The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I'm new, sponsorless, and hoping for a little guidance.
I think I've got the "can't control it" and "can't cure it." It's just a matter of making it habitual in my day-to-day life.
I'm having trouble, however, with the "didn't cause it." I know that I did not cause my husband's alcoholism, but i cannot seem to get it out of my head that my negativity/pessimism and constant dumping on him for two years straight, as well as my saddling him with a child and all of the added stress that comes with that, contributed to his relapse. (Yeah, I have low self-esteem.) I'm very interested in how others got over this.
It's good to acknowledge "my part in it" -- your part in making your relationship difficult. But he didn't have to deal with a difficult relationship by drinking. Thousands of people don't. If you could control his drinking -- if you could make him drink -- you could cure him, right? But if you could cure him, I'm sure he'd be cured by now. You can't cause it any more than you can cure it.
You might look at it this way: could he cause you to become an alcoholic? Even if he were very, very negative, would that turn you into an alcoholic? No, it wouldn't -- only your own choices could turn you into an alcoholic. Same with him.
That doesn't mean that you haven't done things that it might be good to change. But no matter how much you change your own behavior, he has to make the decision to stop drinking, just as he made the decision to start.
The answer to your question, is actually quite simple.....
He drinks... because he is an alcoholic...... Period.
You could be the meanest (or nicest), the ugliest (or prettiest), the dumbest (or smartest), the laziest (or highest energy) person on the face of the planet, and it simply would not matter in his addiction..... Oh, he likely blames you for his lot in life (most A's do), but the dead simple truth is that statement above.....
He drinks.... because he is an alcoholic.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
vlc - I just wanted to welcome you! I'm newer to this forum and like you am working hard to understand my part and the effect. I'm one who thinks in logical terms - cause/effect, action/consequence....and - it's not good for this disease at all.
I really like what Tom says (and needed to hear it). Everyone tells me to keep it simple - that's pretty darn simple...and logical too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm glad you found MIP. You can get lots of help here by continuing to post and reading older post. As tlcate suggested, please find a f2f meeting in your area. I noticed where you are from and I'm sure there are many meeting that are close to you.
Get it out of your system that you caused your Alocholic to drink, don't put yourself on that guilt trip. You can't cause him to drink anymore than I could. He made a choice to be sober, and he made a choice to start drinking again. Alcoholism is a disease, there is no cure. It is cunning, baffling and powerful, and can be and often is fatal.
My AW was sober for 8 months until this past Christmas Eve. I don't know why she started back drinking. I do know that she fought the battle everyday. She was and is attending 6 to 8 AA mettings each week. She has a sponsor she talked to then and now. She was working her program as best she could..........But in the end the disease won.
Before I came into this program I too would have wondered if I had done something to cause her to start drinking again. I've been in the program long enough now to accept and realize that I had nothing to do with her relapse. As I stated earlier the disease won again. It's always there waiting to raise its ugly head. Vanessa.......... neither of us caused our alcoholic to start drinking again.
The alcoholic in your life is going to do what he is going to do........the question is what are you going to do? You have taken the first step in taking care of yourself, because you deserve it !!!
Keep coming back.........this program works if "YOU" work it.
As previous posters have said, he drinks because he is an alcoholic.
You say you realize that you can't control it - so you realize that you can't stop him from drinking. The converse of that is also true - you cannot make him drink. No matter what you did, he could choose to be sober if HE wanted to. That's just the thing - he is the only one that can choose sobriety for himself. He can make the decision to choose sobriety regardless of what else is going on in his life, just like you can make the decision to choose recovery for yourself regardless of whether he continues to drink. Your recoveries are not one and the same, and each of you can only be responsible for your own. Alcoholics do a lot of finger pointing because it is much easier to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility for the damage he or she is causing in his or her own life. Blaming someone else means the alcoholic can feel justified in their decision to continue drinking. Part of your own recovery will be not accepting blame for other people's decisions, good or bad.
Again, welcome! I'm glad you're here, and hope you find some good face to face meetings in your area in addition to the wonderful community here.
Whoa there girl , saddling him with a child / my God kids are a gift and I know u didn't make that baby all by yourself . trust me u are not the reason he drinks he may say otherwise but your simply not that powerful to make someone drink or stop . Yeah we all make mistakes as we do have a part in this mess , but a few fights do not an alcoholic make . Please if your not already find a meeting or two and start fixing yourself , get your life back , a change of attitude can only be benifical to yourself and your child and ultimatley your husb . you need support u will find what u need in our program to become the person u were meant to be. You do it for yourself . YOU are not the reason he drinks .
Aloha Vanessa...along with all of the great stuff that came your way with that post let me add a teeny suggestion. Go to several open AA meetings and just sit and listen to the recovering fellows share. Those who have really got the program will tell you that there is nothing outside of their own motivation and choice that can make them drink. The non recovering guys will have reservations. Stay away from them cause they might wanna try you out as an excuse for the next bender.
Go over the three cees again and again until you get it out of your head and into your gut where it belongs. Everyone here has put it and left it there. We know we paid a part in the insanity but none of us have the power ever to cause another person to drink if they don't want to. Next time he looks like he's under pressure get him a coloring book and see if he substitutes; or better still buy him a phone number book and tell him not to be late for the next AA meeting.
Kudos for taking the first step - reaching out for help. I grew up in a dysfunctional family - if u did too (whether ur parents drank or not - it could be rage a holism, work a holism - it has the same effect on the famliy) then u probably have codependent issues that stem from childhood. Trying to tip toe around that parent - appease them, distract them, "make" them happy.
Get to mtg, get involved, pick up pamphlets, read them, share, listen & learn, talk to others -- everything together will make a difference for you. This is how I 'got over it' was by applying the program to my life and experience like my life depended on it. Make yourself your own first priority - love you first and your understanding & compassion will grow. <-- All of that was utterly terifying and foreign for me bc I had never done it before. Loving me first - is the single thing that changed my life the most.
If u want to know some good books, PM private message me and I'll tell of some -- get the lit, read it, over and over if u have to. Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for sharing that Vanessa. I, too, always felt that if I'd been a better this or a better that, then the alcoholics in my life wouldn't drink so much. But, they did anyway. It may be a bit "over the top" for you at this point but I have found that alcoholics drink because they have what we call character defects...we are selfish or dishonest or angry or afraid and it really has little to do with the people in our life. these defects are the primary "cause" of our drinking and our failure at life. Oh did I say we? I meant them of course. Glad to have you here. Vanessa.
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If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before.
