The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it that I read all the insightful, inspiring messages here and feel strong and no longer alone and ready to tackle these problems and then get home and get sucked right into my Abf's constant, daily drama? He is a dry drunk that has pretty much broken any feeling I have for him and I've told him so. I was always afraid before but lately I have just been brutally honest and told him when we met he had my love, trust, faith and hope and have meticulously dismantled all of them and have left me empty for him. I have nothing left to give. When we are apart I have peace and I think of him and smile b/c my mind plays tricks and allows me to feel the feelings I once had for my Abf that was actively in his program and meetings. Then I get home and I see the man who blames the world for what he's done. the man who calls me a lunatic and selfish, the man who has emotional affair after emotional affair just to turn around and tell me he has to fill voids b/c I'm mean and different and unapproachable. Why do I feel so full of conviction here and then go and feed right into the sickness. Am I ever going to jump off this roller coaster? Why do I allow him this power?
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I did that same thing with my Afather... Time & Time again... I allowed him to dicate my mood & how I felt about myself, and the whole 9...
It wasn't till I found MIP & My Face to Face Meetings that I really understood his sickness... And by then..For me it was too late... He pasted right before I found Al-Anon...
You are here... You see what it is doing to you, and since you called it out and acknowledged it, now maybe it will help you heal it for the long run
I found that i remained in insanity till "I" was ready to let it go... And like you I would come here, read, and then fall back into old habits... You are NOT Alone...
For me... I got More Litature, More Daily Readers, and the more the Insanity came, the more I read, and went to my F2F meetings till it ALL Sunk in...
You did not get were you are over night, and it will not be over night that you fix it... Be easy on yourself, take care of you, and allow him to have his own opinion... His thoughts... Are None of your Business... That is one thing I learned right away when i got here... Every time someone put me down... "What they think of ME Is NONE of My Business"... They are free to have their own thoughts as am I...
The Slogans are wonderful Like: How Important is it? (I ask myself this questions everytime I felt the churning in my stomach to Spue Back to their words)... Most of the time I just walked out of the room... Another help for me HUGELY... was Detachment... It takes a TON of practice, but once I got it... WOW... Detach with Love .... I have practiced this with my Abrother Big time... And now we get along like Never before... Yes... He is still an alcoholic. BUT... his problems are no longer MY Problems.. Al-Anon taught me that...
if you have a F2F meeting to go to... Please do... That are wonderful... And for me... Give me something to look forward too everyweek... Because I know "There" I will not be belittle, I will be Built Up... And what the alcoholic thinks of me... "IS None of My Business"...
Keep Coming back... You are getting there, and you are noticeing things that you didn't before so that shows growth... Keep Up the Good Work... You are Right were you need to be... Just One Moment at a time...
Please take what you like & leave the rest... Friends In Recovery... Jozie
Most of the time I just walked out of the room....
this is something else I meant to mention. Walking away is something I have always done. when I was younger I would get so angry, enraged at people and I taught myself to walk away, remove myself from the anger until I was calmer and could deal with the issue rationally. I worked hard on that and was proud that I was able to better myself, to find a more constructive way to deal with things. I find with my Abf that I get enraged again, I yell and say things to hurt and then I realize what I've gone back to and I walk away.....just to be yelled at. Called a quitter. Told to go ahead and walk away it's what I do best. this is such a sick, twisted disease. he doesn't drink but to me, women ( in his world--just friends to talk to) are his "bottle"--what he picks up to pacify himself. When he was working his program he said I was everything he ever wanted and belived I was the reward from his HP for working the steps and helping others (he worked in a rehab for years leading group, being a sponsor, helping the residents get their financial records in order) and now it's a sick, twisted mess.
How do you walk away when you are criticized for doing so. I know it's me....I need to ignore him, block it all out. It doesn't help that my 8 year old is there and he will push and push and push until I lose it and then shoots back, "some parent you are airing out our dirty laundry in front of your daughter." I'm trapped there another 2 months until I can get my own place again and I'm fearful I'll go nuts. and DETACHMENT? I can't even begin to fathom that --i'm full of nothing but hate for him right now.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
lizzakiss --- I live with my active/dry drunk hubbie and my active/dry drunk son. When I got here, I was absolutely crazed with all that went with this.
Like you, I'd come here, get calm, borrow some tools and then see how things went. I too had learned to walk away vs. engage a long while, but for me, there was something about walking away that felt wrong and/or contributed to my low self-esteem and lack of self-worth. Working with a counselor, I learned to walk away with a bit of 'grace' vs. storming off or stomping away leaving a breeze behind me.
When I got here, everyone said I needed to work on me and not work on them. I needed to take care of me and let them take care of them. I needed to do for me, and be kind and gentle to myself. I sat here and went, "Hummmmpfh - how do I do that?"
So - I've created my 'own little space' in our home. I moved a little bit of furniture around, and have my exercise bike in my room with a TV in front and also a DVD player. This was 'huge' for me as I rarely stop and do for me - let alone set up a little special place ... just for me.
I then went out and purchased a variety of books from the program and also found a few others for pleasure. I put these all together on a shelf below the TV. You know what?
While I was doing this 'stuff' for me, nobody noticed, nobody cared and the house was still standing. I did not realize how entrenched I was with all things and all folks - overly so - a mess I was.
The simplest thing I could think of to do for me was a bubble bath, a manicure, a pedicure, a facial - all things I used to do and had the 'stuff' for. I can't tell you the last time I had done anything like that for me.
So - I have my little space and actually have gotten brave enough to say, "I'm going to work out now." or "I need a bit of space/time alone right now." or ....
It's OK - I never knew I could step out of the middle of the chaos and that it would either continue or cease - depends on the day, the issue, the personalities, etc. But, by doing a few things for me and going to meetings and adding special me time, I am amazed at how much calmer I am.
I guess I am working hard to detach ---- with indifference. I don't know how to do it with love (yet), but am getting practice. I have had no choice but to let go and let GOD and focus on the serenity prayer. This has all eased my anger and helps me to think before reacting.
Give yourself a break and do some things just for you. When you look at your ABF, tell yourself it's the disease that's nasty, not him (this was my mantra last week). Take care of you and keep coming back. By golly - if I can find a bit of peace with this disease, I'm certain and hopeful that you can too.
(((((Hugs)))))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maybe you need him to blame him for your situation Lizz. Could be? Do you hate him or hate your situation? If you can change it with a different decision and behavior why do you need to keep doing the same thing over and over. Are you expecting a different result? For me what you describe is an abusive relationship. You are both doing each other. Who says uncle first and quits for no other reason than you've had enough of what you're doing. You don't like you and what you've been doing. It's okay to stop anytime you want without special permission from anyone else. Don't like how you're feeling? Do the opposite of what you're doing.
I was told when I first got into the program that it was a simple program for complicated people. Boy can I relate.
Stop anytime you want (((((girl)))))
I've always thought your avatar fit right in with your posts. Wonder why it was ever named the Jolly Roger...hmmmmm. Nothing jolly about where you are at right now.
