The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've thought about joining al-anon several times, but could never get up enough courage to take that first step.
this should be the happiest time of my life. After 6 years of fertility treatments, I finally brought home a beautiful daughter 2 weeks ago. But I'm married to a functional alcoholic. He didn't stop drinking through the treatments, my pregnancy, and got drunk the night we brought our daughter home. He's hidden the extent of his drinking and I've covered for him as well. Everyone loves him and I wouldn't want their opinion of him to change, so I haven't discussed the situation with any of my friends or family. When he's sober during the day, he's a wonderful husband and father. When he drinks, which is every night, he's unavailable physically, emotionally and mentally. He usually passes out by about 7 or 8pm, wakes at 3 or 4 am and the alcohol is out of his system by the time he has to go to work.
He comes from a family with a history of alcoholism. Most of his friends drink frequently. Even some of the counsellors and doctors he's discussed the situation with have told him to cut down, but they seem to think that drinking every day is a normal occurence. He now sees me as the problem, that I should be the one getting help, and that my concerns are due to all the hormonal changes associated with fertility treatments, pregnancy and post partum. His moods, when he's drinking range from depressed to defensive and argumentative, never physically violent. With the little one to take care of, I don't have the energy to cater to his moods anymore.
Am I expecting too much from him? Should I just let him be and just enjoy the times he is sober? My situation isn't that bad relatively speaking. How do I come to accept the situation, to make it less stressful for myself? Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have someone like him, and he really is a wonderful man most of the time. They just never see his other side. They don't know how much responsibility I take on in the relationship so that he has the time to be wonderful to other people.
It is my experience that you have just described and it took years and years to realise that that sort of drinking means that he was NEVER SOBER, and it was always in his system.
That was the simple fact that eventually sunk in.
After years of taking the rap, turning myself inside out, covering for him, hiding from all I had the courage to face up to the fact that I simply NEVER SAW HIM SOBER, he was simply living on various levels of unconscious unavailability for me and the children, and the family (his family and mine) were living a life of denial as were his work colleagues and friends.
In pure and utter desperation did I find myself at Al-anon and for the next fifteen years I was on a knife edge of living hell, merry-go rounds and swings, and finally violent abuse and deprivation because the drink came first and the children and me a long long long way second, when I tried still to cover and deny myself and take the blame for our failing marriage, our lost home, our impoverished state, whilst working three jobs and still not managing to make sure I could feed the children and myself. Days and days I went hungry, just enough to feed the children and HIM who was destroying me piece by piece drinking and not doing or contributing or giving housekeeping and stealing and forging signatures on loans in MY NAME with MY FORGED signature. Was I so taken in, was I so blind, was I so ignorant, was I so afraid of my own shadow? Yes yes yes and much much more simply because everyone else said he was not an alcoholic and I was to blame for the poor marriage and I had to get MY ACT together. I, alone, with both families and friends and work colleagues all taking HIS wonderful charm and believing it or denying the truth that was so evident if they had chosen to really look.
Only now years later do I find myself in recovery and facing reality and taking control of my life and not allowing the denial of others and him to screw me up.
All the same words were uttered too, how lucky I was to have him!!!!! WAS I, REALLY, they did not know what went on behind closed doors? How the children suffered and went with out as did I. Oh he could charm the birds off the trees and I let him.
NO NO NO, look at what you take on, the responsibilty you take on and the irresponsibility of his life style and don't let others, as well as him, fool you into thinking you are the unreasonable one.
The way forward for me was to change something and that meant that my world fell apart. I went to al-anon when I could but for years there was no support available and it was only my faith that got me through. Then a miracle happened and I found this site...18years down the line...
I came here about three years ago to talk, read, write, listen... and I kept coming back here and if it had been possible I would STILL be going to Al-anon meetings but there are none nearby, so I come here now and share and listen and write and ponder and work my programme. For certain, if you follow this programme, and use the tools available you will find it easy to recognise the truth of the situation and how to protect your own sanity and health.
This family is wonderful, and kind and knowledgeable. Full of compassion and understanding. They will NOT tell you what to do, only share as I am right now.
Thank you for sharing your situation for you have made me stop and rethink the value of my programme, got me to recognise the lies, the deceit and the awful downward spiral that occurred during my marriage to this wonderful and generous and charming man that I loved with all of my heart, who crushed, broke and abused steadily as his drinking took him down to the lowest form of physical and emotional violent abuse.
It is important that you really read your post again and recognise that others do not know, or are in total denial of the real situation that you are living.
Then, for your own sake, take the help and support of Al-anon and this wonderful family to help you through.
With love, God bless and take care of you Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I've been holding on to the hope that the birth of our daughter would be enough of a miracle to make him stop, but deep down inside, I know that he'll always have an excuse to keep drinking. My daughter is the reason why I started to look for support. I have to stay well enough emotionally for her.
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me face the fact that I've been waiting for a fairy tale ending instead of working towards helping myself and my baby, which is what I should focus on doing.
Hi, and welcome to MIP.... I took the liberty of focussing on your statement:
Everyone loves him and I wouldn't want their opinion of him to change, so I haven't discussed the situation with any of my friends or family.
This is a really compelling issue, and one that is addressed in every opening of Al-Anon meetings.... Living with active alcoholism is too much for most of us to handle alone.... If you are protecting your hubby's reputation/image, and don't go to meetings, and have nobody to share with, this disease will more than likely overwhelm you... Who you share the truth with is always going to be your call, but I would strongly encourage you to share it with someone, preferably somewhere safe (i.e. MIP board, face-to-face meetings).
In effect, he is living a lie right now, and I'm sad to say that it will likely get worse, as this disease is progressive.... By holding this all in, and protecting his image to the outside world, you are going to make yourself sick... Choose recovery for you....in time, the correct answers, for you, will become more clear.... Being honest with yourself is a great start.... then moving onto honest with your A..... then moving on to honest with the outside world.....
I wish you well, and please keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
montrose - welcome to MIP! I'm fairly new here and grateful to have found the group. This is a safe place to share, learn, ask and heal.
Glad you're here and (((((hugs))))) to ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. I've felt so totally isolated because of this issue, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, just being able to honestly discuss my situation for the first time. It also feels good to be able to look into how to help me, instead of just focusing on how to help him.
I have some books on codependency I've been avoiding reading, but I'll pull them out of the basement. I have started to search this website, and I'm pretty sure I'll be a frequent visitor here.
And for anyone else new to this site, it took me a long time before I actually posted on this message board, but I'm really glad that I did. It's corny, but it feels like someone plucked me out of an ocean, and just pulled me into their raft.
Welcome Montrose. I am reletively new here too and I know how hard it was to accept the problem in my relationship and to decide that I needed help. One of your posts really hit home for me - about waiting for a "fairy tale ending" as that is what my mind does to me over and over and over (and over) again. I have spent the last year thinking that I was wrong to think his drinking was too much, or that I was overreacting, or that if he just tried hard enough he could drink "normally". My mind goes to the "what if" fantasy so often - what if I leave him and he gets better but won't be in my life? what if the good in our relationshipe really outweighs the bad? what if I don't try the Al Anon program long enough (I could go on and on). I am trying to learn for myself how to handle this and when my heart creates wonderful fairy tale endings for my situation, I have to use my mind and my Al Anon tools to remind me that is not likely.
Good luck to you and keep coming back. this is not an overnight process (though I wish it were).
