Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

blender_girl · Senior Member

Interesting conversation with my 9 year old - pondering how to proceed

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I would bet that your son knows very well who the alcoholic is, and is afraid to say it. It sounds as if it's been a "no-talk" issue in your house, and he's learned that it's too scary and upsetting to others to acknowledge it.

My experience is that telling the alcoholic he can't drink in front of our son is no more effective than telling him not to drink any other time. He's an alcoholic; drinking always comes first, even though they deny it. I have a friend whose A husband had weekend custody of their son. Both the son and the dad swore this was all working out great. Then my friend found out that the son (age 10) knew the contents of every alcoholic drink a bar could serve. He had been parked in the back room of bars every weekend while the dad drank. He knew his dad would be furious if he told, and he was too terrified to let out the secret.

So my guess is that the idea that your husband has not been drinking while taking care of your son might not be accurate. And that your son is too scared to say anything. The safest assumption is that an active alcoholic will drink.

It sounds to me as if what your son is worrying about is, "Are my parents responsive to my needs, or are they ruled by alcohol?" No doubt your husband has given him the same assurances about drinking merely being casual, and he's seen that he can't rely on those. He's a very scared boy right now. You might want to be responsive to his fear and not drink, even if you only drink occasionally, etc. If you want to drink despite his fear of it, that might be in indication that you might want to look at your own relationship to alcohol.

I hope some of this helps -- take what fits and disregard the rest. I'll be interested to hear what other people have to say. Please take care of yourself!

lmw · Senior Member

I have a son who will be 9 the day after tomorrow. He's grown up with his father drinking continually and would be very upset if he saw me drinking. He's aware that his dad's alcoholism is the reason the four of his (he's sandwiched between two sisters) left three and a half years ago.

Three years ago, he would get very upset if he saw anyone drinking any kind of alcohol. Nowadays, he's better with that though. He's seen that his uncles and aunts can have a beer or a glass of wine and stop at that. He knows Daddy can't. But if he saw ME drinking, I think he'd be really, really worried because he knows he can count on me.... but he's never seen me drink anything but Diet Coke:)

I haven't had a drink since he was about six months old, but more because I haven't felt like it than a conscious decision not to drink. After living with booze for so long and seeing the consequences of my ex-AH's drinking, I've had absolutely no desire to.

My older two have read "What's Drunk, Mama?" and we've talked about it afterwards. They're both in counseling, too. You might want to consider having your son talk to a professional. Think how nearly a decade of living with alcoholism (if it's been that long) has impacted you. And that's been his whole life... I know my kids need the extra help and attention.

Take what you like and leave the rest....

Linda

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

My kids are teens and still don't like it if i have a glass of wine...even tough they know ai have never ever had a problem with it I think they still see what alcohol caused in their lives and that is that for them.

Go slow take it easy.. we all move at our own pace.

Peace,
Andrea

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

My one thought as I read your post and the replies is this. How is a child supposed to understand that Dad has a sickness if everybody keeps hiding that fact from him. Why is a disease a taboo subject if it really is a disease and his dad can't help having it? If the subject of his Dads inability to stop drinking is not contrasted with those who can have one and not another, how is he supposed to understand the difference between an alcoholic who has a disease, and a regular person who has a glass of wine a couple of times a year.

And a child who grows up with the distruction of alcoholism and does not know there is a difference is likely to live with fear every time they see anyone around them drink. I want to say remember the slogan False Evidence Appearing Real. It is a false assumption to think that everyone who has a drink is going to get out of control and be mean and distructive.

These are just my thoughts, offered as something more to think about.

One more thing... I have always found that the straight truth is what my 9 yo son wants the most from me. It helps him feel more secure if he knows that SOMEONE will always tell him the truth, no sugar coating, nothing is taboo. He knows he can ask me anything and I will not beat around the bush.

Anyway, that is what works for us.

In recovery,

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Now my experience with this is not the same thought.

For my kids it was not the drinking as much as it was, when they drank, daddy dies, then daddy goes away.

They were always afraid they were going to lose me. It was horrible profound loss.

I still remember when my dad went away for the first time. It was not becuz of addiction. Didn't matter. Was still his horrible scared feeling that he was not there. The family was not there anymore. For me having two parents there made me feel secure.

He came back. But I never to this day felt the same.

My daughters daddy died primarily from his using as a young adult. She has never been in love that she will admit and has guys leave after a certain amount of time. GREAT guys too. She does not fall in love. She pushes me away, she is afraid of losing me.

Abandonement is very hard on a child. They feel as if they did something wrong.

Anyway this is my esh. love,debilyn

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

"They feel as if they did something wrong. "

I agree, Debilyn, and in the same vein, they can also internalize that if dad is bad or weak because he cannot control his drinking, maybe I am bad or weak, too. I always tried to tell my son that his dad was not bad, he was sick. That is not a weakness, people get sick. I told him it is a sickness that makes him hate himself inside and hide it, and he is the only one who can get himself better. I told him that we were all affected and we had to learn to get better ourselves and let dad get better his own way if he chose to.

