The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just got a message from ex-AH (I didn't pick up the phone when he called). He'd been sober maybe 60 days (I don't count any more) and picked up again on Friday. He was supposed to go see his family by bus around Christmas, but weather prevented the trip. The bus line refunded the money to my account, since I had paid for the tickets. Last week, I loaned him $40 to get to and from get a temp job, and he was supposed to be pay me back on Friday. I took my money from the refunded bus ticket.
His message to me: "Is there any money left to buy my bus ticket? There's going to be major disappointment out there if I don't make the trip." ????? That didn't occur to him when he started drinking, though. It never does.
While drinking, he didn't take the kids sledding on Saturday, as he had promised them. He sent me a text message Sat. another Sun and a third on Monday. Monday he missed our son's 9th birthday and cub scout meeting. Tonight is our older daughter's band concert; he won't be there. I've been living with their disappointment all weekend. He never even mentioned my son's birthday in his texts or messages - just tell the kids I'm sorry and I love them.
I'm continually amazed - though I shouldn't be - at how selfish this disease is. There is no way I'm buying him a bus ticket! Got to get back to work... I've wasted enough time on this today.
I know for Me, I So understand what you are going thru, but I think More so What Your Kids are going thru... My Parents split when I was 9 because of my Alkie/drug addict AFather... I remember many times, Of Broken Promises, and Broken feelings, and hurt that I felt because at the time, I felt "I" did something that made him keep "Not Showing Up!" Thats what kids do... I wasn't told that My Afather Had A Disease, or A Sickness that allowed him to be this way... It was always 'brushed' under the rug, as... Well... Maybe NEXT time... WHich then lead me to belief that NEXT time... Was Yet another Broken Promise, and 95% of the time it was...
After a while, as us Kids got older, My Mom woud then tell my Father... "You Make NO Plans With the Kids, All Plans Go thru Me, that Way when you find an excuse to Not Show Up, I'm the only one upset!"... And that was it, she wouldn't tell us if he was suppose to come over after school or nothing, birthday's she would just say, "I don't know what his plans are, he's welcome if he'd like to come" and that was it...
I struggle at times telling My Own Son "Anything" that we have plans to do, because I am so affraid that I "Wont" be able to follow thru with it... So He gets Some Pretty Awesome Surprizes thru out the year, because I wait till I am loaded & in the truck sometimes...lol... But He isn't as Nervous as I was, He does have a Good Support in the "Rest" of his family and that is a big help...
Alcoholism is a VERY Selfish Diseases, Watchin my Afather die from it was no picnic... I can tell ya, and watching your Abrother take that same road, everyday of his life, hurts too... But I have learned to "Detach With Love" from His Life... I still Talk to him, just on my Terms not His...
And Good For You For Not Answering... That is Taking Care of You, So Good Job...
This is not a Place of Advice, If I were standing in that spot... I would just be sure that my kids understood, that Dad's Sick, and some times it causes him to not always be Honest... Its hard to say to your kids... I know, I had to teach my Son how to interact with my Afather & Abrother with out hangin on their every word... But they are so worth, Not being hurt or feeling the blame.. I don't know your full cituation, I only know mine... And for me I just wished it would have been explained a little better... Maybe then I wouldn't all feels at "Fault" for all around me...
Please Take what You LIke and Leave the Rest.. Wishin I handed you some Hope :o) Keep COming Back.. It truly does "Work if you Work it "
I could have written this post. It can be so frustrating to have to deal with the ups and downs and continual disappointments.
Today I'm struggling a bit with this. It hurts me to see the pain in my kids' faces and to hear their bitterness and anger toward their dad. But all I can do is work on myself and be the best possible mom for them.
