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My A and I just had yet another fight, I'm crying as I sit and write this. I have only been with him for a little over two years. He was married and in a relationship with his wife for almost twenty years. Every time we have a fight he accuses me of doing the things she did. I cant take it any more. He yells at me to call the police and get him removed, cause that is what she always did. I have never done this. He is not violent towards me, but his temper can be very frightening. He always accuses me of thinking he is just a drunk and nothing he says could possibly be right. I honestly donk think like this, nothing I say will convince him though. I only went to 3 or 4 f2f meetings and I am feeling so upset and lost. I dont know how to feel anymore. Its so frustrating trying to convince him that I am not thinking or feeling thoughts that he says I am. I get so angry that at times that I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Today when we argued it was after his ex wife called, I get accused of monitoring his phone calls, I didnt even know it was her, he came and told me. Then he rang back and I heard snippets of the conversation, I was not monitoring his call. he kept walking past the bedroom window. How could I help but hear? We are moving to Melbourne in 4 days to spend some time with my family for a couple of months then moving permantly to Tasmania as that is where he is from. I'm hesitent now about going to Tasmania with him as his ex is there. we are going because his children are there also. So I dont begrudge him wanting to be near his kids. But when we get there I will have no friends or family anywhere near me. They will be in a different State. I have told him I will move to Melbourne, but I cant give him a guarantee that I will be going to Tasmania with him. I know I'm rambling on. There is just no one for me to discuss my feelings with. My family know he is an active A but they dont know what I go through. I make sure they dont. Anyway thanks for reading this.
Oh sweetie, no need to ever apologize for rambling/venting here, it is what it's for - to share and get support. This is the appropriate place to share this stuff in - I know I used to talk to anyone - anyone and it isnt fair to them - they dont understand - but we do.
He is doing what A's do - trying to cause drama bc that is what he needs - so he can justify his drinking to himself - when u lose emotional control and get upset and flooded in the argument - they feed off of that. Detaching is hard work but it can be done - detach from his isues, feelings, whims, scenes - if u stop feeding into it and sinking to that level and then being mad at yourself for going there -- if u stop it, it will help u focus on YOU and have emotional space. Then u wont be feeding into the disease anymore. I enalbed in ways I had no idea I was doing it - and fighting endlessly with an A, is enabling. Dont take the bait. Come here, go to a meeting, take a walk or go work out or to a movie, call a friend, write in a journal - meditate &/or pray. Anything u can think of to remove yourself from taking the bait.
Maybe it is a good time to consider setting some boundaries. My first boundray was when my step dad was drinking, I left my mom's house (I'd go there to visit with her). Then over time, I would stay until he began to pick on me emotionally. Over time, I changed the boundary for myself and then I didnt need it anymore - his words had no effect on me and he could no longer upset me.
I used the 6 guidelines, which I have shared below to set boudnaries in all aspects of my life - professionally as well. After I set and followed through on boundaries, I felt self esteem, self respect (bc I was no longer compromising my needs) and then came the detachment and it felt like freedom and I wanted a whole lot more of that feeling. So I am losing the compulsion to rescue others - and keep the focus on me, the only one I can change and control.
Take it one day at a time and see what happens when u are visiting your family. Who knows, maybe u will change your mind or just set up a plan B, in case it doesnt work out or you want out of the relationship. Take care of YOU and consider your needs vs your wants.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too.
Take care of YOU ~ whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
He is not going to blame himself so he has to blame someone it has been my experience that addicts blame the one's they love the most..we are the one's who they take it out on.
As far as your family. dear friend unless you live it you can not understand it.
I hope you keep getting help for you....he has to find his own road to recovery as do you.
Perhaps getting to a few more meetings will help. Check with the Alanon Home Page to see if there are meetings where you are going, if you do decide to go that is. If there are no meetings there, start one. Who knows? You might make a few friends who understand as few can.
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If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before.
Sorry you are struggling, as your pain is evident.... In reading your post, I couldn't help but think of two things...
