The material presented
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Help me out on this please. All feedback is welcomed. I'm revisiting an old reaction (Don't react!! LOL my bestest slogan personally given by an early sponsor) to another person's innate practice of power and control. My stomach is flexing and not so that I can create a 6 pack abs condition. Its because of my own innate practice of opposition and defiance to people who attempt to exercise power and control in any setting. I don't like that thumb pressure on the top of my head. I get immediately angry and assertive errrr aggressive. Taking it personally? For sure...one to work on for me.
The person does this innately. It is a part of his personality. I've been in acceptance of how for over 12 years. I don't walk on egg shells around him but I am easily hooked by it. (I hate that terminology but it is accurate).
I have options if that is about the only thing I could have learned in Al-Anon...I know I have options including how I respond (not react) to others and I know I need the group. MIP has become a part of my group. It is safe and secure because it is detached from my local situation and more confidential and more objective.
I feel taking it personally is a part of the picture and maybe resentments from?
Any other Experience Strength and Hope on solutions out there? Solutions...I really don't need a nudge closer to the problem. I can see the fire but not sense the heat yet.
I know when I have a reaction similar to what you describe, I find it has its basis in fear. I interpret the other person's behavior as (false) evidence that I am "less than". I find myself compelled to prove to them that I am not "less than" which many times manifests as anger and arrogance.
I also notice that I am more susceptible to this type of reaction when my serenity level is low (ok, non-existent)
For me, working extra hard at detaching myself from the other person's behavior seems to help the most. Sometimes I detach with an ax, if that's what it takes.
Hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I had to look at my reactions - it was me - my triggers, my reactions that were making me upset. Detach from these people. Look, we are all out of control control freaks here. I am recovering by gaining control over - just me - the only one I can control & change.
When u come into contact with a trigger - feel your rection, sit with it, quietly. When I do this, acknowledging my feelings and waiting to feel them through - I can get passed the bulk of it, simply by validating, feeling & sitting with it. Then I get more clarity and can react or act more appropriately. Look at what, why it bothers you, ackowledge/validate yourself and then remind yourself that you can own your reaction and not take responsibility for the other person's issues. Who cares what they do or say? I too used to take EVERYTHING personally. It is definetely something that has to be worked on or out. We are reflections of each other - so this stuff comes out - remind yourself that you can only control YOU.
Learning to detach with love is so much better. When I would remind myself its about control - and then get back to me, that is my secret tool. I found that most of my issues came from trying to control others. Now I work hard to allow others to be themselves and not take on any of that. If I am uncomfortable, I can shift, move a little.
I am now to the point that this sort of behavior makes me LOL, literally. I can say, "that's controlling!" or whatver and it helps me to hear it and it brings awareness to the issue, plus it helps me detach from it. The other person can see I know what is going on too, whether they benefit from that awareness or not - it's not my problem and I re-focus back on me & detach more.
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 5th of February 2010 02:33:53 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can't offer any ES&H, but if I am reading at all between the lines, then I think I could have written your post........For me there are no eggshell involved either, but I have to do push-ups each week so I can be strong enough to "Not React". I too will be listening.
Maybe I need to say the words to the "Senerity Prayer" one more time real slow and let the words sink in.
When I begin to feel a reaction stirring, I try to step back and see the person has issues. I don't try to anylize, just make a mental note that they have a probelm. I treat it like cooties..lol I do my best not to allow them to have any power. It's the same for me with people that consistantly whine, complain, never have a happy thought etc. It feels like an energy attack. Their bad trying to steal my good. I can be pulled right down with them if I allow it. The only thing I can do is detach, pull back and let them be who they are and keep their problems and attitudes to themselves. I combat that behavior with with the opposite of what I'm feeling. I meet their behavior with detached sunshine. Their mission to control my mood goes unaccomplished. It's kind of the same as imagining that big letter "S" on a sick A's forehead, only they have a "EV" for energy vampire :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Many of us in al-anon have the problem of trying to exercise power and control that we truly do not have - including me . I'm sure you must run into a lot of us trying to do so. I'm wondering why you might be reacting personally to another's illness, rather than leaving them to their HP and their program to hopefully find their own way out?
I have two such people at my favorite Monday night meeting. I started to just repeat the Slogan Let Go and Let God and to pray for them each time I felt my hair raise. It took about 6 months maybe shorter for the change to happen bur the other night when I saw the same people, they had not changed but I did not feel the "old Feeling" Hurray for me and alanon tools.!!!
