More resentment.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Codependent · Senior Member

More resentment....

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

The real work may start for your AH when he leaves rehab. I heard an AA speaker describe rehab once as "pretend life." I'm not knocking rehab - certainly it's very helpful and very necessary for many many people. Just saying that real life is not like rehab. There won't be someone making him get up at a particular time, there won't be someone making him go to meetings or group therapy or counseling, etc. He'll be on his own working his own program and back to reality. As you know, real life is way harder.

I think I can understand how you feel. He's concentrating pretty much exclusively on himself and meanwhile, life goes on for you - you have all the family responsibility all by yourself.

Can you get to some f2f meetings for yourself? In my experience, just going to meetings helps me get back to focusing on myself rather than comparing what I'm doing to what someone else is doing.

I'm glad you're doing better. One day at a time - you're making it! :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe if you think of it as he is there for a very serious, incurable brain and total body disease it will help.

This is true..... love debilyn

Codependent · Senior Member

Yeah. I guess on one hand I am afraid maybe the rehab is going Too Easy for him- that maybe when reality hits it Will be Too Hard in comparison. Ah...I'm Letting it go. At any rate, I didn't respond to the favor text.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

My AHSober moved out five years ago. He is closer to services, conveniences, restaurants, etc. It also doesn't snow where he is. I want to choke him when he asks me if I have seen such and such movie or he talks about the streets are clear and dry and I just spent a hour shovelling snow. I can feel the resentment building up in me as I write this. I do know to look to my HP to help me understand why I am where I am right now.

In support,
Nancy

Bella333 · Veteran Member

I relate! I get so resentful because my exABF has a better job etc. And things seem to come so easily for him. Rrrrr. But I know that he has resentments against me for things that he thinks come easy for me. Resentments don't help anyone. All I try to remember is to take care of myself even more and that the As have a problem I wouldn't want. : )

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I get resentful also because I have a full-time job, I juggle a million responsibilities, I'm keeping going on many fronts at once, etc., while my ex works here and there but has lots of free time (and complains about having to work several hours a day), pays no child support, keeps nothing going, and so on. But I'm trying to remember that his "carefree" life has a down side. He doesn't work much because he's not capable of sustained effort, and his life shows it. He's in a terrible financial situation and he can hardly keep his very simple life on the right track. He seems carefree about it, but if he were really carefree, would he need alcohol to deaden his feelings? If I had to choose, I'd still choose my life which the responsibilities, which mean I'm also capable of the possibilities.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I get it, I really do. When my exAH came out of rehab, I was ready to check in! Imagine a place to only focus on me, talk about me, meditate about me.. it sounded like heaven. Fact is, it is not reality, but a place to lay a foundation. It really is just the beginning of recovery for both of you. Everything changes.

Two years later I was still getting the "Have a great day!" and "Wishing you abundance, peace and joy!" texts and emails. Interesting, but in person he still looked miserable, and he never said it face-to-face. There was no way he was going to admit to me that abstaining from substances was difficult, and his thinking needed fixing. It was much easier to shift it so that my attitude was the thing impaired. In my experience, I think there was and still is a whole lotta "fake it til you make it" going on. Early on, I responded with things like"keep your flowery program speech to yourself!", and it took much restraint not to get sarcastic with things like " ..and I wish you rainclouds, puppy poop and burnt popcorn". Drove me crazy, but when the pendulum swung the other way and the nastiness began again, well, it put it all in perspective. In some ways it became another element of addiction - nothing in moderation! Ultimately, not responding made me feel the best. It can just be a continuation of the crazy-making behavior if you let it.

The best thing I ever did was keep coming back and open myself to the words of wisdom of those who've walked before me. Its certainly not an easy journey, but one well worth the travels. You can do this.

Blessings,
Lou

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I was addicted to feeling angry, resentment and envy...I shot these up just like a
junkie...they were my drugs of choice until the high of it started killing my spirit.
I had to end up hating those feelings (my bottom) and my sponsor taught me to
get the opposite feelings and effects by practicing the opposite...the opposite of
anger is acceptance. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness. The opposite of
envy is gratitude. I don't get power from feeling the opposites...I get peace which
is only what my HP wills for me. Anger, resentment and envy are power without
control and the opposite is control without power. I wonder if Ghandi was ever a
member of our fellowship or maybe even my earliest sponsor's sponsor. LOL.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Codependent)))),

I never resented the fact that my Tim was seeking recovery. I was happy for him. I was a little jealous of all the time he was spending in AA and with his recovery friends. That was until I read Abbyal's post: Are you ready for his recovery? That was a slap upside the head that I needed. How could I not be glad that he was seeking recovery. Did I want him dead?

What annoyed me the most was that he had this remarkable chance to reivent himself and he threw it away. What a waste and a terrible shame. I was more angry that he continued to relapse. This resentment was eating away at me. I realized that I was becomming my sister. She let all those resentments eat her alive. I did not WANT to become that person. I WOULD not become that person.

I had 2 options:
1) let the resentments eat me alive and make things worse
2) get on with life and all that life had to offer - life on life's terms

I choose option number 2. I pushed those resentments aside. I bannned the word resentment from my vocabulary and my life. It wasn't easy. But I kept at it. Life got remarkably better. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

-- Edited by Karilynn on Wednesday 27th of January 2010 09:16:58 AM

-- Edited by Karilynn on Wednesday 27th of January 2010 09:17:53 AM

BatonRougian · Member

I relate. Im taking care of my supposedly sober soon to be ex-wifes son half the time and his grandparents the other half. Sure she lives with them but she's never there. I remember the first time I saw her with the guy who is today her boyfriend. i was driving to a league basketball game with my son and step-son and we pulled up along side of them. I got real indignant about how Im taking care of her child so she can run the streets doing whatever. Here it is 4 moths latere and nothing is different. I try to take her out of the picture and know that Im taking care of my step son because I love him and he wants me too. It still pisses me off though. It would be better if I knew that she was caring for him when I wasnt but she isnt. She has been running this game on everyone saying she is waiting for a bed in treatment so she didnt have to get a job. Im sure everyone has since realized its a lie. So anyway I dont have the problem of struggling while she is doing well. She isnt doing well. She is a jobless waist of space who is dating another waste of space junkie. They are supposedly both newly sober. I got some ocean front property in Arizona for sale. I know my resentment has a lot to do with my love for her and the anger of having to try and get past that. I had a dream last night that was disturbing. She was engaged in a public sex show with multiple dudes. If she does change I doubt her reality will be much different. Thats what girls like her do. Trick and strip. Most of her junkie friends do it. Her best friend and using buddy got in a head on collision a coupla weeks ago and broke her neck and messed up her internal organs. I was not surprised at all. Hope she didnt kill any innocent people.

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