1. We continue to expect (hope) sick, irrational people (i.e. active A's) to behave in healthy, rational ways....
2. I see myself in some of your comments, and I am not an A! Past failed relationships continue to haunt me, as I "expect" people to treat me like my ex-AW did.... it has hurt me several times over, when I am dealing with healthy people today.... I guess my point would be - a struggling A, who likely doesn't love himself very much - is more than likely to fall back to these reference points - nope, it is not fair, nor just, but it is his reality today.... In the immortal words of my wise old sponsor - "it is not right or wrong, it simply IS".
Take care of you, and dive into your recovery...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Sam...Cheeeeez that feels bad from here also and scarey for what you are allowing yourself to become involved in. I did that also and then realized while in the program that those were some of the very best bad decisions I could have ever made. Forget the reasons why I made them they were still the very worse decisions for me.
You said that "you honestly don't think like he accuses" That is the only thing you need to respond to him with; calmly and clearly and then calmly walk out. The truth is easiest to say. He needs to hear it and so do you need to hear yourself say it. Or may be after he falsely accuses you..."You're wrong" and then do the walk away there also.
You're following up after his exwifes failed attempt to be a value in his life. That can never be if he is stuck in the past and the problem. Stop trying, it is his past and his issues. I learned to never go there with my wife no matter how much heat she applied. "I didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it and won't be a victim to it. Take care of it in the best way you know how and don't continue to lay it on me or blame me as I have my own ways of handling it." I don't know how she took care of the problems she was letting plague her. That wasn't any of my business and she did somewhat because I wouldn't participate in any way with her and she still did take care of it because they are not an issue in my life today. In the same way I took the lead in it because I learned in Al-Anon never again to lay my past on my present partner. She didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it for me. It is my responsibility.
I'd like to hear how you plan on surviving while walking into his past with his demons and taking his abuse at the same time. It never worked for me and from those I learned from in the program it didn't work for them either. What can you possibly gain from the choice to do it? How will you become a better person for it and how will the partnership improve as a result? How can you get less of what you are now getting by giving more of what's left of you? Inventory questions for me cause in the end I will be fully responsible for my decision and the outcome.
Your post is an echo from my past. Anything I learned you can have for free to take what you might like and leave the rest lay.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 27th of January 2010 02:29:46 PM
Thankyou to everyone for your replies, I got alot out of them, I even wrote alot of what you said down so I can keep going back to it. Last night he said to me at the end of a long day of arguing and alot of crying on my side, that he doesnt want to do anything. He doesnt want to go to Melbourne or to Hobart. He just wants to go to rehab. He went to rehab twice a few years back and left early because his wife was ringing him every day crying and yelling at him that he was having a holiday while she was home with the kids. I dont have children and I know I wont ring him everyday telling him to come home, but he worries about how I will cope. As I have told him i will cope just fine. His ex wife also had a bad problem with binge drinking and drugs. I dont drink and I dont and never have taken drugs. I also have never thrown things at him in argument or hit him and she did it all the time. I just dont know how he could possibly think I'm anything like that. Once again thankyou. Oh and Jerry, I really have no Idea how i plan on surviving and in my heart i cant see how i can survive it. I just dont know how or have the courage yet to change it. It is so hard because I love him so much.
It's been my experience that accusations are classic A behavior that can often border on paranoia. For me, I am deeply insecure and I used to project all of that out onto my A in hopes that in doing so he wouldn't leave or it was somehow preventing it from happening. It was some misplaced and dysfunctional method of control of illusion of control. I used to take his bait, hook, line and sinker and would be erupting in tears over his accusatory remarks or nastiness. My mood at any given moment in time revolved around the way he was treating me and whether or not he was happy with me.
Meetings and getting a sponsor and talking to program people when I was in the THICK of those feelings and his insanity really helped pull me up out of the mud and ground me. I used to be rocked about by his mood swings that I lost myself everytime. You're not alone.
