trying not to hope - Al-Anon Family Group

intothewoods · Veteran Member

trying not to hope

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My esh was this. I did not think about rehab, detox nothing. I got to where I detached from his disease totally. Did not matter if he used or not. He is an addict. I learned to accept and beleive that.

So like cancer, diabetes or any disease, his disease was going to do whatever it did. Just did not matter. I can do NOTHING about it anyway. I chose to stay, I chose to love him no matter what, and learned how to detach when he was a blithering addict out of it,and when he was mellow and just watching tv.

So for me, everything is ok. Even now. There is no waiting or wondering. He is who he is period.

To me it was not good, bad or anything anymore. He is an addict. Just how it is and always will be.

Even today makes it all the more easy for me to let it be what it is.

I did that thing hoping he would be in recovery again, and things would go back to how they were. Or the well he is gone now and in recovery with someone else...didn't but thought it for awhile.

Now it just does not matter what or who he is. The disease killed him, or the him I knew, and I do not like him.

Anyway this is what I learned from Al Anon.

hugs hon,debilyn What is "the witch" thing? Did you put that on there or? (o:

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Thanks, debilyn!

"The witch" was put on the picture by whoever made the icon, not me. It's from the Sondheim musical "Into The Woods," and Bernadette Peters plays the witch character. She's the Witch from all the fairy tales, but she's really just misunderstood. That seemed like a great metaphor for how I was feeling when I first came to this board. Also, I love that musical and I love Bernadette Peters and I live in the woods, so it seemed like a great fit for an icon! :D

-- Edited by intothewoods on Wednesday 13th of January 2010 11:02:03 PM

Festfan · Veteran Member

Great question and topic intothewoods! I am at that "newly detached" (or newly trying to detach) point too - last night got into a discussion with the ABF about why I don't get "mad" when others around us get drunk... I was able to talk without getting upset, but he pulled out every generic A excuse or "reasoning" in the book. It occurs to me that I shouldn't try to reason back - that it won't really make a difference. I recently found some good online articles that I thought he shoudl read - but is that even worth the effort? His mind is SO twisted when it comes to this topic - he is certain that his behaviour is NORMAL and that I am the one who is overly sensitive. He even said that he thinks that he is used to being around people who drink more that I am - so that explains our different "threshold" for what "too much" is... Not anywhere close to reality - believe me - my family and friends can party with the best of them. But they can stop - big difference...

So - thanks for the topic - would love other ESH on whether to discuss the topic at ALL with our A's...

Peace...

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Oh those "discussions" are horrible, aren't they? The As in our lives get very confused when we start to detach, but we have to keep trying for our own sanity! I got pretty good at detaching from his actual behavior or discussions like that, but it's hard to keep at it because now he want to discuss how he's "fixing the problem." He's 2x confused because it's like, "hey, this is what you wanted me to do, right?" and I'm not patting him on the back like I used to. Oh well!

I really get why it's called "practicing" detachment! It never ends. Practice, practice, practice! :D

Oh, and about discussing the topic (since you asked)? Personally, I say no. Don't. Ever. It will never go anywhere, honestly. Remember, you can't Control it, right? Trying to have a rational discussion where you convince them that they're an A is trying to control it. And you can't do that. So, for your own sanity, give up. If your ABF brings it up, just say "I'd rather not talk about it," and leave the subject or even leave the room. Stay strong! You can do it!

-- Edited by intothewoods on Thursday 14th of January 2010 02:38:29 AM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Antabuse has no side affects unless u drink while taking them , they turn a really bright red , blood pressure goes thru the roof and could be dangerous but only if they drink while taking it . Get the focus off him and on yourself and your going to be just fine .

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Hey, I was kind of proud of myself for only talking about him for a couple of sentences! LOL

Seriously, thanks abbyal. I'm trying! :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment was tonight's meeting subject...came out of the literature and I just love the
subject because when worked consistently and properly it becomes an artform and a
pleasure to be in. You get to own yourself and smile like a fox making choices about
where you want to be or go and what you want to do and how while letting the alcoholic
and everyone else have the dignity of their own consequences.   Detachment with love
is part of personal power, acceptance and responsibility to and for self.    Learn it,
work it, live it. There is only one constant attachment I need to have...HP.   Can I have
an Amen?..... smile

Love you guys.

RunnerChick · Senior Member

OMG No expectations is SOOOO hard.
I find this is someting I need to actively practice which as I said in another post for me has to do with examining my motives and sometimes I even have to ask myself the 'what if' questions and if I would be devestated if I found out he drank or used drugs again, then I am not being honest with myself about what I expect.

However, I think this is something we have to LEARN and practice. It is so hard not to expect or to have hope for our loved ones. To have absolutely NO EXPECTATIONS is to give up the dream of the way things COULD be "if only they would clean up their act". I find that the dream of hte future is what dies the hardest and hurts to let go of, because it's not something that is a reality, but that is a fantasy and that I continue to hold onto.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I can really relate to this post bc years ago b4 alanon, I would do the same thing - Id get ALL hopeful that things would change and be different, so many delusions and fantasies about how great life would be, bc of this or that change they made. I truly felt like a slave of my emotional reactions and circumstances. I also used to tell my A's everything and all that did was teach them how to manipulate me better. In program I have learned that I can have a private life and that not everyone needs or deserves to know my inner most feelings. As i learned, A's will turn my feeelings against me and use them to hurt me with later down the road. I began only sharing with other alanons.

I had to learn to stop holding my breath and waiting for someone else to move, change. My perspective needed help and all the time I was staring at them, waiting, I had no personal power and I was out of control myself.

Jerry's post here is powerful and true. Now that I do have boundaries, I gained detachment and it is a mattter of choice and turns out it feels like I won the lottery. Not being emotionally attached anymore - in that sick way that if my loved one has a bad mood - I am no longer effected by it (some days this is harder than others but I keep practising). Some days I am very effected and I have to remind myself, to focus on me, MYOB (give them their dignity to work out their own issue) and detach with love. Some days I put blinders on if I have to. If it still doesnt work, I pray and willingly offer it up to HP/god. That always works, when I surrender it.

Expectations will hurt you, always. Even the negative ones, even the ones you have over yourself. One day a few years ago, I decided to throw all of my expectations out of the window. I no longer judged what I was doing or others. I quit looking into the future and got busy and settled in right now/today. This moment is reality - tomorrow is a figment of our imaginations. I realized as long as I project (into the future) I will end up hurting myself. All it does is take me away from what I can do today to allow me to feel better and empower myself right now.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.