The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well to make a long story short........the guy I was dating and I broke up today. As I wrote this am I had been thinking about it for my reason, he had been for his.
It didn't happen the way I had wanted it too, but it was a good thing. The sad part is I knew when I woke up this am that it had to happen, yet I knew he had been hurt before, so the codie in me was trying to wait for the right time to end things, without hurting him or causing him anymore hurt. Turns out he wasn't as considerate. But in the end it was all good-the final word I got from him was that I was right about him, that he needed help to find out why he is the way he is, and that I am a great woman and he will miss me. That he likes my glass half full attitude but he is more realistic about life (aka pessimistic) I believe he is just a grown man who is afraid of being hurt again in love and life. Of course he will miss me-I'm a great woman:)
I was sad at how the ending came down, and cried, and was really happy and grateful that I cried. A year ago I'd have hunted him down and popped him a good one, that was me before AlAnon. Lots of anger.
Today, the new me, wrote him a very kind letter telling him that I prayed he'd get the help he needed to have a rich full life. (He is 46, never been married, no kids, and was hurt so badly before that he obviously is controlled now by his fear of getting hurt again-so like I used to do-he runs from caring. The most meaniful relationships, long term he has had that I know of are with his mother, his dog and a woman he dated for 2 years because his family liked her????)
I told him that I hoped he would get the help he realized now he needed and then shared some AlAnon literature with him that pertained to his situation and wished him the best.........signing it.......if nothing ever changes-nothing ever changes.
After the tears dried, I was so relieved that it was finally over I was astounded. It had been draining me so much to try to be positive while dating someone so negative and staying in the situation out of fear of hurting him........This codie stuff really can screw a person up can't it? Here.........let me be miserable, so everyone around me can be happy..........
I'm tired, a little sad, and relieved. He said he wanted to talk Weds.......I said there was nothing left to say-and there isn't......so should he call he can go to my voice mail.....Codie girl has left no forwarding number:)
UGHHHHH what a day! but a learning day..... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Brave, bold recovering lady! You had such a clear insight to yourself and your relationship. You made a powerful and classy choice to take care of you. Who knows what HP has in store for you. I know it will be great!
That ability to wish him well and let go would have helped me so much over the years. I couldn't let go even when I didn't wish him well! You are an inspiration.
I relate and have done the same thing in the past, wishing them well and happy trails bc it wasnt working between us. I too cannot stand fear around me anymore - I find life is so much better, even easier when I focus on the positive - instead of the neagative aspects of life. It is our choice after all.
You said u used to do what he is now - hiding, running but that never does protect you from getting hurt - he is only hurting himself first, so others cant. I did that too - we begin to abuse ourselves by doing this, perpetuating the abuse we expereince previously. When I realized that -- it was easy to want to turn it over, completely 180* it and be totally positive at all costs. I am a realist - but if it is my choice, to be light or dark - there is no contest -- Im the kitty of light, tyVm!
You keep on focusing on and being grateful for what you do have and cherish it -- soon u will find another right where you are, doing that very thing.
Way to take care of YOU, sweet heart.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Now that I have read your post I know a LOT about him, what you think he should do, what his problems are - he is very well diagnosed. Handing him Al-Anon lit on your way out the door and pointing your finger anyway but inward. Here, go fix yourself and I know the answers.... You are the reason for the breakup, you are the problem.
I have done this! I remember throwing a box of belongings at my RA one time and in it was a book on Narcissism. I had read through the entire book highlighting all the things that applied to him, making notes in the margins of specific examples. He was the designated patient. He was the problem, not me. He didn't even pay attention to it, and I had spent HOURS agonizing over that book, pouring every ounce of my anger and hate into it, and then literally THROWING it at him. I am not qualified to diagnose and have no room to judge another. All I can do (and it takes a LOT of effort) is control myself and set boundaries in my relationships. It is not my job to diagnose or give advice to another - I have proven I am not qualified, over and over again.
What about your behaviors, actions, and feeling during this relationship/breakup? What does your side of the street look like? Now that is a story I would be very interested in hearing as you are my friend and I love YOU.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Great job! You made a decision for YOU - even if you weren't the one to initiate the conversation. I am sure having made that decision already made you strong during the break up and less inclined to turn it around and ask him to stay, etc. That is what I would have done in the past - that feeling of panic b/c someone was rejecting - even if you know that it is the right thing... old stories...
I agree with others too - now you can take that extra energy that you were pouring into the relationship and use it to continue your own growth!
and I loved your quote - "codie girl has left no forwarding number"! YES!!!
Congrats... you are giving me strength too, as I go through the rollercoaster of my break up.
