Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Haleyb12 · Member

calling the police on your child

MaryPoppins · Veteran Member

Thats a tough one, and whats done is done, no use going back and tormenting yourself if is was the right decision.

The ESH that I can offer is that a family member had a similar situation, what they did was take their child to court as an uncontrollabe unruly minor, and relinquish custody over to the state so their acting out child could be put in foster care and get all of the help they needed.

This allowed the parents to KNOW they were doing the very best they could for their child, and to protect the other children in the family from a very bad influence and a very stressful atmosphere in the home.

This is a drastic move, but that is all they could do with a child that broke the law right and left, brought illegal substances into thier home around their other minor children, and finally, associated with an adult gang of criminals and got into more trouble.

It had a good end, that child got straightened out, and is now a firefighter.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

One thing I know for sure is, we don't learn without consequences for our behavior. This made an impact on her that you guys, her parents cared enough to step in and call the police.

My son, because of this type behavior ended up going to survivor camp. When he completed it, very proudly, he told us at a group meeting he wanted more rules and routine.

I grew up with no spoken rules. No one said don't drink or smoke pot etc. This was in the late 60's and 70's!Gads what were they thinken??

Good family, we really never got into trouble though. BUT I naturally brought my kids up the same.

So anyway now I realized after my career of working with kids, they WANT boundaries and routine and parents strong enough and loving enough to set them up. Some people need rules written down and put on the wall!

My kids were brought up to respect others, not to talk back, I mean they did not run down grocery isles etc. In school there were expectations that they really did do.

But like your daughter, my son was into drugs. Nothing else though. BAD enough.

Anyway that survival camp, he saved his own life. He learned what needs and wants were, he saw how powerful he was and he could do anything he chose.

Staying home would not have given him a chance to find out what a cool guy he really was with out drugs.

I learned to support what he loved, riding motorcyles, fishing, hiking, having his friends over. I raised so many teenage boys that others kicked out.

Learned to correct them with love and humor, but I meant it and would not take anything less and they knew it. Same with the gun toting students at school.

Kids need us to be tough. They are four year olds in big bodies I swear.The tougher you can be with love and humor the better you are doing.

I am sure it was the last thing you would ever have to do calling the police on your own child!

Hoping you can keep on it with your child. My mother used to threaten to tie us up by our thumbs. She ended up raising my boy cousin. She did tie his thumbs to a cubboard door! lol Made him and my brother smoke until they both were throwing up. lol Neither smoke today as adults. tougher with love, works.

good people do not come from parents and others who don't care enough to say hey wait a minute you turkey! I don't thiiiiiink so!~ If you don't go to school I will go with you and follow you from class to class! AND I will wear red tights with a purple dress!Believe me it only takes once of a shock sometimes and they do lots better following rules.

Plus you are catching her early. You may be saving her a life of horror!

Glad you are here. Debilyn

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you are having to go through this. What a hard thing to have to do, but necessary. Let her experience the pain. It will not kill her to hurt a lot. Hurting is a great motivater to do something different. Alcoholics do not get recovery until they hit a hard bottom. Thats just the same with the rest of us. We don't change til what we are doing hurts enough to give us the incentive. She needs the boundary of pain that her actions will cause her. Our literature says do not create a crisis, but do not avert a crisis. You did not cause her trouble, you just allowed her to see that you would not avert one either. You love her enough to be willing to throw the book at her if that's what it takes for her to find the easier, softer way of following a good path. It is her choice to take that path or continue to hurt.

Just remember to fall hard on your program. Practice these principles in all our affairs, means just that. Step one- I am powerless over alcohol(and people, places, and things) and my life has become unmanageable. My take on it. You cannot control her, but you can refuse to let her behavior rule you.

Keep loving her enough to do what you have to do. She needs your strength so she can find her own.

I will be thinking of you and your family.

In recovery,

Haleyb12 · Member

thanks for the support, it is very helpful!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Haley...I use to be a Behavioral Health Counselor in an adolescent substance
abuse treatment facility...I use to instruct my parents to follow my lead when their
kids decided to pee on the rules. I even demonstrated a time or two by calling the
cops into my program to pick up their child who was taking it upon themselves to
threaten and abuse the program and treatment team and the parents themselves.

I've had a few kids who later thanked me for doing it.   go figure. One thing about
helping the addict and or alcoholic to hit their bottom is the harder the hit the better
the chances for change and change doesn't come with a guarantee.

