The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have been once again separated and now in the process of getting either a legal separation or divorce. His drivers license has been suspended for a year. Therefore, when I need something from him, such as copies of documents, I must drive out to where he now lives : in the country with his single brother.
Yesterday, I had to get some copies from him. So we both drove into a nearby town and made them. We also had dinner together. He looks really sick, very pale and he seems a bit disoriented. He gets facts mixed up and miscontrues what I say. His denial of a hearing problem doesn't help matters. I often ask him to paraphase what I have said, so that I know he understands. Frequently, I have to repeat myself.
He admits to still drinking and seemed proud to tell him that it had been about 24 hours since his last drink. I kept silent, something that I never used to do. I used to "rip him another one" if you know what I mean.
He admits that it is his actions that got him where he is today. He got his second DUI in November. Since his license is suspended for a year, he was forced to retire. So he has way too much time on his hands. But that is his business, I know.
Last night, I drove him to the pharmacy after we ate, so that he could pick up his blood pressure medication. I sat in a nearby chair while he stood in line. I fought back tears while I studied him. I can't believe our 36 years of marriage has come to this. But yet, my denial about his drinking problem and my choices based on that denial has landed me in this current position. I can't blame him for where I am today.
A part of me wants to ask him to come back home. But why? I ask myself. Well, most likely to alleviate my guilt for living in our comfortable home and he living in a place in which he doesn't want to be. Also, I think there is still a part of me that thinks I can "fix him." Perhaps this time I can ......... you all know that mode of thinking.
So I fought back my emotions of rescuing him and drove him back out to his brother's. I watched him walk away from my car and thought about the consequences if I had taken him back home, we'd be right back where we started. He'd drink. I'd work my 10-hour or so job and then come home to him plastered and/or crashed on the sofa or in bed. I would walk around the home in a cloud of resentment. He'd go out in the garage and drink some more. Actually, having him come back home would impede his opportunity to make changes. With that realization, I was able to dry my eyes and drive home guiltless.
It's not easy reminding myself that I deserve a life without a drinking partner, no matter how long we've been together.
It's difficult to accept, at times, that there is nothing I can do.
Just thought I'd throw this out in cyberland. Perhaps it will help someone else who finds themselves facing same decision again and again. Your decision might be different. And that's okay.
Take care, GailMichelle
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 30th of January 2010 10:04:22 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
congratulate yourself on making your first real steps towards detatchment. leaving must have been one of the toughest decisions to make....but it may turn out to be the best one you have made in a long time. the feelings of i must fix this and guilt will gradually be replaced by nicer ones of self confidence and relief. you can finally get on with building the life for yourself that you always wanted and you surely deserve.
Thank you for sharing. It helps me, not because I am in a your situation now, but that in 30 years or so I might be.
Lately I have been questioning my decision to leave, wondering if I should give this relationship more than the 6 years I've already given, wondering if he might change, etc etc... When things seem "OK" right now, I forget that they weren't always this way and they WILL get worse. By leaving, I'm saving myself from heartache years from now. It's easy to forget that, espeically when well-meaning friends and family (who don't know much about this disease) tell me to "give it another shot" or "don't be so hasty." I need a reminder that "if nothing changes, nothing changes" and that this disease gets progressively worse if not treated. Thank you for remind me of that, and of a possible future.
I feel weird saying this because your situation is hard for you, but thank you.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Aloha GM...That is how its done. When you stop running interference he will be left to his own thoughts and conclusions and solutions. To complete the exercise of detach ment I learned how to turn my alcoholic over to HP and then stepping out of the way so that both of them can meet. Let HP have him. That always comes out better.
Aloha GM...That is how its done. When you stop running interference he will be left to his own thoughts and conclusions and solutions. To complete the exercise of detach ment I learned how to turn my alcoholic over to HP and then stepping out of the way so that both of them can meet. Let HP have him. That always comes out better.
((((hugs))))
Thanks for the support! I respect your viewpoint. You're a lot further than many..... you've been there...... you know what works.
Big hug back!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
This is a powerful post and truly represents the "strength" in experience, strength and hope. I wish you and your AH well as you each continue your journeys.
Thank you for your post. I related to a lot of what you wrote (except that in my story, I DID rescue once because I felt for badly for my ex-AH - but it only lasted a day). I'm so glad to read what you wrote. I know it's hard but you're doing such a good job taking care of you. That's inspiring.
