Ferny -- so glad you have found us.  You have a lot on your plate.  You would benefit a lot, I'm thinking, from face-to-face Al-Anon meetings -- do find some in your area and give them a try.  It can take a little while to find the right one, so don't stop at one.  Ongoing support is so helpful.

Someone on the this board was once told in a similar situation, "If the rest of your relationship were going to be like the past two years, what would you decide?"  How would you feel about it if it doesn't change?  How would you feel about bringing up children in the relationship if it doesn't change?

It's no wonder your fiance has troubles, since his family are so deeply involved in the insanity of alcohol.  Alcoholism sucks in everyone within range, so that even those who aren't drinking are strongly affected by it.

You'll want to learn everything you can about alcoholism.  Meetings and the literature at meetings has lots of information.  The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is also very helpful.  You've probably already seen the three C's: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.  They have to make that decision themselves, and it takes a lot for them to see and understand the insanity they've gotten themselves into, and (hard truth bottom line) most of them never see it.  Most of them never recover.  If they do start to see that their lives are out of control, they can enter a recovery program and, with enormously hard work, start recovering.  But it's a colossal job.

The good news is that we've been sucked into the insanity, and we're totally in control of our own recovery.  That doesn't mean necessarily leaving or not leaving the alcoholic; either way, there are ways to live with serenity and happiness.  It involves a lot of learning and changing on our part, but it's so worth it.

You acknowledge your own anger which is out of control at times, so it sounds as if you have a clear perspective on how the insanity is affecting all of you.  Here are some things I wish I had known at the beginning: It was so tempting to think that if I just explained it to the alcoholic a little better, a lightbulb would go off in his head and he would see how he had to stop drinking.  I could have explained till I was blue in the face, but no amount of explaining will do it.  They have to find out for themselves.  I wish I hadn't gambled on how the relationship would surely get better in the future before I got married.  I wish I had realized that for an alcoholic, alcohol always, always comes first, before anybody or anything else.  It's like they're having an affair, and they won't stop.  I wish I had realized that I should be working on me, and not on him.

Read a lot of old posts on these boards, and keep coming back.  There is a lot of support here and you deserve so much support.  Everyone here has been where you are, in one way or another.  We're all in recovery and wonderful things are happening.  {{{Hugs}}}

Welcome to MIP....  I'd honestly encourage you to re-read your entire post...   You start by telling us how wonderful this guy is (possibly what he is sometimes like, or what you want him to be like), and then go on to talk about his actions, behaviors, and how mean, inconsistent, and potentially abusive he is.....

Sigh..  yours is a very common story, particularly in and around the world  of addictions / alcoholism.....  Read what you can, go to meetings, learn whatever is available to you.....  Choosing recovery for YOU is a great first step....

Take care
Tom

Commit to change what? It is a disease that is not curable. He will always be an addict.

His behavior is HIM. Addiction is what is called a progressive disease.

Plus what I do is put myself in their place. How would I feel if someone wanted me to change in order to ge with them?

A person is who they are, addict or not. For me I had to learn to love him and everyone just how they are. If  I could not accept their behavior I left, ended the friendship. It is not my job or right to change anyone.

You bet it hurts! Becuz we do love them.

It is hard to let go of the dream hon. I married someone I loved so much. He had been in recovery years. It was so neat being married. I had been widowed for eighteen years.

We had normal fights, fun, just a great time. Then he had a medical relapse. I had NO idea I would lose it all, and he did too, due to his addiction. I NEVER thought I would be 57, living alone, family gone and so lonely, him in prison.

Makes me so sad for you. But am proud of you for looking at things and being willing to come here to face truths that are sooo hard.

Believe me things can be better. I pray you can get very involved in Al Anon and accept love and friendship from others to get you thru this.

Hon it does not matter what he says. Remember he is very very sick. IF you can, what I had to learn to do was, to think it is the addict talking. He is so new in his recovery. Sometimes people need more than one time in rehab, most do.

Myself I would not want the AH back if he was sober for any amount of time. The disease was killing me. I had been thru enough in my life, pulled myself out and bam right into his sickness pit.I am and have climbed out again. So much harder when you are older.

Every situation is different. If I were you I think I would stop talking about it. Would take one day and make it as wonderful as I could. Not get into his stuff or think about marriage or kids or anything.

Knowing what I do now hon, I would enjoy him for just being next to me, just being clean and not stinky and passing out and or other gross things the A disease does to them.

It is such a horrible illness that most do not understand. Hon if you can, if you choose, maybe think of it as good time. Enjoy him just being there and maybe talk about the weather or make the bed together. u no? Sometimes when the drama pulls me down, I do something normal. Do dishes, wash windows. Just go take his hand, drag him to bed and ask him to just hold me.

Men in general want to fix everything. I had to learn to ask him just to listen that he did not have to do anything.

I can tell you,for a long time, I would have given anything to have him home, using or not.

I didn't care about the disease anymore. I just wanted him as he was. He did not choose to be a flaring A, or be mpd, or have post traumatic stress disorder.

Anyway as I always say too, it is ok to lighten  up and enjoy the moment.

No one is safe from an Addicts disease hon. My ah's father was A. It killed his whole family. Every one of his kids is A and their lives ruined. This happens more often than not. So horribly sad.

You will learn this by reading here and going to meetings. You will also learn sooo much more. He is a person, he is fortunate you love him. It may not be as we hope but for now, you get to be with him.

I used, "you must be right." and "wow I would not make a choice like that" or
"it must be hard for you" Not take any of it personal. NOt a word.

Much love,debilyn

all I can say is I feel for you.

Loving an alcoholic is a troubling thing, I know.

I hope you love yourself more. :)

Carol