The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my AH and I went to church with my father-in-law. While we were over at his house, my AH went into the kitchen and I heard one of the cabinets open. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw him shoving something in his pocket. I asked him what it was and he said, "I didn't put anything in my pocket."
I figured that wasn't a good sign. I knew what I saw, and I don't live in the place anymore where I don't believe what I've seen with my eyes because someone else tells me it's not true. I looked at him and said, "I saw you." It wasn't an accusation, just a statement. A few long moments later, he pulled out a pill from his pocket and put it back in a prescription pill bottle in the cabinet. I think it was some kind of muscle relaxer left over from when his mother was terminally ill a few months ago and hospice was trying to just keep her comfortable.
It just sucks. I was a lot calmer than I would've been a year ago. My thoughts weren't racing, and my mind was clear enough that I said the serenity prayer. That was actually the first thing I thought, and it was automatic - not even trying to figure out what to think, that's just what came. My AH apologized to me and said he was being stupid. I might've given him a lecture before Al-Anon. I might've asked him if he was crazy, gotten angry and irrational, demanded that he turn out his pockets so I could see if there was another pill in there, etc. I didn't. It's easy enough to understand what my role is or isn't when he's sober, and to know that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. It's reeeeally hard - particularly the CONTROL one - to keep that in mind in a moment like this one.
I'm thinking slow, and I came here to talk instead of whatever unhealthy things I might do. It feels tough today, but I'm going to do my program like any other day. I'm going to take care of my kids, go grocery shopping, get some laundry done, and catch up some work. I can do that stuff - today I'm okay.
(((((((hugs))))))) you showed great control by not reacting the way he expected and remaining detatched from his illness. today is a good day for you and the more you practise your programme the easier it will be for you to remain detatched. reading some of the posts i wish i had a magic wand to bring everyone to the peaceful place i am at right now.... i have managed to detatch from AH whilst still giving him love and support when it is appropriate even though we no longer live together. i am finding that my peace comes from the realisation that i have no control over this illness, i cannot fix it, and i did not cause it. My AH had issues long before i met him and it is not my place to be his rescuer. i hope you find this peace. its a good place to be and i have many good days!!
Thank you, Miss Lucy. I know the things you say are true.
My AH has been sober for about 10 months - was sober for years and then relapsed last year. I have wondered several times today if he's going to relapse now. I know that before Alanon, I would've been trying to prevent him from relapsing. I would've had good intentions - saving him from himself - and not understood that he deserves to have the dignity of making his own choices, even if they are not what I would choose for him. I'm doing my best to just do my own thing and not worry about whether he relapses or not. No amount of worry or fear is going to change the outcome.
White Rabbit - thanks so much for sharing. These events and the outcome of those able inspire me how very important it is to work this program. I so need to see/hear these examples of how the program works to have hope for my own personal growth.
(((((Hugs))))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
White Rabbit....(((((hugs))))) seems like you did the best you could with what you have and it was better than the time before. Progress; not perfection. Keep on keeping on.
Thank you for sharing this...I needed to hear it...I hope to be at the point that I can calmly get feelings out instead of lashing out in anger. Serenity Prayer says a lot...I can't change it I can't cure it I can't control it but I do have a choice in it!!!
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
