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i have a hard time with this--determining what is controlling vs putting up boundaries. I often feel like people are more trying to control me than vice versa.
Like today, on a message board with one of my ex's. I have no relationship with him at all. (he dumped me--HARDCORE) Yet he constantly brings up what I do, what i HAVE done in the past, and makes statements like "you're always so '****' serious! what happened to you when you used to have an awesome sense of '****' humor?" He's always accusing me of trying to start a fight with him. Im not--he assumes everything I say is about HIM. I responded in a positive way, not trying to change HIM but just the way he always responds to me.
Or when my other ex (i only have 2) makes a photo comment that i've already told him makes me uncomfortable. (I didnt respond and i dont plan to) I put up the boundary and he repeatedly ignores it.
If I understand controlling right--to try to control someone you're basically saying you BETTER never do that again (in your life) or I'll do something to you. But putting up a boundary is saying do whatever you want in YOUR life, but when you treat me this way, when you say or do this to me, I don't like it--it hurts me and if you continue to do that there will be negative consequences to our relationship..?
I honestly don't know why I'm still in contact with either one of them. I was hurt BAD in each relationship. Cheated on, lied to, manipulated, ignored, etc. Why I don't say 'xxxx' and just leave them alone forever.. I dunno.. I guess I'd just feel like the bad guy?!
Anyway thoughts about this would be most helpful. Thanks ;heart:
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 14th of January 2010 12:46:23 PM
You don't have contact with ex ?? what do u call what u just posted here ? Boundaries are for you , u set them u keep them . If someone is abusing you you have a choice continue to react or have no contact . You decide how someone is going to treat you period. boundaries are not about getting even . Trying to tell someone u have set a boundary is like waving a red flag in front of a bull . u can bet thier going to push back . Boundaries are action , if you don't like the way your being treated or talked to , you walk away. thats it .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 14th of January 2010 02:26:09 AM
I'm going to repost something you said so you can read it again: "I responded in a positive way, not trying to change HIM but just the way he always responds to me."
You can't change someone else's responses to you. Never. You can only change YOUR responses. Trying to change their responses is trying to control.
For some people, no matter how many times or in how many different ways you try to explain yourself, they will never understand. Never. And you have no control over that.
What are boundaries? Here's what it says on dictionary.com.
boundary: (noun) 1. something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.
It's a line between you and that person, and the ONLY THINGS you can control are what happens on your side of that line. When they step over that line into your territory, then you have to step back, taking your line with you, until they're outside of it again.
It's not a tool (something that changes things), it's a fence (a barrier).
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
What little part of the program I still hold onto, I try to look at boundaries vs. control as a question of motives. What are my motives? If my motives are to protect myself, then I am setting a boundary - what I will and will not accept that protects me - whether it be emotionally, financially or physically. But if my motive is to encourage a change in another, "show them who is boss", scare them or try to get them to STOP or START doing something, then it is attempts to control and manipulate to my pleasing.
I am learning that even though accepting another person's self destructive behavior is HARD - the truth is the life and the behavior belong to them. I am uncomfortable watching someone I love do something damaging to themselves or that causes them pain and because of MY discomfort, not their own, do I TRY to change or alter what they are doing. My motives in that are a bit selfish, although not in the classic sense, but in the sense that my behavior is driven by the attempts to control others so that I can can benefit from not being uncomfortable watching them falter.
Boundaries are for me. They are in my best interest, not the other person's. It's about taking back my life and living the life I so richly deserve. It means doing what is best for me and not accepting behavior that can hurt me. If that means cutting off people who are having a negative affect on me then so be it. Boundaries must have consequences. Otherwise it's like grounding a child. Send them to their bedroom w/their TV, computer, toys etc. How do they learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not?
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Finding my way through the "F bombs", I am left with the following quote from you.
"I honestly don't know why I'm still in contact with either one of them."
Do you think perhaps things would go better if you weren't? Just askin'.
Controlling and boundaries are total opposite concepts. Very simply put, controlling is, "You had better never drink again!!" A boundary is, "If you must continue to drink, then I will have to leave." Of course, a boundary is nothing without the will to carry it out.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Thursday 14th of January 2010 11:27:42 AM
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I k now for me personally my family of origin issues sets me up to keep trying to get blood out of a stone. I grew up with reverse boundaries, my sisters and I were supposed to take care of my parents. I was responsible for my sister at high school (she didn't have any friends) and what's more I was very very "selfish".
So yes indeed when you come from that kind of a background boundary is a term that means life or death. If I had set a boundary in my family of origin I got beaten for it. Indeed one Christmas I was studying in my bedroom and not participating in whatever with my family and my elder sister came up and punched me in the face and said nothing.
So certainly I understand the draw. I also understand that it takes practice. I have to get feedback on my boundaries. I have to find other avenues for company.
I spent years and years trying to wrangle something out of my family so of course I am drawn to people who are both loving and hating. They know how Pia Melody refers to "love bomb" and "hate bomb". That was what I knew too.
In al anon we start to realize this isnt the greatest way of relating. The fact you know that shows you are on your way. The fact you are questioning your interaction means you are on your way. Rather than beat yourself up, you can experiment now with tools from al anon.
I'm starting to see and feel where I lose myself, by years of actively, purposely putting boundaries DOWN to "win" people over. Of course at the time I didn't know i was doing it. I'm starting to put boundaries UP and its intensely offending people, ex's for sure. BOTH of them tell me that they want me to be who I was when we first got together, and for me thats the LAST person on earth i CHOOSE to be. Both of them are completely under my skin but I'm sick and tired of attracting the same situations so i gotta through the discomfort. Gotta protect me first and let people be angry and frustrated with me. Gotta forgive myself for letting me be treated like dirt...
"years of actively, purposely putting boundaries DOWN to "win" people over..." When you said this I realized that this perfectly describes what I've done too. It's hard to stop because then I think "But they won't like me!" At the back of it there's an assumption that I have to give myself up to be liked -- that can't be good! (And it's even more infuriating and frustrating when I give myself up and they still complain and don't like me.)
Also, every time you make a change, people around start doing their "Change back!!" behavior. They're testing to see if they can get things back the way they were. Sometimes they act as if it's the end of the world, or as if we're committing a major crime in our new way of behaving. Anything to manipulate us back to the old behavior. Once I knew this, I was less shocked at people's initial responses. And it helped keep me from buying into their criticism.
