The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined your online al-anon message board. It surprises me that I did because I have been near al-anon before, and I didn't think I was enabler. I still am not sure that I am, but I do know that how I feel right now... Just about all of you have probably felt... My heart is breaking, most of the time I will be doing okay and I manage it, but then every once in a while I just feel like the sadness is crushing me, and I cry myself to sleep like I did last night and wake up still over whelmed. Just typing right now I have tears running down my face, and I will be okay once everyone gets up out of bed and the day starts... See I have this nineteen year old daughter, two years ago she ran away from home... Which technically isn't running away in our state, don't ask me why... I certainly don't understand it... 17 seems awfully immature to view as an adult. She moved to another state four hours away. I called police in this state and the state she moved to, my attorney, her school, principals, counselors. I talked to anyone who might be able to help me bring her back, she didn't come back.
Before she left she was light into drugs, or so I thought, now I am not so sure how deep into them she was. She had been grounded and I was working on trying to get her help after we found out she was taking prescription seroquel. Once she was moved away she dipped deeper into drugs, dropped out of school, became pregnant, and gave birth to my grandson almost a year ago on March 16, 2008. I went up there
for the delivery and to stay with her for a week, and for that week it was like I had her back again. I didn't want to leave her and my grandson there and go home, but I have an eight year old son and husband who also needed me so I had to leave, and I know it was the right thing to do... It was really hard. Then she slipped away again... Wouldn't pick up my phone calls, wouldn't call me, or anyone else like my parents her grandparents, or my sister.
Then a few days before labor day weekend 2009, she called and told me she needed help. The babies father was physically abusing her, he held her hostage for a week in their apartment with the baby. So we went down to get her. She made a police report, they took pictures of her bruises. Turned out that it wasn't the first time he had gotten this abusive... My daughter had one charge of child neglect. There was a night he was beating her, and to scare her he held my grandson over the banister of the staircase and told her he was going to drop him. She didn't leave him, but the incident was reported to the police, child services got involved then, we were having some problems taking my grandson to another state with an open case there. My daughters older half sister is an investigator for child/family services in our state... So I contacted her. She guided me through all the red tape to get them to turn the case over to the state we live in so I could bring them both home.
I did bring them home or kind of home. I didn't want to bring my daughter back into my house, for a number of reasons. For one I didn't want her to fall back into the old group she hung out with. Another reason was before Maggie ran away, she was turning our home upside down, with her tantrums, and disrespect, lying, drugs etc. etc. etc. Although I missed her while she was gone, my home was peaceful. It wasn't fair to my son, husband or myself to move her back in. Plus her half sister was willing to take them both in, she could start on a fresh slate. It wasn't until a couple weeks later that we found out about all the drug usage my daughter was involved with, mainly meth amphetamine, they were cooking it.
She stayed with her half sister whom lives with in a few minutes from me for two months at best. She began GED classes, was going to abuse consoling, out patient drug rehab... Then all the sudden she began acting up, she brought my grandson around his father which went against the main recommendation from state family services, which was to keep my grandson away from his father at all costs, until he meets state requirements for supervised visitation. She and my grandsons father were planning on taking off together. So her older sister and I did an emergency co-guardianship putting us in charge of my grandsons welfare. My daughter got another account of child neglect for bringing the baby around the father.
Today, my grandson lives with my daughters older sister, and I have him three days a week or more depending on what is going on, the co guardianship is still in place. When she began to repeatedly mess up big, lying again, drug usage, disappearing a few days at a time, getting back involved with the babies father at this point the older sister, and myself agreed to get tough and cut her loose. Not completely loose though. We kicked her out of the sisters home without her baby (my grandson), but at the same time I put her up in a motel for a week. Meanwhile we made arrangements for her to get her own apartment with in walking distance of her son. The idea was to get her to want it for herself, and act on her own accord. We gave her the number to call to set her up in the apartment. All she had to do was call... She never did. That was in October, by November she was back living with the babies father.
She would call to ask how my grandson was doing... She said she wasn't using but common sense told us otherwise. This December I decided to have a holiday party, for her, the babies father, my family, and the babies fathers family. It was kind of my Christmas present to her, she had three hours with her son, opening Christmas presents, playing with him, feeding him. When I saw her she had dropped at least 20 pounds and had a few soars on her face, which is indicative to meth use. I didn't want to let her leave, but she wasn't even herself, very cold and distant... I hugged her so hard, and I felt nothing coming back from her.
