The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hiya all...i have returned...my trip to my daughter's was just great and just what i needed. however, since being back i have sunk into a real low...lower than i have been for a long time. having decided that it is a no go with AH i should be feeling positive and looking forward. truth is i am not feeling anything. i am numb. i cant motivate myself or come up with a purpose for my existence at the moment. tomorrow i have arranged to go and collect the last of my belongings and the ashes of my old labrador. maybe that will bring me closure. i hope so. this feeling of limbo and uncertainty is driving me crazy. i think its looking after myself that is so difficult for me to accept. from the age of 16 i have been someones g/f, someones wife., someones mom, someones carer, someones supporter. i miss being someone's someone if you see what i mean? i have noone to belong to and it feels strange, unnatural, and if i am honest, just a little bit scary. now its just me i am not really sure of how to deal with it. adapting to my new life is going to be harder than i thought. i pray that these feelings of loss and mourning pass soon enough that i may get on with rebuilding my life.
I think it's perfectly natural to be experiencing what you describe. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your relationship/life with your AH, even though you are taking the positive steps toward getting to know you and rebuilding your life. I too slip in and out of these feelings, but they are getting fewer and farther between.
Grief and mourning is a process along the road to acceptance and serenity. Be gentle with yourself. It's OK. This too shall pass. We're here for you, hon.
WOW Lucy! I understand exactly what you mean. I, too, have always been someone to someone, which is why I am terrified to branch out on my own, and continue to find excuses not to. It IS scary to contemplate being alone, but at the end of the day, going for it is probably better than not. And I prefer to think happiness will be within my grasp as soon as I do what I ultimately must.
I'll keep you in my positive thoughts, and please do the same for me. Both of us will be just fine!
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am 3 years out from leaving the ex A and for me its been huge not to jump into an other relationship. Most of my life its been about my fantasy of relationships. Now I am about getting better.
I feel for you. I do a lot of mourning around the ex A. I know a lot of it was about the illusions and much of it was about my being boundaryless.
I think its positive to grieve and see the relationship for what it was rather than what it might have been.
Grieving takes time , the loss of a relationship , loss of finacial security , you said u were always osmeones G/F or Mother Or Wife , well now u have a chance to be who u were meant to be . Now is the time to get a life there is only to care for . your in for one big adventure , step out and become the real YOU. The next few yrs could be very exciting , need not be fearful its just all new and we don't seem to like change very much even tho the old way was hell it was familiar and we knew how to live in it . Stepping out of the box is brand new . Your going to be just fine . Louise
Hello, I am writing you just to let you know that i know how you feel; I too have decided to live my life without my AH and i'm not sure how to go about it. I too should be feeling happy and liberated, but I don't feel good at all and somehow it's the feelings of guilt that are attacking the core of my existance. I question everything i do and say, the decisions I make, the people i confide in...everything. I have a difficult time connecting with anyone and feel that even know my logic knows this is the best move for ME, my heart feels pain and sympathy and compassion for this man who is suffering from this terrible illness that has already stripped him of so much.
I wish you luck, one day at a time, i'm hoping we can all overcome our obstacles.
Aloha GS...Ponder this reality I was brought to years ago in early recovery when my perception was what you have described here and when I was missing(?); actually myself. It hit my belief system dead center and after a severe reaction and some quiet time pondering it myself; it became a reality.
I love you and like having you near/here...but I don't NEED you. Ponder that for a while and then come back with what it does for you also.
A friend of mine in al-anon told me that she has come to learn that while she has many friends in her life, and sometimes a special guy, she is ultimately alone, except for her relationship with God. That blew my mind. I think she sees all the human relationships as "dressing" for the most important relationship she has.
I think I've got a long way to go before I get there. But I do see how my relationship with HP can get help me through terrible loss of a very important relationship in my life. I don't think we can avoid grieving good relationships lost (or their promise).
I can totally relate to the feeling of mourning. At one time I went through an excruitiating break-up - one that was not initiated by me and that was very sudden (to me). I really grieved that - and it felt like there was a death. Because to me there was - the person I loved - the man with the positive qualities that I desired and knew was gone. He did not exist anymore. Yes, his physical presence was still in this world, but the person I had been living with and sharing dreams with was gone. And it was so hard to cope with because others do not see it that way.
You have the right to go through all of the stages of grief. I only hope that with the al anon tools it will be much easier for you than it was for me years ago.
miss lucy - so glad that your trip with your daughter was good - you needed that break, and it sounds like you got it!
I've been in/out of extreme sadness since last seeing my Ason. He's in treatment again, which I am grateful for - he's safe for now. However, seeing him and him lashing out at me was so very difficult. I worked hard with the few tools I've gotten here, and was able to not react and tried to not personalize it.
I believe for me, the sadness and my down in the dumps spirit has everything to do with my unintentional battle to 'hold on' and not let go (and let God). There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to teach, so many things that are not as planned, because this disease has grabbed him so young.
My sadness is I also believe part of my grieving process. I am no longer angry at how things are nor at him or I. I'm just sad and each time I see him, I'm almost completely destroyed for 36-48 hours. I do, but without spirit. I do, because I'm told to.
So - I do believe my sadness and depression is all about the grieving process. My medicine is doing what you all tell me to do - be nice to me, do special things for me, read/meditate/pray. It works, a bit slower than I'd like, but it does work!
(((((hugs))))) for you - we're worth more than we know - we just gotta become convinced of that woring with our HP!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I loved hearing "in these rooms" that the only thing normal is the setting on the washing machine I loved that. Whew finally I didn't have to worry about not being normal like everyone else.
Feel the feelings, they are a necessary part of healing.
in recovery, Maria
P.S. PM me if you'd like a really awesome book on grieving ~ it made me laugh, cry, etc. I still use it each time I am struggling with loss.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I loved that. Whew finally I didn't have to worry about not being normal like everyone else.