The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sure you have heard the saying: "Don't look back."
Well, my post is about looking back.
There's looking back - in a positive way, when suddenly realising one is making headway one turns to see how far one has come.
And there's looking back - in a negative way, when one has not left the past behind because one keeps checking that it is still there or wanting something to stay the same even if it is not good to stay the same because one has NOT LET GO. (Or is frightened of letting go because anything is better than nothing.)
For a long long time I would NOT LOOK BACK at all, and that halted my recovery because I was too scared to confront the past in order to work through the pain in my quest to find recovery.
Now, I realise that by NOT confronting - or turning to look at what was behind me in the past - I was not helping myself find health; rather it was strangling me and the one thing I really did need to do was to cautiously, with help from others who had worked their way through similar situations, and courageously and carefully look at what lay behind me.
When I did this without regret, without resentment, without the need to apportion blame or defend myself I discovered an honesty that I found was so enlightening that the looking back was not a negative or fearful thing to do.
I am glad that I have found that in some circumstances it is quite the right thing to look back for NOW I see how far I have come and what I have left behind.
And the wonder of it all is that all the hurt, all the pain, all the abuse does not have a hold on me and does not matter anymore. There is no need for me to judge. There is no need for me to be defensive. There is no need for me to be ashamed.
I am who I am. I have done what I have done. I am learning still, and growing and developing a gentler spirit and a kinder and more tolerant heart. Indeed, instead of feeling unloved, or unlovable or even unlovely I see that my life is full of love and the quality of that love is remarkable for I can do so much more for others too.
In finding me I have found others and all it took was the courage to look back without fear, without anger, without all those most negative attributes people who have been so hurt often harbour. And I can recognise all these attributes in people and recognise them for the hurt that people are feeling.
What an amazing realisation and journey. I marvel at it each day.
Thank you family for listening.
God Bless Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah on Sunday 17th of January 2010 10:18:23 PM
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank You Suzannah for sharing your powerful journey and profound awareness.
This program has taken me to places I could never imagine and has lifted the pain and anger I lived with for years.
I am forever grateful for the tools of Alanon THey have so enriched my life. The Steps, Literature and Meetings have enabled me to grow into a more compassionate understanding and forgiving person.
Looking back with the tools enabled me to see my part in the dysfunction correct my actions and forgive the others involved. WOW!!
I do believe that the idea of progress not perfection and keep coming back because recovery is an ongoing thing is also what saved my life.
Thank you for confiring your recovery journey.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 17th of January 2010 10:29:02 PM
What a great post Suzannah! Thank you so much for sharing! I struggle with the same thing from time to time and for now-fear keeps me from looking back, I can't seem to go there without blame and anger and resentment, so I do go there at all. But from your share I know that it is possible and in time, His time, I'll be ready to turn around and take a peak:)
love and peace, shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
