The material presented
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I am told to PRACTICE powerlessness. Practice Step one. How? In my mind I seem to resist this surrender. I feel if I do this than there is no way my exabf will want me back. Ibelieve that my struggling and fighting and trying to maintain some sort of control - somehow prevents pain?
I am learning that powerlessness means that I have to give up the illusion of control and admit that nothing I say or do will make any difference in the way someone feels about me. I get confused about the limits of this. Does this mean keeping a HANDS OFF approach, going about my business and taking care of me?
I never realized how much control I thought I had. How I'm trying to give it up OR at least get to a point where I can accept that I only have control over me. I just can't seem to "GET" it.
For me, step One is all about the latter - taking care of me, and knowing that my only responsibility is for me (and my dependants). I recall a situation where I was in with a counsellor, bawling my eyes out - my life seemed to be in complete chaos, my wife was drinking uncontrollably, I had my kids in daycare for their safety, and everything seemed very overwhelming.... Through all my tears, my counselor asked me: "so, do you STILL think you can control your wife's drinking?", to which I muttered "yes", and he replied, with a bit of a smirk: "and how's that working for you so far??"
I think, in a practical sense, step One reminds me that I cannot "make or cause" anybody to like/love me, much like I cannot "cause" anyone their drunkeness OR their sobriety.... Early on, I felt that step One seemed like a weakness, but it took awhile - but I learned it is actually very empowering..... Just think - if I don't have control over their drinking and/or their actions, then I can no longer hold myself responsible for them!!!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yeah.. i have to practice this one everyday, 1st step out of bed...I too struggled with the idea of Powerlessness, and like Canadianguy at first it was a weakness in my eyes, but the more I embrace it, the More Open I become to it, the more Free I feel about were I am and were I want to head too..
Once I began this process of excepting only what I am powerless over (which is Alot:) It was kinda nice to take off the many layers of everyone elses "business" with it... Knowing that I don't have to accept to be Used, or Abused by the acts of someone else... I was aloud to say, "Sorry Out of my Control"...
I work the 1st three steps every mornin as I start my day, currently i am scratching the walls again on the 4th step, and i'm having a time with it, but i do know, once I Accept I can the rest HP will handle...
Your Doing Great... Keep up the Good Work, and remember ;) "This too Shall Pass" Your Get'n it, Nice Share...
Aloha RC...boy is that a page out of my journey here and in the program. A very first piece of practice on step 1 for me was to say "No" to myself when I felt the compulsion to step in and exert my presence in the alcoholic's life problem and also in the lives of others. Along with the "No" I learned to think and say, "I don't know how" and "ask someone else." I was told by the elders in recovery that if I changed my behaviors my thinking would then change not the other way around. They were right of course because they had learned it before me. "I cannot think my way into new behaviors, I have to behave my way into new thinking." Rocket science at that time but after a few Ahas!! I found the truth in it.
Our program last night was on powerlessness. There was lots of discussion and opinions on the subject. But it would always come back to the fact that we only have power over ourself.
Can I make my A slow down or stop drinking? Can I make her do what I know is best for her? Can I make her eat right? Can I make anyone else do what "I" want them to do? -----------Can I change the weather?---------- I can come up with a thousand more questions, and the answers will all be the same-------NO.
The question is not, do I have power over someone else? In my heart of hearts I know that I do not. So what is the answer?---------- It has to be "Acceptance".-------- I have to "accept" that I am powerless over alochol or anything else in my life. ----And that for me is sometimes hard to "accept".
That is where my program comes in ---------- It keeps reminding me to practice, practice, practice, and only work on the one thing I can change------me !!
I am definitely coming back to Step One as well. Thank you for this.
It's so hard because you can intellectually understand something. I KNOW that I don't have control over my AH's drinking, BUT.... maybe if I said this.... if only he'd understand what this is doing to our relationship, blah blah blah....
I have to be diligent about the sneaky ways I try to regain the illusion of control. Stop and say "NO". It's especially hard when they try to hand control back over to you. That's happened several times! Again, stop, deep breath, "NO." For my sanity, NO!
