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Well as most of you know this time of year is hard for me, and I'm working my program hard, but still struggling. Still trusting though that even though this waiting and being still is HARD, that is is what I am meant to be doing.
Valentine's Day is approaching, and it makes me think of my first V day with EXABF. Even though I had my son with me, we had a nice dinner at his house and it was an amazing evening filled with love-though neither of us said it-that was the first time we both knew. It was one of the best V day I've ever had. Now I think about it and want to cry. I can't imagine ever having something that special again with anyone else-not ever, and when I have those thoughts, I HATE him soooo very much, and am so angry with him deep down for ruining it all and for all the deceipt that oozzed out of him.
Some say let go. Well I have and it comes back. It's like it is something that HP knows I'm not done with yet, and I don't know HOW to be done with it. There's something I need to be learning from it and I can't get past the anger/hurt long enough to see it. I know it will be when it's meant to be, but I pray for HP to just take it all away and days go by and it's good and then I get stuck in my head again.
It's just a hard time of year, and I'm really considering quitting dating the guy I've been dating. Not because of who he is, but because there are things I want-eventually-and I just don't see him ever being able to offer those things, and feel it is getting to be a waste of time in some ways. He can barely have a serious conversation at all about anything, and I feel like I am trying to forge a friendship first with someone who is so wrapped in bard wire that all I do is get poked everytime I try-yet this is the man who is living in reality when he talks about who would move where??? And like yesterday I tell him what I need, that I am having a bad day and don't hear from him again after-now to me that is not a sign of someone who really cares. I was ok with him not bothering to check back and see how I was doing, I just called some AlAnon friends and read some literature, and went to sleep. His loss-not mine.
Yesterday I tried to tell him how I was feeling, that I was down, that I was having a bad day, that I was worried about my Dr testing on Weds, yada yada yada, and tried telling him what I needed. That was a mess. After him laughing (he laughs all the time and is seldom serious-defense mechanism I think) I tell him to just forget it, that "trying to get emotion from him is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread" and he starts laughing so hard he can't speak and then tells me "you are soooo crazy"! And it hit me-I was like WOW! He's right! So I told him that, I said "you're right I am crazy-insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting DIFFERENT results, and that's what I've been doing". This lead him to apologize but I wasn't angry and told him so-I was kinda happy that it happened the way he did because until he said that it never occured to me how insane it was to ask him to help me feel better or tell him what I needed. Funny thing is like I said, I haven't heard from him since......so I need to ask myself why am I even dating this man? And that is where I am, weighing the pros and cons....
Which brings me to today. I'm here, still down, still sad, and just trying to be still and let it all be the way it is. I'm supposed to be where I am and even though it's hard, here I am. I just hate this time of year and this stupid holiday! UGH!!!!
Thanks for letting me share shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
It's hard. I think half the population gets filled with (sometimes unrealized) hopes on Valentine's Day, and the other half gets depressed. It's a holiday almost fiendishly designed to be depressing to those not in great relationships, isn't it?
But you say, "I can't imagine ever having something that special again with anyone else-not ever, and when I have those thoughts, I HATE him soooo very much, and am so angry with him deep down for ruining it all and for all the deceipt that oozzed out of him."
Isn't being unable to imagine a kind of expectation? "I expect never to have another great Valentine's Day." You're expecting never to meet a man you could love deeply, and never to be able to have a great Valentine's Day without a great romance. I wonder if those expectations aren't just the kind of anticipated resentments that Al-Anon talks about?
If your ex A is the only person who could ever give you a great Valentine's Day, what if you had never met him? What if you had been in a different place on the day you first met, and you had never crossed paths? Would that mean that you would have been condemned never to have a relationship, and never to have a happy Valentine's Day in your whole life? That can't be true, can it?
I'm saying these things as much to myself as to you, because I often fall into that thing of "He's ruined my only chance for happiness." It doesn't sound as if it can be true, but it feels so true, doesn't it? I think that must be grief.
Hugs to you -- take it easy -- don't think ahead -- take care of yourself now.
When I left my exAH ten years ago -- I wanted to "fall in love with me" even thought it took me a couple of yrs b4 I got to that point -- I was working on -doing for me. Here's a thought to all out there that dont "like" their partner too much ~ treat yourself to something special for v-day, make it ALL about YOU and truly and thoroughly ENJOY yourself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
