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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Financial Protection
Post Info TOPIC: Financial Protection
Charlie


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Financial Protection
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My wife took out 5 credit cards, without my knowledge, and ran them up to the hilt in persuit of her pain killers.  She was/is buying from an "on line" pharmancy.
She had been out of work for the last 2 1/2 years, but has been back at work for around four months. 
Before I took over the finances (she had handled them for years), we had a "Turn off" notice from the power company (never a good thing in December), our property taxes were 3 months overdue,  the cell phone bill was $400 and all of the credit cards were 3 months in arrears.  The bounced check fees alone were $125 for our last bank statement. All of our other bills, except for the house payment, were overdue / unpaid.
(She had bills sent to another address and I had no idea that we were having problems.  I will never make this mistake again. )

I have been in control of the finances for 1 1/2 months now and my wife is in her 3rd week of "out patient" treatment.      Last week she stole one of my checks (they are now in my name) and forged my signature to access money/drugs.

I am doing everything possible now to manage our outstanding debt, including cutting off her money supply.
She is now accusing me of trying to control her recovery and wants "her" money, to pay "her" bills. She say's that I am treating her like a child, etc.
If I had not stepped in when I did, we would have lost our house in a tax sale and we both would have been out on the street.
I refuse to give her any control of our finances until I know for sure that she is clean and only after we get back "into the black".
For our financial life, I cannot just "turn things over".
I know of no other way of handling the situation.
Any help and/or suggestions about this are welcome.
(Sorry, I posted this in another area, but got no responses.)



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canadianguy


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Good stuff Charlie.... one thing for all of us to remember re: detachment - it isn't healthy for us to "detach" and let things hurt us financially.  I'd say you're practicing some really good self-care by taking care of the finances, rather than having your A involved with them....

Take care
Tom

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Christy


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HI Charlie,

There's a differnce between "turning it over" and self care/preservation.  What you are doing is what is necessary for you right now.  I don't see it as control. 

IMO, there are consequences to ones actions and "her money" is now paying off "her debts".   It would be very enabling for you to take care of the mess alone.

My best suggestion is to detach from the manipulative name calling and do what you need to do for you.

JADE:  Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Christy

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maire rua


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I would not see this as a situation where you need to turn the actual events over, rather the drama surrounding them, to help you proceed, with the power of your hp to do the best you can do. Unfortunately your wife is ill. You are not trying to fix and control things, you are managing these events as best as you can and its sounds like you are doing a good job. I would not engage with an argument on these fronts and I might suggest that we will discuss this later when our finances are in a better state. Turning it over does not mean ignoring your responsibilities in taking care of yourself. You take care.

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abbyal


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I agree that what your doing is a good thing, but don't forget your wife is human , she needs a little spending money of her own , when its gone == oh well . she isn't in recovery yet if she is still buying her drugs . with a bit of luck she may hear something at out patient program that will make her want to change , there is always hope
.  If your not already I hope u find either Naranon meetings for yourself or Al-Anon u need support this board is great but nothing like f2f meetings only comming here u would miss so much of what our program has to offer.
This is a disease and its progressive with some understanding of the struggle our Alcoholic addicts are having I learned that even a drunk deserved respect , continue to take care of  you and your needs . Al Anon will change your life for the  better . We have a part in this mess too , we too have to change n ot just the A .   Louise

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Debilyn


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Hi Charlie, were you here years ago?

I don't know what is making you apologise! Al Anon is not just for people who love an alcoholic. It is for people who love addicts.

Many addicts are that Poly blah blah thing. They use more than one kind of drug.

Glad you came here.

I went through this too. I got rid of the checks and only use a debit card. I am guessing you have a wallet? There are wallets that lock too.

After the last time my ex A made a huge mess, I tried to pay it back but it got too big for me. He made it so I could not have a bank account anymore!

And guess what???? He has one now in HIS name! rrrrrr

Anyway I gave up and now only use prepaid cards. Then I know for sure what I have, no one knows the pins.

Even if your A got your card it would do no good with out the pin.

I learned I had to put everything in my name. House, jeep, everything to protect me, and him for that matter.

If he got into an accident I was not liable. Also I am not responsible for any of his bills at all as long as I don't sign anything.

To me it is all about us taking care of us. We wouldn't allow things to happen if they had  brain cancer or some other brain damage, so what makes addiction damage any different? They are not sane.