My old self would have given up that meeting and deprived me of something I loved because I could not tolerate others.
You are a Miracele here Thanks for the topic.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 5th of February 2010 07:12:12 PM
I live next to someone like this. I allowed him to invade my life and my space for a long long time. Now I go out of my way to detach. I no longer initiate much. I also no longer rage and fume. I think to do that is incredibly hard work. I know I have been down in the trenches in over reactivity. Eventually I have got to the point to say I don't have the energy for it. I did want to control his opinions, words and deeds before. Now I simply control how it affects me and I avoid him like the plague. I don't doubt that really bothers him but since he is a control freak every thing bothers him so I let go of that too.
Mahalo to you all. Great feedback and all useful. While I was reading I realized that I have not clearly defined the situation but it doesn't matter because it really is the same ole same ole. As you all have fulfilled my expectations with the feedback this other person is fulfilling my expectations with his behavior and I am the one who believes that expecting it lessens being thrown off by it or in other words being surprised by it. I'm not surprised by it...just tired of it. I confronted him with it 12 years ago for the same event that is coming up in October and while some things in the event will change the power and control attitude is coming on earlier and more profound.
I will certainly go back over again what I have been given here including the humor; God isn't that ever so good for the situation. We learn to laugh and pressure goes out of it. God going from detaching with love to with an ax!! LOL the ax idea hit my dual personality right in the middle of the forehead. I said BG uses an ax to detach and it jumped up looking around and asked "Where's the ax...where is it."
This family is precious and loving. Gonna ponder these responses again and picture myself using them. Naked on the toilet Ness?? LOL how often does that come up in your conversations.
Hey all - this is a great thread for 'me' to learn from! I picked up some new tools to use just by reading. Thanks to Jerry for the topic and all for contributing.
Of course, just for giggles, I did have a visual of trying to flush one down - LoL.
Jerry, so very often when I feel 'distracted' by another persons' style, I focus on 'How important is it any way?' I use this one because it does help me determine my best next steps.
I've walked away from a few volunteer activities/events as I was not armed with proper tools to accept and enjoy. This was the right thing to do, for me, at the time.
However, there are other times where the importance/need is great enough that I can separate myself as best as possible and focus on the end result.
There are a few folks in some of my activities that I've prayed for, and continue to do so. I am so often sitting with my emotions so close to the surface that indirect avoidance is often necessary as my first tool out of the bag.
I am confident this is temporary and I'll soon have the ability to deploy more tools. I again thank you for the top and thank all for the shares!
((((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When my AHsober left five years ago, the thought flashed thru my head - this is about power and control - and nothing else. I still believe it. I really think all of us and all situations are about power and control. Let me clarify, all dysfunctional situations. There is power to be had and someone grabs it.
I heard Dr Phil say that, "all relationships are negotiations of power" and for me that had a ring of truth to it. I do think the bulk of it - is egocentric. As I have gained power/mastery over myself and focused on me -not others- I am less inclined to want to even go into a power play anymore. It means so much more to me to have, self control, it truly is liberating and freeing.
-- Edited by kitty on Sunday 7th of February 2010 10:16:15 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Since I hadn't seen it mentioned, I thought I would add.... " if you have a resentment, do a step 4 inventory on it." It is the first thing my sponsor tells me to do when I have a resentment. I'm sure you already have Jerry, I just wanted to mention this for the newcomers.
The other reminder is..... to pray for him. It feels like an impossible task at first, however it puts me back into seeking HP's will, and not my own. Personally, I just don't know how to pray without wanting my will, so I often just hold (my enemy) in a visualization of bright, white, divine light.... and let God take care of it.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 7th of February 2010 05:13:09 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Again I go for acceptance. This behavior is innate to the person. He insists upon it and practices it constantly. It's time for a rotation in service...some one else to step up to the position. That discussion will be short and another person will be asked to step up to the plate. I cannot because I am a member of the other program also.
Turning it over...God does a better job with it and I am asking that there be a change.
Thanks so much for the ESH. What is my part in it? Staying with the program and what it has taught me to do under similar situation. Don't have to do anything new just what has worked again. ((((hugs))))
. I'm sure you must run into a lot of us trying to do so. I'm wondering why you might be reacting personally to another's illness, rather than leaving them to their HP and their program to hopefully find their own way out?
...........I just 'let it go'