The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH moved out finally Dec 31 and quite honestly, my life has been full of peace, serenity, independence, and in a word: bliss. I am sleeping, my eating is under control, I am more focused, I'm tons more productive at home, and most importantly I feel more connected to and more patient with my children. I cannot believe I was living with the stress and chaos that I was living with for the past 6 months, but really the past several years. I reflect back on that time, and I am nearly tearful with compassion for the person I was before he moved out.
I have been considering divorce for several months now, it just happened that we had a serious incident involving his drinking and he moved out as a separation. Now after nearly 3 weeks, I am convinced that divorce is the way I want to go. He does not think he is alcoholic (funny how 5 days in detox and 30 days in an IOP could substantiate anything else), only that he sometimes "drinks too much". His denial is thick and sophisticated. He has stated he has no intention of considering recovery, AA, or returning to treatment. I have tried to tolerate and live with his attempts to control his use (I won't drink around you, I'll only drink on the weekends, I won't drink and drive) and all "rules" and parameters he has established for his drinking have been broken.
I told him today in our couples counseling (second session) that I do not want to be married to him anymore. He seemed shocked, then super angry. I've had second thoughts about stating my intentions as I started feeling sorry for him, thinking I've rushed things, yet conflicted because he does not want recovery and doesn't think he is alcoholic. I cannot go back to that life of chaos, being awakened by him coming home in the middle of the night drunk, turning on the lights, and screaming at me-- waking our kids up with his screams, etc. etc. I am sure you all know what I am talking about.
I'm active in f2f meetings and have a sponsor---this is just my own "stinking thinking" at this late hour. I need to go to bed, but wanted to ask for ESH from anyone else who's gone through this. I don't want to string him along, but for some reason I am wishing I had kept my intentions and desire to end our relationship quiet.
I feel for you -- the disease sure can turn our minds upside down and inside out, can't it? Their emotions sure are infectious, so when they're upset, we start to get upset ... until we remember to detach and let them go their way. My biggest struggle is not to get sucked into that crazy-making behavior -- like, I think if he can't react healthily, then I can't react healthily. So I'd keep wanting him to understand, to acknowledge the problem, to acknowledge my pain, to quit blaming me for being "too sensitive" about his drinking, etc. etc. etc. If I let it, it still drives me crazy that he thinks I'm just making up reasons to blame him about his drinking, that he doesn't get why I couldn't take it any more. I try to remind myself that of course a crazy person (him) is going to have crazy thoughts. Then I have to remind myself to put the attention back on myself.
Don't let anything disturb your serenity. Take good care of yourself and keep coming back.
This is just my experience - not intended to be advice.
My ex AH and I were separated for 5 months before I filed for divorce. Every time I saw him during the separation, I felt like I did not want to be married to him anymore. I just couldn't be in the chaos, drama, legal trouble, financial trouble, etc. that he was causing. He was at times extremely angry, apologetic, tearful, etc., and that was so hard for me. I found myself considering staying married because I felt so guilty and bad that he was so upset. I didn't like to see him in pain. It was really really hard not to feel sorry for him or try to make him happy - but it became clear to me after a while that I could not both fix the sitution where he was happy (by staying married to him) and do what I really wanted to do for me (not be married anymore). It was hard, and I learned that for me, sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action - which was really scary because I'm so prone to making snap judgments and doing impulsive things. The long and short of it is, I stayed separated until I was sure what permanent changes I wanted to make. I am now very happy that I did because I feel peace that I completely thought through the decision.
I'm not suggesting that you do one thing or the other, just saying that I know how tough the situation is. Hang in there - the right thing for you will become clear with time.
I can totally relate to your post and the best suggestion I can give you is DETACH DETACH DETACH. His anger and bad behavior are his and his alone. I'm writing this for myself as well as for you. It is so easy to get sucked into their pain and chaos and to try to smooth things over and keep the peace, but it only costs us our own serenity and self esteem.
In my case, I wrestled with the divorce decision for a long time and finally acted on it in October. We are going through the legal process now. We finally have temporary orders in place and are slogging through the next steps.
The past couple of months without him at the same house have been peaceful. I have been able to maintain a stable environment for our child (and myself, most of the time) and this has been priceless. Have we had bumps in the road? Certainly - that's just life. But at this point there's no way I would consider any kind of reconciliation - he's still in denial, claims to be attending AA meetings, but is still drinking. Very sad.
Stick to your boundaries and continue to take care of you and your kids. You all deserve it.
Love in recovery,
bg
-- Edited by blender_girl on Wednesday 20th of January 2010 10:04:45 AM
Boy, can I relate to your post.... When I finally gathered up myself to tell my AW that I wanted a divorce, I was conflicted, because I always want everyone to like me, so in my own mind, I wanted her to be "thrilled with the idea, and thankful to me for thinking of it", lol
My reflection is simply to honor yourself, in whatever way you need to.... Asking a sick, active alcoholic, clearly in denial of his own disease - for healthy & rational input on such a decision just ain't gonna happen.... Of course he's mad - you're interrupting his disease, and wanting things to change - he, in his addiction, is trying to keep things exactly as they are....
Just my two cents...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Don't beat yourself up. You are entitled to have your own feelings regardless of his. Just because it came out once doesn't mean you have to do it. Maybe he can think on it for awhile, before your next session. Who knows? I doubt that you can predict his behavior nor should you try because it's his behavior and you can only be held accountable for your own. You are in a good situation now and need to enjoy the situation you have. Take care of what you can and let the rest go for now. You can take a break and give yourself one too. Mainly just take care of you!!!!
Asking a sick, active alcoholic, clearly in denial of his own disease - for healthy & rational input on such a decision just ain't gonna happen.... Of course he's mad - you're interrupting his disease, and wanting things to change - he, in his addiction, is trying to keep things exactly as they are....
Thanks Tom for this reminder. This is a lesson I keep getting from time to time and it's nice to be validated by someone else.