Last Monday we had a court date... My daughter and the babies father were there challenging the guardianship. The judge ordered them to do a urine drop and a hair follicle right then and there... They admitted at that point that they were dirty. Even still the judge made it a court order that they leave the court house go across the street and be tested before they head back home, there was a continuance. I knew before they admitted they were dirty that the were, she was even thinner, there were more soars on her face, her eyes were bloodshot, she seemed on edge, and yet when it was confirmed I still felt like my whole world was crushing in on me, it was everything I had to keep from dropping to my knees. I guess it kind of felt like what a woman/man who's husband/wife is cheating on her/him felt. She/he knows they are cheating but until it gets confirmed it seems surreal.
She is gone again... I went home after court and engrossed myself in my grandson to redirect my feelings. Yesterday my daughter called to ask about him. I told her how he takes one step, wobbles and falls to his diapered bottom, how he can play patty cake now, and say ba ba... I let her talk to him over the phone, I didn't want the phone call to end. I wanted to hold her there with me. I noticed when she was in court she was wearing an engagement ring. She told me how she was getting married, and about the little church she wants to get married in... She told me that they were going to wait until she, and the babies father were well and Liam was old enough to walk down the isle and hold the pillow that carried the wedding rings. Of course I don't want her to marry this schmuck, but just for those few minutes I pretended he was someone who loved her and cherished her like I do. I acted excited for her, and asked if I was invited, and she told me of course, and that I was going to be her maid of honor, and we laughed together, and just for a moment she was with me again, even if it was make believe... She told me she loved me so much... I told her the same thing back. This time we didn't argue and she didn't scream "Why are you trying to take my baby away?" and blame everything on everyone else rather then take responsibility for herself, her actions, and her drug addiction.
I hung up the phone and cried because I am so desperate that I would role play with her everything was okay just to have her back for just a few minutes. I cried at what might happen to her, and thought what if I had stayed there with her right after my grandson was born, instead of going home. Then like always I shaped up and put on a mask so that my husband and son didn't see me so upset. When they were went to bed... I cried, all night, and here I am now typing this insipidly long al-anon post, still crying. My family here will be up soon and I will put the mask on again, and manage... likely for days, I can successfully redirect my thoughts for days/ weeks most of the time... Then something will trigger a memory or a thought of her and I feel like I am drowning, and I will have another all night like tonight.
(((Regina))) I was so touched when I read your post. The A in my life is also my adult child. It is so hard to keep the focus on yourself when they are in such a horrible place. I feel so grateful that you have your grandchild with you. They have to be protected at any cost. Hang in there and if you can get to some face to face meetings that would help you greatly.
I am so touched by your story because I am the mother of an addicted son, I know the toll this takes on your physical well being and your soul and spirit. You are doing all that you humanly can, being a voice and advocate for you little grandson is a must for this little fellow that can't speak for himself.
I have had to learn so many lessons during these years of trying to protect my son from what I could see coming for him (he has been jailed, robbed and beaten, his life has been threatend). I thought I could bring him back to sanity and back to the family that loves him, but I don't have that kind of power. When I understood that I have slowly and very, very painfully had to let go & let God.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, you must take care of yourself and your family at home, I also have another son at home and my husband. I was putting more into my addicted son that I was into them, I had to stop that.
This is a great place with lots of information and people that understand your situation, please come back and talk with us and if you can find an Alanon meeting in your area, please go and met with people on a face to face bases so that you can get strength for what you are going through.
Oh (((Regina))), What a tough situation you are dealing with. But the thing is, you ARE dealing with it no matter how hard it is. I don't have children so I have no experience to share on that subject. But I know how difficult it is to put boundaries in place and let our loved ones make mistakes and suffer their consequences. It seems as though you are able to do that, good for you! I'm glad you found this place, it can be a great help and a comfort. Please keep coming back.
Thanks everyone for the heartfelt responses, they are well appreciated and more then welcome. I needed to express what was going on with me to people I knew understood. It is hard for others who do not have someone they greatly love sick, with a drug or alcohol addiction. I have friends who try to understand and offer advice but their view is eschewed by their opinion of a addiction defining my daughter as a derelict individual, not a sick individual, at least to some extent. More times then not I don't talk about it at all if I can help it, unless someone asks and then I tread softly, so I never really get an emotional release until I just allow myself to let it go, and it does take a toll on my spirit. The week before this recent court date I was a mess, only no one knew it. That was until I had a tantrum with my vacuum cleaner because it broke while I was not yet through my vacuuming. I wound up slamming the blasted thing into the floor a piece broke off flew across the room and ruined the screen to our LCD TV. My husband was like, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't have an answer for him, but I knew it was because I have no outlet for what is really eating me up. Don't get me wrong it isn't like I couldn't talk to my husband about it, but it makes him mad, I get sad, he gets angry, not at me, but at her. I posted on this message board because it is the closest thing to a meeting I can get to right now, otherwise I would have gone to a face to face meeting. Again I very much appreciate the feedback and the other posts here it helped today.
