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Hey MIP family! I need to post today about the trials of removing some of the dependence from my relationship with my AH. Hopefully some of ya'll can relate. ;)
The dependence I'm talking about is transportation. My AH doesn't drive; I do. He has many "reasons" why he doesn't, and that's fine. However, as I have been working my program and trying to untangle the codependency between us, I have realized that his relying on me to drive him everywhere is a problem. When we lived in a larger town, there was public transportation, and it wasn't a big deal. Now that we're in a small town, he is literally reliant on me to take him everywhere--to school, to work, to meetings (assuming he's going), everywhere. My old codependent self didn't give this a thought. Now, with the wisdom gained from the program, I realize that this is a problem! LOL
I have set down a boundary that I will not drive him to the store to get beer when he wants more. Of course he still asks me from time to time, and I try to respond with a kind but firm "no." Usually, he will take a cab. (That costs $$, but that's another issue. I'm splitting our finances as soon as we're able so that I'm no longer dealing with that.) The other morning, I hadn't slept well and wasn't feeling well and didn't want to take him to work. I asked him to take a cab. What does he say? "Oh, well I'm out of cash." Riiiiight. I know for a fact he has taken a cab to get beer without cash before. But whatever. I sucked it up and drove him.
Later that afternoon, however, I told him that he should look into an alternate form of transportation because I might not be able to take him wherever he needed to go all the time. We talked about it again this morning.
I've been trying VERY hard to be kind about this, and I feel that I've done pretty well. I'm not yelling or putting him down. All I've said is that I want him to be more independent. It's not about me resenting him or not wanting to drive (usually I don't care); it's about him not relying on me for this all the time. I also said that I wasn't pressuring him to do any one thing; I repeated that I didn't care what kind of alternative transportation he decided on for himself (bike, scooter, car, cabs, whatever), just that he find one. I tried to tell him that this wasn't an attack, but that I was addressing the codependency in our relationship. I think I got through, even though he was very resistant and tried at every turn to make it a "me versus him" issue. The program has taught me that I can't make him understand, but I have to at least try. I really don't want to give him any more ammunition, but I have to let him know that I am not going to be at his beck and call all the time. It's my right to sleep in when I'm sick, darn it! And, as an adult, he should be responsible for himself.
Anyway, this has been a hard boundary to set, and I'm praying that I've done this with compassion and love. Yes, I am also trying to prepare him for divorce. I'm hoping that this boundary (is that right? Is that really what I'm doing? I hope!) can help him when I'm no longer around. I also hope it helps me get used to laying down these sorts of boundaries with kindness, so that when I have to do that ultimate detachment, I can do it with love. Practice practice practice! :)
Thanks for listening. :)
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Good for you, and yes, you are working your program and quite well I might add. What you are doing is what was suggested when we came into the program. Taking care of yourself first. We never have to second guess ourself on that one. Although, isn't it funny how we "Al-Anon-ers" all have the same characteristics, we take care of ourself first, then worry if we have been selfish, and even question if we have done the right thing or not....... I've been there, done it, and "do" it. LOL
We were also told that we should never do for anyone what they can do for themself. Hence, not being his chaffeur and on call 24/7. He has to decide his priorities and if that is beer instead of money for transportation to work, then so be it, that is his choice to make. He can live with that decision without any interfrence for you. As the Courage To Change book states.......In the long run the both of you will be better off for it.
You have made the choices that are best for you, and in the long run the best for your AH. Ignore the guilt trips and keep doing what you are doing.--------Taking care of Amanda first.
More proof that....... it works if you work it. Now get up from the computer and give yourself a big pat on the back !!!
A Double HUG, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 17th of January 2010 06:25:14 PM
intothewoods, I can so relate to your post, I was like my ABF mother rathr than his girlfriend. I have taken hi to work early in the morning, pick up his children when the want to visit basicallu was a taxi service(cab). I became very resentful in the end and my resentment helped me to set the boundaries I needed to set. What I have noticed is when I do set a boundary and i am very consistent reinforcing it he changes and that is it. However if I wobble all the old problems come back. At the moment my boundary is I will only see my partner twice aweek, as I need space to allow him to recover and become the man he wants to be. I aso need to focus on my recover. As you said progress not perfection, one day at a time.
I was actually the one who was the more dependent in the relationship. I covered it up with my caretaking but when it came down to it I depended on him deeply for identity, companionship (or rather lack of), focus and more. My entire focus on him and his problems were the signs of that denial.
I can relate to what everyone else has posted here. I've done both the caretaking and depending on someone else for my identity and companionship. I still catch myself doing it - but I'm grateful that I have the tools to catch myself now. When I didn't have the tools, I didn't know why I was always so miserable.
