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Hi, I am doing my recovery and am in the early stages. In the process I have lost nearly anyone that was pretty much unhealthy, which was most everyone. Starting with my A Stepfather and my codependent mother. Got married and had a disagreement, more or less my A stepfather threw a tantrum and I refused to give in. So my parents weren't at my wedding. My real father flaked years ago, so no support there. Then my best friend of 15 years pretty much did the same thing right before I got married. She too had a tantrum. I left my A boyfriend of two years. I jumped into a relationship with a health person right away. I still wonder if that had been a good idea. Everything was such a whirl wind. I got married. Current day- I struggle daily to relate to others. I am really stuck in my own codepencency. I suffer from abandoment and given my recents losts (even though I spent more time propping up these relationships) I feel kind of a double wammy... lose a friend yes I get that but everyone... MY higherpower apparently had a sense of humor that day. Anyway I can't get close. I find myself bouncing from one face to face meeting to another. I keep looking for a sponsor to help me start the stair stepping ( I am told not to do the steps alone). I feel crazy, I keep trying to be patient and find a group and a sponsor, but it's wearing at my nerves. I don't open up well to others. And after a meeting I force myself to stay afterwards and talk to others. I usually run out the door before anyone can get a word in edge wise.
So here I am prattling on the fact that I am so confused. I feel myself getting better in ways.. I have spent the last two days on this site just reading. I know I am not alone, but I have never felt more lonely. I have no close friends, or maybe I just don't know how to relate to healthy people. I heard someone say recently that given the care giving attitudes many of us tend to be, we are always on survival mode. I am meeting people now days that I don't have to be on survival mode with. I am tired of isolating myself, and not being able to reach out and ask for help. Does anyone relate to this or is it me? Thanks
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Still looking for that famous quote! Important thing is I am Here!
When i First got here a little over a year ago, I was You... I had nothing but Unhealthy relationships with Family, friends, and I allowed ALL their Problems to Be MY Problems and I didn't know which end was up... And in Nov. 08 I lost My Afather to This Cunning Disease...
My Relationship with my Afather I think has alot to do with how I "Accept" Other Relationships... With my Afather he was out of my life from about 10 yrs till I was old enough to sit next to him on a bar stool.. I remember ALWAYS "Begging" for his Love, and I fell into the Habit with damn near ALL my friends... If they wouldn't give it to me I would Force the issue till None of us liked each other :O)
This Program ... WOW... I Came here before I began F2F Meetings... Like You... I felt Uncomfortable at the end of meetings because I thought... That the People there "Expected" something from me, and I didn't know what that was... So I was Kinda Stand Offish... The More I went & understood that I was not alone in my Fears, & Insecuritys the Better My Program became...
NOW... After my Meetings I look forward to the Hugs we all share that I could not do for Months, and I look forward to the Chats after the meetings... It did not happen for me over night, Nor should you expect it to for you... It took me YEARS to get this Insecure, so I need to realize I can't just put a Bandage on this and wait for it to heal... I need to work my steps and then see where this road leads me...
In the beginning I could not find someone that I felt Comfortable ASKING to be my Sponser, and I was in the Program a Complete YEAR before I found one to connect with, In my mind I have two...One on this board & another at my home group...
You can work the steps till you find someone you are comfortable with, for me, I worked steps 1,2,&3 for the first Year... And NOW that I have found the trust in my Sponsers I am Ready and willing to work step 4... Which has been tough, but I'm ready for the challange...
Give yourself time... Be easy on yourself, and realize HONESTLY... Your Not Alone... You have come to a place that has Beautiful people, and a WIDE Range of Experiences, Strengths & Hope... I hope you continue to Go to your F2F meetings, and that you continue to come here and share... there is meetings here on line as well, which is also nice for us when we dont feel like being Completely exposed...
This Program has been a true blessing to me, and thanks to the knowledge I seek here for ME... It has been a blessing to those around me as well...
