The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After talking to an old friend this am, I realized that I am still holding on to a tremendously large amount of resentments when it comes to my older brothers, for a variety of reasons, many to do with regards to my 77 year old mother, whom I am very close to.
My friend suggested communication on all of our parts, but that is not our family and not what we do. Nor do I think now is the time. My one brother who is 18 yrs my senior and I have never been close, as he was grown and gone by the time I came along. My other brother was like the father I never had, until he betrayed me in one of the worst possible ways, and our relationship took a turn for the worst, and pretty much ended there. So needless to say we are not close. My one brother lives 4 houses away from my mother and we speak maybe 2-3 times a year and I'm good with that. My other brother is 3 hrs away and we speak about the same-and we are good with that. I don't believe in putting on charades and fronts, so I tend to keep to myself and focus on my life more and more.
I love them both, and actually came to a better place of peace with my middle brother over the holidays for the first time in years, but still I have a lot of resentments towards both of them. They both struggle with maturity issues, and have never outgrown the picky instigating little boy stage in their lives, a family trait, that I have grown ever so tired of over the years.
I'm not able to approach or communicate these resentments, verbally, to either brother at this point, as the only thing it would accomplish is crushing my 77 yr old mother (like most parents she just wants us to all get along) and anytime there is friction she feels she is a burden to us all and is upset, etc. So I can not and will not approach either sibling, at this point out of respect for my mother and concern for her health, but on the same note I want to get rid of the resentments to the best of my ability.
So I'm wondering, is there any other way to really let go of these resentments and get past them WITHOUT confronting my brothers, emailing them etc? Is there a way, a good way, that I can get it all out of ME so it no longer affects my recovery, without crushing my mother?
At this point I am only worried about my part in my resentments, it's obvious that they feel their behavior or lack there of is acceptable, and if that works for them that is fine, but I want to let go of it FOR ME. My health issues recently compounded once again (another post, another day) and for my health and recovery I need to get past the anger and resentment I feel towards them both. There are many changes going on in my life right now and I need to make the focus of my life-my recovery.
Any input would be GREATLY appreciated.
Love and peace, shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Yes, I think there are things that you can do. I dont know how many unresolved issues or feelings you have tied up in your siblings but I would look closely and deeply at any of these circumstances/issues and get in touch with the feelings. Feel them all the way through. Then maybe u could 4th step it like ask yourself - what they did - how you felt - your part in it & then why. Once u have worked it all the way through, forgive yourself for whatver (your anger, pain, for being human) and then forgive your sibling & give them to HP/God.
If you have trouble turning them over to god and releasing it/them, ask for the willingness to do it and try surrendering again. See them as little babies, helpless, hurt & vulnerable - this is why so many of us get hardened, we get hurt. (this was a technique I learned in Silva Mind Control (they teach meditative techniques) for all of us to forgive our parents.
Accept where they are in their lives. Doing this, is done in spirit, u dont have to confront them at all, just you and HP/God.
For me, I had many unresolved issues/feelings associated with certain instances... I dove deep into the past, felt it though and was able to forgive and let go of that anger. Each time I went to forgive someone, I found that I first had to forgive myself, for being human and having the resentment/pain in the first place.
Remember that anger comes after pain, so maybe finding the pain behind the anger would help you work it out.
We all do the best we can with what we have at that time. I know doing all the forgiveness work that I did, felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
hi shelley... you kinda answered your own question but stating that you only want to concentrate on your recovery and deal with your resentments to aid your recovery. that, in a nutshell, is whot detatchment is all about....learning to accept what you can and can't change and putting your needs before anyone elses. i am only new here but am learning so much from all the posts i read. however, one technique that i did learn from my therapist was particularly useful to me to "let go" of resentments. i would like to share it with you, if i may. when you first read it you will think i am totally nuts!! but believe me,,,if you can work it as intended, you will succeed. i used this technique to recover from all sorts of unhealthy relationships
1. buy a plain, helium filled balloon on a string (so it doesnt fly away!)
2. attach/glue/tie a photo of the person/thing you have resentments towards
3. go to the top of a hill somewhere private
4. staring at the photo, vocalise (or imagine you are talking to the person) your resentments towards that person.
5. when you have finished telling all your issues with them finish with this sentence......
"i cannot control you, i cannot help you if you will not help yourself, i am only responsible for my own actions so now i am letting you go!"
6. let the balloon go!!!! watch it float away taking with it all your resentments that you have given it to take with it!
it sounds absolutely nuts this technique...and yes you will feel just a little silly talking to a balloon.......but if you can focus on the photo....it really helps.
I just would like to add that I did work the Steps of the program on the old FOO anger and pain. I found that when it came to "forgiveness" I could not do that at all. My sponser suggested that I pray each day for the Anger to be lifted.
Each Time the past and the particular situations came to mind I would not entertain the anger or the issue but would say the Serenity Prayer for the anger to lift.
One day the anger was gone!! I could interact with FOO without the past being an issue One of the may miracles of this program.
I have had to do a lot of family of origin work. There are books on ACA issues that might help. In my family my role was to be the scapegoat. My elder sister's role was to be the hero and my younger sister was the clown. Like you I do not interact with my family much anymore. There is a lot of tension, projection and other issues. I no longer long for them to be anything else but distant. Personally I think its taken me a lot of grief work to get to a place of being okay with the lack of interaction.
I had many fantasies of having a different kind of relationship as an adult, none of them came about and I had to mourn those fantasies too.
I'm not sure which way I am going to handle it, but I definitely know it needs handled, for MY sanity and progress and there can be no expectations at all, other than my own letting go.
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
