lonely - Al-Anon Family Group

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

lonely

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it's selfish to feel lonely. It's just a true statement of the way things are and what you need. Just because someone can't realistically give you what you need doesn't mean you don't need it.

Our society makes families especially isolated, and unless you live near a lot of relatives that you get along with (a rare thing), we're left raising our families in a kind of isolated way. It takes a lot of determination to break out of those constraints and put together a fulfilling life. Sometimes I just don't have the energy. But the more effort I put into developing a support system, little by little, it pays off. Then when my A isn't there to back me up (which is most of the time), I'm not so furious at him, which makes my day a lot less frustrating. I hope you can develop a whole variety of strategies too. Sometimes I really yearn for the "good old days" when whole villages really did raise a child; but we have to go with what we have, and what we have has a lot of positives too, though sometimes I find it easier to remember them than other times.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((tracy)))))

I understand how you feel. I was told that lonely means you are not connected to the universe. In the Geting Them Sober books she says that their good stuff is as hooking as their bad stuff. She also says that we listen to what they say and not enough to what they actually do. Maybe that is why we are disappointed.

In support,
Nancy

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you are here in this room. I can't think of a better place to explore the issues of relating to an alcoholic. I spent 7 years living with someone who was alternatively sweet, giving, kind and promising to mean, spiteful and dismissive of my needs. That was a pretty long hard ride.

I stayed stuck in the grief of making do with what I had against what I wanted. Need and dependency and denial were a lot of things that kept me there. I did not have a sense of being separate from him and his problems. I also had a huge huge investment in him.

Al anon helped me tremendously while I was with him, the prospect of leaving and even now 3 years out of having left him. I don't regret leaving him and I can understand why I stayed.

I am so glad you are here and taking care of yourself. You deserve a full happy and wonderful life as do your children.

Maresie.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

((((( tracy ))))) It is natural to want the ideal family situation, I think we all want that. But what is that really? Is it a fantasy, are we stuck in a ideal of percectionism? I know for me I had to dissect my desires... I determined what my true needs are versus my wants and desires. I found pretty quickly, when i got down and deep into it - my needs are extremely very simple. I need physcial support - shelter, food, clothing. I also have emotional needs. My wants are absolutely inwsatiable - I always want something, I was raised in our consumer society. It is a machine & the media is always showing me more things I want and have to have. Truth is I wont die or be that better for any of this junk - its all just "stuff".

Ok, so I have emotinal needs. I began going to alanon and only alanon for expressing my feelings. I learend that when I shared my vulnerable emotional stuff with an A, they very often would end up using that infomration as ammunition agaisnt me & hurt me with it later. This doesnt happen to me in alanon.

For me, it was clear... I did not want to be in a relationship with an A (an emotionally unavailable person). Sure, there are recovering A's and that is a slippery, dangerous area for me. I was entirely too sick to go through it anymore. I demanded a healthy partner and if I was alone the rest of my lifetime, so be it.
    Once I made that resolve in my decision, I began to work on becoming emotionally healthy myself.

If we do not resolve our past issues, they come back up and fester and even come out sideways at inappropriate times and ways. We cant "push it under the rug" emotions fester and bubble up if we do not deal with them head on. So ur A is right, it is better for you if u resolve your resentments. According to my therapist, I had a mountain of them. I knew that bc she said -- dont try to forgive everything at once, u cant gloss over it like that, it isnt effective. Do it in incriments. (Since i was a former athlete, she put it this way:) "you dont want into a gym and pick up the 500 pound weight, you work your muscles out slowly" -- forgiveness is the same way, do it in layers or incriments, taking small pieces at a time.
     I def had to do it this way. I worked on each individual resentment at a time. When i dealt with one, another one came back to my memory and bubbled up. I looked at it, felt it through - forgave them and forgave me. Incidentally, every time I go to forgive someone for something - I end up having to forgive me first, for having the resentment in the first place and being human.

I used to be lonely too. I did whatver I could to combat this, in program. I looked at ME, just me. I asked myself, what can I do today or right now to allow me to feel better. Then I did that thing, no matter what it was, I did it. Think about this: whatver it is we focus on grows & manifests. I used to sit around recalling alll of the pains I suffered. All that did was keep me stuck in that pain and keep on reliving it.
    I suggest you do not think about what you dont have. Focus on what you do have that is positive or you can be grateful for. Focsu on what will allow you to feel better. This way you are finding your own solutions and not being stuck in the what u know and dont want now. Distract yourself. Go to the gym, take a cooking class, wake a walk, scream in your pillow, take a hot bath, indulge yourself in soemthing you love but rarely do, buy yourself something you will treasure or learn from ( I have a book weakness, hehe) whatver it is - do that. Do something to involve your children or do something together as a family or something completely new you were always afraid to try but secretly wanted to.

This may sound crazy, lol, but thats ok Im sure I am at some measures, but I thought this... all of the fear and pain I was living in was of my own creation. I decided to "pretend" I had the ideal relationship that I wanted, so I could act as if - so I could "fake it, so I could make it". So instead of being miserable, that I didnt have what I wanted (bc belive me, I was absolutely miserable and felt, was I being puinished?) I threw all of that out the window. i pretended I had the "perfect" man that I desired. He was just, out of town on business or something or in the army, whatver. I began putting off vibes that I was content - bc I was actually allowing msyelf to expereince that. It is all in our perceptions.

The hardest part for me, would have been to stay out of a recovering A's program, this is another big reason that I felt I couldnt be involed with an A anymore, it was a trigger for me that I couldnt let go of.
    Early in my recovery, everyone told me continuously - to focus on me and MYOB. At first this was extremely annoying and I thought it insensitive to MY pain and it was contriving. But it worked!!! It really did. Alanon is about us and for us. For the first time in my life, it felt it was truly all about me.

I had to love me first, as my own first priority and stop acting like a victim and a martyr. This was terrifying bc Id spent my life acting like a martyr - poor me, notice me, validate me, love me. I found that when I began to apply the love to me, first and foremost, my searching, reaching, clinging desperate desire for love left me. So did my isssues of abandonment. I quit abandonning myself, for the first time ever. I was feeling fulfilled on the inside and I wasnt looking outside of me anymore -- this is what made the difference for me, more than any one particular thing.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.