 in debt and had to file bankruptcy mostly because I was trying to buy his love. I gave him anything he wanted. Supported him totally for a year. Got him on disability now which helps some and of course have no credit so everything has to be cash. I could probably get a better paying job but would likely have more stress and less flexibility which is something I can't handle right now. So I just make the best of it. Seems though that as soon as we start to get ahead some he relapses and starts drinking the money away again. My Mom helps some (behind my Dad's back because he would be furious) but then I have to hear the crap about how I deserve better, she isn't paying so he can drink etc. As long as he is trying she is OK with it but when he is drinking again she doesn't want to help me and I really can't blame her. It really makes life tough when there isn't enough money to go around and it really complicates the living with the A situation as it just adds another major worry to the pot. I'll never be able to quit working and retire (I am 45 now and have no savings) and don't make enough to put anything away. I too need dental work and should any major car or house repairs come up I am screwed. Not much I can do about it at the moment though. Just got to hope for the best and hope that my HP will be there for me when I need him/her/it.

Lebe27

wallsal55 · Senior Member

I have a hard time facing debt. It does help my awareness, to write down every stinking penny I/we owe. Try to face it head on, but not get depressed or blue about it. Just acknowledge it. Anyway, recently I just purchased "Letting Go of Debt" by Hazelden from half.com or amazon.com. It is also available through www.hazelden.org. I think it deals with the emotions underneath deprivation, gambling, etc. I do not consider myself a gambler, but feelings of deprivation, and perhaps struggling to maintain a middle class lifestyle I was raised in. Also, I think I feel "entitled" to some things or rewards in life. Even for having lived with an alcoholic. Imagine THAT THINKING, but it's true about me.

It's so easy to buy something pretty or slide that plastic for a new pair of jeans because the others are way too faded and worn. So I know, I have work to do.

When it comes to finances, I have found the worst thing to do, is not to talk about it, not to talk to creditors, bankers, etc.

I recently found out that we asked a credit card company to lower their rates, because our son was offered by the same company a lower rate ! They complied, and lowered ours since I told them we were longstanding customers of X amount of years! So we do have choices, just not isolate in our own thinking where we see so few choices. Hope this Helps!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.