The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For many years married to my exaH I complained about his complete lack of taking responsibility for himself.
I am learning more and more about how my manipulation and control tactics and refusal to accept my reality, was ME not taking responsibility for MYSELF.
I have not been unaware to my unhappy marriage all this time, I just chose to want to "work" on it. What that meant is see how many new standards I could create for myself when it came to behaviour of myself and from my exaH. Each time the situation got worse, I'd adjust my standards a little lower and cling to anything that resembled healthy, to keep me from making a decision to change my life.
I guess that's where hitting rock bottom comes in. My life reached a point where the standard bar could not be lowered any more. I could decide to dig...or I could decide to elevate. But the choice was mine. My responsibility, NOT his.
I still have a tendancy to seek his approval in this strange way. I know that he and I are not good together. I know that we don't make each other happy. I know that we are not what each other need. But, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the one to decide. I don't want to take responsibility for that knowledge.
Instead I repetively try to recruit his support in agreeing with me on the issue. Of course, he doesn't want to take responsibility for that decision either. I try to convince him, time and time and time again, why we don't work, THAT we don't work, because, because, because.....
I don't want to take responsibility for making a decision to choose differently now for my life. I want him to. I want to paint him as a despicable human being. I want to blame him. I want to hate him. .... because I don't want to take responsibility for making a decision to choose differently now.
Boy do I relate to that! Im new to the rooms but that is the first thing I seem to be learning, its about me doing what is right for me, this is very foriegn and sometimes a very scary prospect...sounds wierd even as I say it but its soo true.. ty for sharing :)
That's very honest Rora...I related to it and it brought back many memories when I didn't wanna either and I held on to that until I did wanna and then my life changed. I was then compulsively oppositional and defiant. My default response to change was NO!! and then NO Dammit!!. Finally I did one little (huge) program suggestion and it worked for me big time. I still said NO!! at times but left off the exclamation point Dammit and then I tried another suggestion and that one worked also. I got freedom from my problematic life...by changing who I could; me. Just one little word got me to sit down and stopping fighting the unbeatable. Uncle!! I had enough.
Responsibility is a scary word... and for me my biggest conflict is physical emotional responsibility. To a certain degree physical is easy, its the emotional part that is hard. I was married for a while too and every time I cleaned or cooked he took that as "working on our marriage". Funny how that same aspect applies to me today, the only effort is physical. I just shut up and do whats "expected" of me.
I relate to your feelings Rora.. hoping for some hope for both of us!!
Rora - your post hits right home for me too. Actually what I feel like I am living right now. learning the program and how to stand up for myself - I find myself thinking to myself that as I create boundaries and change my behavior that maybe the ABF will have enough and leave me! Which I know wouldn't be any more or less painful than if I end the relationship, but then I can continue to blame. It is hard to trust my own motives right now and all of the emotions are very raw.
