The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABf is still living in his mums after his slip in Nov. I have accepted that this illness is for life and that he can not promise that he will never drink again. He is in recovry so I am trying to live one day at a time and hand it all over to HP. The problem is I am taking care of me, I need to rely on me he is sick his life is a mess. I have bee practicing detaching and trying very hard to do this with love. We have deided to see each other twice a week. I told he we can not chat in between, (as I want to focus on me and mind my own business let him deal with own stuff), but do not want to totally disconnect. This boundary got broken pretty quick he was texting lovely messages, ring wanting to chat. I soon caved in I know SAY WHAT YOU MEAN< MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. So he came down wed I was still abit detached and he was so adorable. we were intimate for first time in a while. All my defences went down. Then next day all th e lovely text stopped he still rang but it felt like he knew he had my heart again. I had a big slip before rang him and told him I hate him and its over. He said he was with his son concentrating on him. Why does he real me in like this. When I run he chases when I stop the attention stops. I am sick of games I just want to love someone and be loved back, normality.
sorry for venting but I am very angrey with myself for letting him in. I know he will say he was with son but realtiy is he wants me when he thinks he is loosing me, when he is insecure. I do not want to detach to this level I need closness with him or whats the point?
-- Edited by Tracy on Friday 15th of January 2010 03:15:52 PM
(((((Tracey))))) I am so sorry you are so angry. This disease is so difficult to deal with sometimes. It seems that it knows exactly when our defenses are down and pounces right in to do as much damage as possible. It hurts a lot. One thing that helped me was to remember that we should look for progress not perfection and detaching is a good tool you are still human and can make some slip ups. You need to keep the focus on you and stick to your boundaries as best you can. It is not easy at times. I know I let my defenses down and as soon as I do all hell can break lose and I end up hurt emotionally. I remind myself to take care of myself and don't be too hard on myself either. I am pretty good at "beating" myself up when I have a slip. Worse than any AH can hurt me too. But then I have to STOP and give myself a break. Progress not perfection. Be kind to yourself too.
unfortunately Tracey being angry with ourselves is part of the healing process, one of the steps we have to take to get where we need to be. Detatchment is one of the hardest disciplines to follow when you're natural reaction is to mother them, to make them better, to fix things. We all have to learn to take care of ourselves first and sometimes that means doing exactly what you are doing now - putting some distance between our loved ones and ourselves. keep strong, keep positive and keep posting. we are all with you wishing you peace in your life. Take a look at my post "writing therapy" and teach yourself to be good to yourself first and foremost. :)
-- Edited by miss lucy on Friday 15th of January 2010 06:43:02 PM
Aloha Tracy...just an add to what you've already been given...Look up in the indexes of your literature (hope you have some) the subject of acceptance and read it all. Why? it balances things for me; accepting the facts of life and the alcoholic as an alcoholic and me as an imperfect, loving, child of God and "Progress not Perfection" and all the other tools I can get my hand on. If you don't like feeling angry feel the opposite acceptance. The consequence is soooo much more pleasant. ((((hugs))))
I'm not sure this is a game as such. I do believe alcoholics in active addiction need a fall back person. They circle around. If you read Getting them Sober, Toby Rice Drew refers to this often. It is actually quite hard to lose an alcoholic as they are very dependent. For me the issue was eventually that I spent all my time and energy on him and resented him deeply. That resentment was very poisonous for me.
I do really believe alcoholics crave attention. They will do a lot to get it, then they run, circle back and more. I have had to work long and hard to not take it personally but yet I still do from time to time.
I spent years and years and years in fusion, stuck to an alcoholic because of resentment. The more I could let go and resume my focus on my own recovery the better. I refuse to give them atteniton eventually they go find someone who will.
I know how desperately hard it is to let go of a relaitonship with an alcoholic. I spent years and years doing it. There was much that held me to him. Over time working the al anon program I managed to do it. Please don't be hard on yourself about this.