Those were hard conversations to have with a 7 year old, but he really responded to them. He really started to have more confidence that we would be ok, even if dad was not. That is what he needed, to know he would be ok, whatever happened.

In recovery,

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha BG....What an awesome experience to revisit for me. I won't do my story here
but I will say that part of it was working with youth in a substance abuse/alcoholism
setting...with the youth and with the families; couples, individuals etc etc. Young
people see the picture in stark black and white contrast...adults will shade the contrast
so that it becomes easier on themselves and include justifications and excuses.

Just some old information? Alcohol in whatever fashion or mix is a mind altering,
mood altering chemical period and that is what it is made for. It doesn't matter who
you are (gender matters) or anything about you including family and kids. Your 9
year old already knows how important it is to the adults in his life and that there is
nothing he can do (even less than you) about what happens when adults drink no
matter how many. Kids know that when their parents drink they slip in the line of
priority...defense of the beer overcomes empathy for the childs concern.   After all
we're adults and everything will be fine. However if you get into their shoes and look
at the picture as they see and have seen it the often consequence is fear and shock.

When you talk to him about alcohol include how it is made and why it is a mind
and mood altering (in the least) chemical. Include the historical destruction of
people, places and things as a result. The information may help him make a
decision in the future not to drink. You might include genetic and the information
that children of alcoholic are very very often predisposed to be alcoholics themselves
or to marry one or both.   I still do the research and homework on the chemical
and its continuing affect on my community and family. Have you noticed lately
the larger number of television ads promoting alcohol and from brands you have
never seen on television before.  If manufacturing, distribution and sales have
their way they will get your money and your sons money along with his Dad's. The
increased number of liquor licenses in my small area is a wakeup call. The problem
isn't going to get smaller inspite of recovering people doing public service.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I do remember sitting down with my boys intent on discussing alcohol, drugs, addiction and the illness concept. I believe they were probably 8 and 10 or 9 and 11. For me, I had to totally act as if the flow was for educational and information purposes. I did not ever and still don't personalize the disease, the actions, the outcomes, etc.

When we were having this educational discussion, about the time I was sharing about mind-altering substances, and reactions - i.e. driving under the influence, my oldest opens his mouth and says, "So, mommy, if we are riding with dad, and he has a bottle or 2 of alcohol in his trunk, do we go to jail too?"

This was when I learned of one 'slip' by my Ah. My first reaction was to excuse myself, and go cry. However, I had these captive little people, who were curious, concerned, scared, etc. sitting in front of me. So, I answered as best I could and said, "If you all were pulled over, the the police had any concerns, they would call me and I'd be right there.

My own experience - my boys knew much more than I ever thought. As little people here, they picked up on the tension, the stress, the anxiety, the worry, etc. They will draw their own conclusions and write a story that fits their feelings and observations - it's how mine processed.

They have never seen me under the influence of anything at all. There has never been alcohol in our home (publicly). They are fully aware that this is a disease, and it's genetic - they are exposed. My discussions/shares with them have matured as they've matured.

My youngest, right now, is truly in great pain. I can 'see' that he feels a need to 'fix' and feels hopeless and lost that he can't. My goal for this week coming is to get him to an AlaTeen meeting.

Both of mine have seen professionals when I feel they are struggling with things - I'm a huge supporter of professional help when I don't know what to do or feel it's beyond my ability to help.

Good Luck and it's so great that he's comfortable sharing his concern.

blender_girl · Senior Member

Thanks all for your ESH - I truly appreciate it.

I went back to my son later in the day yesterday and told him that if my drinking a beer or whatever was scary to him then I wouldn't do it. I told him I wanted him to feel safe and if me not drinking helped him feel safe then that's what I would do. And I am totally OK with this. Up until now, I had no idea how scary this was for him. I'm grateful that he was able to tell me, although I could see how difficult it was for him to do so.

The active alcoholism in our lives has definitely been a "no talk" subject with my son. I reached out to his school counselor a few weeks ago and let her know the situation. I felt that he needed to be introduced to the information from a neutral 3rd party. I can see a difference in my son as time goes by and as he continues to have sessions with his school counselor. He's less withdrawn - more outgoing than before. For this I am also grateful. I can still see though how difficult it is for him to express his fears - he tears up pretty easily. Breaks my heart - I see myself in him.

I'm still struggling with my fear of having anything I say on the subject being repeated back to my AH and having him lash out a me with accusations of disparaging him or otherwise speaking negatively about him to our son. Something else for me to turn over to HP, I suppose.

Thanks again for your feedback!

love in recovery,

bg

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene