The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just need someone to reel me in off this ledge. In my head I know I can no longer stay with my Abf I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up. He's NEVER going to change. He is always going to do what he can to manipulate situations, always stay selfish and put me through hell. At the end of an argument I feel like I've been through the wringer. He will start and then if I defend myself he tells me to shut up, stop talking "at" him and he will not feed into my arguments. I swear I feel like I'm losing my mind. Yesterday was my birthday. He asked me to leave work early so we could spend the afternoon together and then go to dinner. what he left out was that "spending the afternoon" was driving around a pick up with him while he checked on the properties he maintains (it snowed so he had to salt) That's not about me, that's about him. and I'm supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy? Like oh boy he wants to spend time with me look how he fits me in? well, no, I didn't. I was enjoying myself at work, they had a little party for me. it was ABOUT me. then all during dinner he complained about how his kids moms take so much money and the truck he just got has problems he has to fix now and I ended up paying for my birthday dinner. and of course later on when we argued he said how I will throw that in his face. that I do things solely to down him and to make myself look perfect. all i try to do is defend myself when I'm told I treat him like dirt I bring up the ways I don't and then I'm selfish for doing things? I swear I'm crazy. SO we break up. Now I need to find a way to get OUT of there. He has all these girls that text him..."friends from AA and work" he says but he's not being inappropriate but he has lied so much I can't bring myself to believe him. and yet here I sit obsessing whether or not he is talking to them or going to meet one of them since i haven't heard from him. please, what is WRONG WITH ME???
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Well you can put the stick down. Anyone who lives with an alcoholic without the kind of tools al anon has to offer gets pretty upset. If you have a chance go to the web site for Getting them Sober and get the book if you possibly can.
Al anon can have much to teach you regarding ways to deal with your emotions as well as how to view the A you are with. We have a chat room here and meetings twice a day. For me that was a great start.
When My brain was going crazy thinking about the A and what he is doing I use verious al anon tools. I come on here. I read my books, go to a meeting , ring my sponsor, or someone else from one of my groups. I do what ever it take. I noticed my brain was not as crazy if i was busy. I have been angrey of late with myself for all the unacceptable behavior I have tolerated. My A was sick it was not personal but it still hurt a lot. He is sober today and trying but his behavior can still revert bak to just as bad as when he was drinking. Today the difference is I matter to me, I love m. I just remove myself. I have a plan b with friend and i do not expect as much from him. Its crazy to expect them to behave like a normal boyfriend they are mentally ill. Today I try and see sick printed onmy partners head and when I look inthe mirror I see sick printed on y this disease has seeped into me because I love him. You sound like you need to give yourself a bit of TLC.
I agree spend as much time as you can with other Al-Anoners. The chat room here usually has someone in it and there are formal meetings twice a day. Hope to see you there!
I hate that your bday was upset by the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
I do hope that you will seek out help for you thru Al-Anon, MIP and other resources - whether you stay with your BF or not - YOU deserve the help and healing of recovery.
You are worth it!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I've experienced that insanity where I thought I was losing my mind. I've been a screaming raving looney and knew I was the one that seemed crazy even though he was the one drinking and causing trouble. The amazing thing is that it's gotten soooo much better since I started going to f2f meetings and working on myself. It's not perfect, but I've certainly made a lot of progress and I'm proud of myself. You can find peace here!!
Your description of your "birthday afternoon" reminded me of a time when I was busy making dinner after work while the XABF sat reading the paper. I expressed my annoyance that I was the one doing all the work (not the first time that happened, obviously!) to prepare our meal. He turned around and asked me what could possibly be wrong -- we were spending time together, weren't we? Ummm, what's wrong is that I'm the one cooking and you're the one sitting relaxing at the kitchen table!
But, yeah, I felt like I was the crazy demanding one for wanting more, and not being grateful for what I had.
I'm learning bit by bit, thanks to Al Anon, that I have every right to have and to express my own needs.
Quite a contrast between your BF's idea of a birthday celebration and the "little party" provided by your coworkers -- who aren't even in an intimate relationship with you.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