When you set a boundary it better be enforcable or she's going to run over you and
still expect you to provide her needs while she does her drugs anyway.   Cops are
there for the calling...thank your husband and your son for the support. Stay unified
at all times...addicts and alcoholics especially kids just love to split the group up and
when they do they get you to doubt each other and fight amongst yourselves while
they smile and mosey off.   You might even consider taking the door of her bedroom
off the hinges...just a suggestion that we use to do that had some success. No
Secrets!!....No Hiding.

If you have been to an Al-Anon meeting or have some Literature look up the 12
traditions. See how they can be applied to your family...willingly. If the traditions
can hold the World-wide Fellowship together they can help with the family...Those
traditions concerning leadership won't apply as much as in your family there must
be leadership on all levels of responsibility.

In support.   (((((hugs))))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning Haley. I have called the police in the past and did again just yesterday. My ASon will be 18 in March and is currently on diversion. He did go into state custody and then he came back.

Looking back, there are some 'good changes' from our efforts. He's got a long way to go to grow up, but he's better tooled than he was before. I can tell you horror story after horror story about our experience. But, I do believe that each child/person is different in their use and their maturity.

I truly did not find one 'magic bullet' that helped our son redirect. The best I was able to do was to clearly state what is not acceptable at any level. I also make clear the consequences - illegal activity = police involvement. This, of course, is after much trial and error.

The largest challenge in our home is a huge disconnect in rules, consequences, etc. between my Ah and I. It is great to hear that your husband, your son and you are all united in family for your daughter.

Super glad you're here. When the buttons are being pushed here, for me, I am learning to not engage. If I don't react or if I react a bit differently, it makes the 'dance' less fun for the A(s) in my home. In the middle of our chaos yesterday, I sat calmly watching college basketball. This was while the police were in route.

Take care of you! This forum is AWESOME to lean on and the F2F meetings truly are helping me know I am not alone and there are others who, through ESH, will guide me when I am lost.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like a tough situation, but sounds like you handled it beautifully. Padding the consequences of unacceptable behavior doesn't provide any incentive for change. My children are 9 and 3.5 months, and I don't know yet if they will struggle with this disease. I'm sure I can't even imagine how tough it was to call the police and know that your daughter may go to jail.

Welcome to the group - glad you're here.

Peace :)

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((Friend)))))))))))))))))))),

Wow your daughter has surely been holding your family hostage to her addiction.
Be proud of yourself. now she knows just how far she can push you.

You in my opinion you did absolutely the right thing, after all your are trying to help her save her very life...and maybe by her not drinking and driving you have saved a life of another.

The ball in in her court now u just have to let her shot it.....

Take what you need...leave thie rest....this is just my opinion.

You are a wonderfully strong MOM!!!!

With Love,
Andrea

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you need to do this to take care of you. It also shows the police where you are on this if your daughter's problems escalate. I know it is dreadful. I had a cruel time with my son last year. But, I had to get tough. He threatened suicide and everything like that, it was really foul but I had to deal with it. Things are good now. You cannot be hostages.

Haleyb12 · Member

again, thanks for all the responses-- I am sort of a veteran of this program been coming to al-anon off and on for over 20 years, I am also ACOA, SLAA and my main program is CoDA--- so this is not new stuff for me.. My oldest son the one that I mentioned before actually went through it and now has been sober for 4 years, there was a period of time where he was suicidal and I got an emergency petition on him to get some help but to me that is different than "calling the police"--

I think it is just my codependency acting up because now my daughter says she hates me and that hurts.. (on the other hand she has stayed home safe all weekend since this incident. )

I was also worried that we "caused or created a crisis" by calling the police--

so I am grateful for the poster above who defined that for me----

JEN SAYS>>>>>Our literature says do not create a crisis, but do not avert a crisis. You did not cause her trouble, you just allowed her to see that you would not avert one either. You love her enough to be willing to throw the book at her if that's what it takes for her to find the easier, softer way of following a good path. It is her choice to take that path or continue to hurt.

Haleyb12 · Member

ok, so now this weekend she went out last nite and still is not home--- I am having a hard time dealing with this and I am now blaming my husband because he had told her he would not give her a ride to work-- so she got a ride from her friend who does drugs and he let her go (I was at work) ... and now she has not been home all night. I went out looking for her last nite and could not find her... I know I am not working my program very well right now-- I went through this with my mother, my brother, my ex-husbands and my oldest son-- you think that I would know how it works by this time. It just is sooo different when it is your child...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene