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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I am a roadblock to myself...
Post Info TOPIC: I am a roadblock to myself...
Festfan


Veteran Member

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I am a roadblock to myself...
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Arrrggg  The past few days have been rough I have had a lot of breakthroughs about myself from this forum and general self- assessment, but Im feeling a little battered because I see the problems  (enabling, codepend, self esteem, etc.) but cant work through the solutions yet.  I really need to start re-building my self-esteem but part of me keeps feeling sorry for myself that all of my history has made me broken and in a no-win situation with someone (my ABF) who I thought was so different from my other relationships (in a good way). 

I had a good therapy session with a new therapist who is eager to help me rebuild myself and she is trying to get me away from this concept that I am broken.  My mind agrees but the emotion and insecurity are very strong

And I really cant get traction or mini-successes in dealing with my ABF I know that he was impaired when I saw him twice this weekend and I pushed back with my boundary the 2nd time but I dont think it was that effective how effective can it be when you are really talking to the alcohol?  How is it different than fighting when they are drunk?  I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall.

And last night I let myself get sucked in to a dysfunctional text conversation with him there I was saying things that I know were intended to make him feel bad. 

I am overdue for a F2F meeting I tried one on Monday but it was cancelled b/c of MLK Day.  Will try again tonight. 

 

Thanks for letting me vent
Peace!



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Peace!
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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This is a great, honest, share. Shows progress! Hope you do get to a meeting.

hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Festfan


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Thanks Debilyn and congrats on the new 100 lb addition to your household! 

I did get to a meeting tonight, finally getting a little stability as I try out the various options in my area - I am lucky for all of the choices.  It was a bigger meeting - most have been small - and for the first time for me there were newcomers (I have so far been the "newest" and the "youngest").  It was nice to be able to share my "new" experiences and talk through some of the reasons I was there.  And it was nice to see similar faces and feel very welcomed. 

I need to go to more meetings as they are helpful.  I am also glad that my courage 2 change book arrived today - reading here I come!

Peace,



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Peace!
RunnerChick


Senior Member

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Ah, Festfan. You are like me - you are ready to elucidate the problem and bang out the solution, one, two three and sitting in the "I don't know" is a painful place of discomfort and itching reflection.

I am reminded of the 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance Action.
I have always hated Acceptance and desired very deeply to slip from Awareness to Action immediately. I wanted to discover the problem and switch into auto-fix mode and take the proper action to make it all go away.
I am REALIZING that this program doesn't work like this. It's not all BLACK and WHITE - right and wrong -- knowing and not knowing --- answers and solutions. They are all processes.
My first sponsor used to annoyingly remind me to TRUST THE PROCESS. This meant I needed to sit with the discomfort and turn my fear to faith. Acknowledge my fear for being there, but choose to sit through it instead of trying to push it away. The fact was I was trying to doge the discomfort by still searching for answers. The mystery and the waiting and the praying and the being still with ME and the unknown and the unanswered seemed to be where the REAL gems were hidden.

I still have problems sitting in the now - the unknown. I need procedures, receipes, delineated formulas and step-by-step instructions on how to move onto the next phase of my recovery. It seems the more I look, the more frustrated I am. The more I trust the process and allow myself to BE WHERE I am in my journey - accept and HONOR that - it seems to get a bit easier.
I continue to learn that forcing solutions is NOT helpful OR productive.

I remember when I first came into the rooms and was rearing to go - to CHANGE me. I was in total recovery mode but, it wasn't all butterflies and honey. THere was HARD stuff and for some reason I expected it to be easier, to feel less painful. But the more Ilearned to accept it and NOT judge myself for being where I was at and experiencing where I was - for being able to stop each minute and give voice to my journey - it made it real. It allowed me tovalidate me and my experience.


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