I hope you keep coming back. this is the perfect place for  you! welcome,debilyn

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Rora


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I switched all the bank acct's and financial responsibility into my name several years back when I started to realize aH was spiralling us down.  He had bad credit to start with, so it was really a matter of removing him from my accts, that at one time I had added him to.  From that point, I had exA give me a certain amount of money each month for bills, the leftover $$ he kept for himself.  I didn't want to be too controlling.  I didn't want to "be his Mother".  So I never expected him to pay off extra $$$ to make up for the extra debt he acquired. 
Through my assistance over our years of marriage, we were able to reestablish his credit, as I helped him pay off his debts and I paid his regular bills on time, etc. 
Fast forward a couple years now and we are divorcing with a new boat-load of debt that he's been able to acquire in his own name, on his new established credit I helped him build.

Moral of my story for me?  Don't enable. disbelief Protect yourself.

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Charlie


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Thanks for your help, everybody.

Debilyn,
No, I have not visited before.  I am new to the forum.
You may have me mixed up with someone else who's wife "stole him blind" :).

Abbyal,

My wife is in Extensive Out Patient Treatment, although I am not convinced that she has not stopped using.  She tried to borrow money from her mother and two brothers before she found/forged and cashed my check.  Two days ago, the "on line" pharmacy called to inform her that her requested purchase (of the day before) was held up due to a credit card problem...
Any money I give to her will surely go to drugs (when it all hit the fan she showed me the morphine and methadone she was taking).  
In addition to all of the outstanding debt, we are now paying for each out patient treatment, as well as gas for her car (We were car pooling  to save money before she started treatment).    

In light of this, should I consider giving her spending money?



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abbyal


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For me its as simple as    She is a human being and Iwonder how u would feel it you had no money in your pocket to buy a coffee ???    I certainly know how I would feel .     Just my opinion . 

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Charlie


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Abbyal,

Believe me, I do know how it feels to have no money in the pocket.
There is no allowance and/or pocket money for either of us at this time.
The money coming in is paying for debt and necessities and her outpatient costs.
I believe you have to cut when you don't have the money..

I appreciate what you are saying though.

If I give her $150 a paycheck (every two weeks), she will use it for drugs, but it might give her the independence I believe she is looking for.  It would enable her to control her own recovery.  
By doing this though, I think I might be going from being "too controlling" to being an enabler. I just don't know.  Should I consider doing this?

She has threatened to leave if things don't change.
If she does, she would then have total control of her money...

-When things "hit the fan", it took me 6 weeks just to find out what credit cards she had taken out. I had to get a credit report, before I knew the true extent of the damage.  She denied time and time again that she had any more that "this" card.
"Well...., maybe I have a Chase card as well...." "Oh yeah..., didn't I tell you about the Bank of America....etc, etc." When she was faced with the truth, she claimed  she no longer had the cards and didn't know the account numbers..
I didn't even know where to send the payments and two of them were returned in the mail because the credit report listed incorrect addresses.

At any rate, if she leaves, there will be no more money for paying off her debt.
I would take care of the mortgage, utilities, my (closed) credit card, etc.










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Mattie


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How much money do you spend for incidentals? -- it must be some.  It makes sense that the two of you should have about the same amount for incidentals -- would that be $3 or $5 a day or so? -- based on what you can afford.

I don't quite understand when you say she threatens to leave unless she has "control of her money" -- is she bringing in a paycheck too?  If so, then it seems right that she should indeed have control of it, even if she's going to spend it on drugs.  Or maybe the situation was that you worked and she was at home and "her" money was a share of the money you made as household provider? 

The bottom line is that you can't end her habit by controlling the money.  The reason you need to control your own money is to protect yourself.  If she decides to leave because you won't give her money, in the current circumstances, above incidentals, then maybe she needs to leave.

This drawing of boundaries isn't easy either logistically or emotionally.  I hope you are also getting to some meetings for maximum support and clarity.  I think it's not something where you can just follow a rule; you'll need to practice it in various ways every day.  As we all practice recovery.

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Charlie


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Mattie,

We go shopping together once a week, so incidentals are purchased at that time (including her cigarettes and any other items that she wants).  We both pack our lunches for work, so not much else is needed.
My wife has had card blanche with "our" money throughout our marriage, even the last 2 1/2 years she was not working. 
Before I had to intervene in our finances, we were behind over $4,000. in back taxes, not to mention the other, enormous amount of debt that she rolled up without my knowledge. If I hadn't taken over when I did, we would have been on the street. I did this for self preservation and I did it for both of us.
By the way, when she was controlling the finances, we had more than enough money coming in to cover our bills. It was the money going out and the total mismanagement of our funds that was killing us financially. 

At this time, all  of our money is needed to get back on track. That is why I have taken over the reins now.  Yes, she is working again.  No, in light of what has taken place, I do not believe it is right for her to have control over her check.
Her check and my check are both needed to pay off our bills and get back on track.









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