The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have never caught my A husband lying to me before. He has always been truthful in the past. I know that that sounds niave but I know when he's been drinking just by looking at him. He never denied it before, until last night. He asked me why I thought that he had been drinking. I told him I could smell it. He looked at me," like I'm busted". He didn't have anything to say from there. His drinking lately seems to occer when we have plans, he appears drunk. He's always wanting to spend time with me. So I can't figure out why when we do have someting planned he shows up drunk. We're together all week, as he's still in the same house with me. I just don't get it and I know that it really doesn't matter why. But it bugs me. I feel hurt that he does this because it really is a slam to me. Like take this lady. And everytime he does it I see another nail in his coffin ( for our marriage). I don't plan on killing him! Although, sometimes I'd like to! This diease is so ugly and so sad. It has also taught me so much and for that I have Ala-non to thank. I look back to my life 4 years ago and I'm amazed at what I've accomplished. I feel like I've created my own life and I'm almost ready to fly. And like the baby birds in the nest I just need a push! All in good time, I know. So I continue doing as I'm doing, living one day at a time. The hardest thing for me is that. Waiting until the time is right and not forcing things. I've always loved to force situations to my way! Now, thanks to this program I have a new boss, my HP.
I think sometimes the A just wants to pull the whole house down around his ears. They are in such pain adnd despair (some of them, some of the time) that they figure, "Well, just destroy everything, and maybe after the dust settles something will be different". Never thinking that it is the choices they themselves make that are the problem. My husband told me, just after he sobered up, that he had been dreaming of getting busted for his addiction. He was longing to be arrested so that he could go to jail and would be forced to clean up. He was doing stupid things, sort of flirting with the law, just trying to get arrested. The idea that he could just stop - clean up, sober up, not do it anymore- never occured to him as an option.
Maybe your husband is trying to get 'busted' for some reason.
I used to wonder why my first husband would drink even when I had set my boundaries and told him that if we had plans to go somewhere and he chose to drink before, then I wouldn't go with him. (Alanon taught me to always have a plan B so I would still be able to do the things I wanted to even if it wasn't with him.) I used to think he was choosing alcohol over me and I felt so hurt that he could do that. My sponsor reminded me that alcoholism is an addiction and it would always win out. He was not even conciously making a choice of the beer over me, he was doing what his addiction required of him to do. He didn't even recognize that he had a choice. My husband had always been truthful too but that changed as the disease progressed. SOmetimes, I don't think he realized he was lying because he was in so much denial. No thought, no reason, no honesty. I came to realize that he wasn't doing it to hurt me but I was allowing myself to be hurt. My sponsor suggested that I see him with a big sign on his forehead that said " sick " and I would realize he is not doing this to hurt me but because he is sick.
I am not suggesting that his sickness is an excuse for his bad behavior. There is no excuse for bad behavior. But it is the reason for his bad behavior. I had to decide whether or not I wanted to accept his bad behavior in my life any more.
And lin 0606 has a good point there...they are so incapable of rescuing themselves that they hope someone can reach out and rescue them!
I am happy for you for your new and happy life. We each make our own choices how we want to be happy. And this program helped me to see that and to know myself and decide what choices are best for me with the help of my higher power.
I think everyone is right. I think they act so poorly that they are trying to force you to make the decisions and take the responsibility for them. I just posted about my husband. I don't think he every tells the truth. So I set my boundaries or try.
This is an awful, horrible disease! My heart goes out to you ((((Hugs))))) My daughter use to lie so much and we were so blind. The last time she drank before treatment she really drank! (the night we had to call the police on her ) The week before, she reached out to her old addiction counselor for help but was not honest with the counselor regarding how bad her alcoholism had progressed. She told me in treatment that she reached out for help and the addiction counselor didn't listen so she decided to really drink alot so people would know she needed help. I wonder if our loved ones really know how to communicate? My daughter thought by getting so drunk she was communicating that she needed help. That is my experience. It is interesting the things she tells me now while she is on her recovery journey. I don't know why they just can't come out and say I need help,,,put me in a treatment center. Are we suppose to ask them? Are we suppose to let them hit bottom whatever their bottom is? What would it hurt to ask them once if they want to go to a treatment center and if they did tell them we would give them support for their disease? I am not sure of the answer to any of these questions. All I Know is that open communication sure helps if the A is willing to talk. In the meantime we need to take care of us. Isn't asking them if they would like to go to treatment etc. a form of detatching with love? Just thinking out loud again. It was for my situation. The addiction counselors told us when they are that sick they are unable to do things for themselves. We have stood by our daughter in her struggle and with her recent relapse. I am not sure how long it takes for their brains to get cleaned up or if they get permanent brain damage. Our daughter knows we will be there for her but we have to be very clear about what we will and will not do such as financial etc. (boundaries) I have found that it is hard for her to understand things unless we are specific or write them down. She feels so overwhelmed so easily. I am not sure what age she is at if they do have arrested development with alcoholism either. I do know that they are the ones that have to save themselves and want to be clean and sober. Wishing you all the best in your journey and in your future decision making. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Hi Whitie...try considering the lying to be a blessing. When my A drank, he was bluntly honest, not caring how my feelings were hurt. When I tried to be honest about my feelings, that was not acceptable to him. It was left to me to do the lying and trying to cover up the reasons I refused to attend public and family gatherings. Then, I did such a fine job, when I left, nobody had any clue why I did so. So, let him tangle himself up with lies. Just realize that anything he says may be a lie.
Being ready, and waiting for a little push...maybe the lies will be the push. I wish you luck in your decision. You sound as if you are building your life and your courage. God Bless you today...g