You made a HUGE Step Forward in Coming here, and admitting you are powerless... Now all ya have to do is stick around... :D
Friends IN Recovery... Hugs & Prayers
Jozie
PS.. My HP is always making me laugh... Even when I feel like cryin... Hold your Head up ... Your Doing Fine :O)
I could have written what you just wrote. I have started to be different lately, but normally I would rush out of a meeting at the end. Social interaction became completely excruciating to me. I hated myself so much that I didn't believe anyone else would want to be around me and I had developed this paranoia that everyone would reject me.
My first sponsor taught me about the Target of Trust. She told me that there are several layers/levels to this target of trust and my disease requires that I think in black and white - total extremes that keep me in the crazy and prevent me from finding balance. She had me draw this TOT and mark where certain people were in my life. She told me I had a choice about where to place these people. I could put them at a 1 - the bullseye/center/prone to emotionally destroy me OR I could put them farther back, away from me emotionally and that was ok. It didn't need to be all or nothing.
Something I am learning to practice is self acceptance in the NOW. This is hard for me because there are so many things that frustrate me - I hate that I am terrified of friendships with other women. I hate that I bounce from meetings too. I hate that sometimes I don't want to go to meetings. I hate that I am not more friendly, less insecure and more social. But I am trying to just remind myself that I am right where I am supposed to be and that is ok. The other day I heard someone say that the Past is depression, the future is anxiety and the present is peace. I am trying not to judge my every thought and the things about me that irritate me. I am trying to just allow them to be feelings and not judge. One of my program friends always uses this slogan - See it, don't judge it - about her shortcomings. We are the hardest on ourselves. When I can see my recovery and change as a process and know that I can't hope for it to SNAP all together and be effortless, it helps the growing pains ease a bit.
I think that is one of the paradoxes of recovery, sometimes there are lean times. What I recommend is to try getting a sponsor. That kind of relationship may not seem as overwhelming.
I do know for me personally when I put in boundaries a lot of people balked. Some people do respect them, others think that they are the most horrendous thing I could possibly do and incredibly abusive.
I've also had abandonment issues and I've had to look at that one big part of them which I learned to do as a child is to abandon myself as well as to reproach myself. In fact I'm looking at that one way I survived was not necessarily to repress memories but to reproach them that is to keep doubting them and to remonstrate with myself about them. Acceptance is something I work on daily.
Aloha ARSK...You are doing your recovery and are in the early stages...Very good. Keep and open mind and keep coming back. There is no perfect way to "get recovery"...it comes with practice and comes in time. Stay in the program in the day and practice a little bit more each day. If you haven't gotten the "Just for Today" pamphlet/card...I suggest it. It was very helpful in setting up my daily behavior and one of the consequences was that confusion started to drift away.
Having boundries is kind of tough. When I really think about it, I am not sure I really have thought boundries through. Its funny, I thought I told my mom and A Stepfather that I had boundries, but now I realize they never respected them. So is not talking to my parents a type of boundry? I wonder about that now. At this point the ball is in their court, I really can't do anymore. I left the door open...
-- Edited by ARSK on Thursday 28th of January 2010 12:27:44 PM
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Still looking for that famous quote! Important thing is I am Here!
Hey ARSK - thanks so much for your share. I can relate to most of your post...For me, all that you share was where I started with I found the world of 12 step programs a while back...
There were some old-timers who were very, very matter of fact about survival from this disease - no matter how it affected you - directly or indirectly. I remember bringing this up in a meeting, and someone much, much wiser than I suggested I needed to practice.
This person suggested I start at a grocery store or a drug store. Even a department store. They told me I needed to just make eye contact, and say, "Good morning".
If I wanted to say more, feel free. If not, that was OK to.
Being forever scared to fail, I ventured out the next morning - errands to run - groceries, post office, bank and dry cleaning. In each scenario, I did exactly as told to me. With each eye contact and word, it got easier.
I realize this sounds pretty small and perhaps silly, but I was so dysfunctional, I did not even know how to be civil/social with other members of society. I, at times, felt as if I were back in 1st grade learning so many skills that I either learned and lost or never learned.
Truth be told, I still tend to panic at the end of meetings. Esp. if it's a newer group or an alanon meeting. I find those few steps towards others very, very difficult but the steps towards the door are a breeze. I'm working on this too so can really relate here!
(((((Hugs to you)))))!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