I'm focusing on what I CAN control, and putting my over-active brain to task working out plans for MY life, MY happiness, and that way I can distract myself from the futile quest of controlling him. I'm new to this, so it's hard, but that's the only way it works for me.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Hi RC.....Im with Tom....step one for me was empowering, it enabled me to let go of fighting anothers battle for them, let go of fixing their disasters, let go of that soft cushion I kept plumped up under their butt. But I only came to this step after my own physical and emotional collapse....I crawled into recovery and the drinker carried on drinking. Letting go and admitting powerlessness was a relief to me even though this took me into a stage of grieving, but I was willing (being the operative word) to keep coming back and this family here and my f2f group supported me and still do. We cant do it alone.
You said.... I feel if I do this than there is no way my exabf will want me back.....and admit that nothing I say or do will make any difference in the way someone feels about me.
Well, for me, Ive been happy to adopt the Al-anon philosophy of what another thinks of me is none of my business . I have made amends to myself and I know the alcoholic in my life, who is my adult son, sees Im different and respects this.....he might not like it.....but I know he respects it.
Jerry has nailed it for me in saying "I cannot think my way into new behaviors, I have to behave my way into new thinking." Good one!
Ive been following your posts and I hope you keep coming back to share your ES&H.
Thanks for all your GREAT replies. GGRRRRR I can't seem to "GET" this thing called 'accepting powerlessness'. I feel like if I am holding onto something I'm actually preventing something else from happening? If that makes sense.
I also think that this idea of WILLINGNESS is also key. Being willing, means I am afraid, terrified, scared, but I do it anyway. I am very afraid to let go. If I let go of others, it means they won't like me? Won't love me? Will leave me? There is A TON of fear behind this and I guess it's worth exploring with a program friend since at the current moment, my mind is not a safe place to linger. Alot of toxicity mulling around in there. I know I can replace it with healthy "stuff" through the program and applying the principles and filling my life with program stuff all around.
This was in the subject line rc...I have to remind myself that I am just practicing...it takes a while until we can find the things that give us the biggest relief. So I am off to practice. You are in my thoughts. It will only get better from here...If I practice.
I was at a meeting a visitor came. He gave me a pepple and on he had written turn it over, and when you did, the word turn it over were there. I found this very helpful and it helped me come to terms with my powerlessness which I constantly fight against. This causes me immense grief though I am somewhat improving. There is a freedom in that powerlessness that is empowering because it is realistic. It is not realistic to think that we are no powerless.
* I feel as if I am hanging onto somthing I am actually preventing something from happening ** You said a mouth full there . The more we hang on and try to control what the alcoholic is doing the more our lives become unmanagable . We lie for them , we make excuses for thier behavior , we cover up thier mistakes , we accept unexceptable behavior over and over again ,the more we rescue by hanging on we are preventing them from hitting thier bottom and actually helping them to drink . Every time we rescue we loose a little more of ourselves til there is nothing left for us . with o ut them to make us feel ok * which is an illusion to me * we are miserable and that is sad . In this program I have discoverd that with or wiht out them I will be okay .
I guess that the illusion of control has also provided me with an illusion of protection. If I am trying to control then I am hedging being hurt or abandon. As you've all so kindly pointed out - this is MY disease and the MAIN function of the illusion of control at it's best!!
There is some connection in my mind between being vulnerable, unprotected and this control that I somehow believe wards off certain things. In surrendering, accepting powerlessness, there is alot of FEAR there. Fear of the unknown and of vulnerability, of being exposed.
For me Step 1 has become empowering and freeing. I often use Step 1 and substitute alcohol for whatever is driving me crazy at the moment. Lots of time it has to do with work. But it all comes down to the same basic idea: I can't control people and what they do. The only thing I CAN control is how I react to the situation. I can either let it drive me crazy and into chaotic self-destructive behavior. Or I can accept the situation and detach from it. Let Go. Let God. That is a much more positive healing behavior. I feel the serenity come over me. Great question. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The more I accept and understand my powerelssness over others, the power and control over myself grows. It has been very liberating to get the focus on me bc in the past, I was a mad woman, completely out of control and desperately trying to control others. Well, it was not effective and the other people didnt apprecaite me butting in to their lives, especially when mine was a train wreck.
Now that I accept that all I can change or control is me, I have found that I do have a LOT of control over me and it is an incredible Blessing. I also dont resent myself when I make changes - unlike the other people in my family that did resent me for the manipulation.
I got to the point where I realized, in program, if I wanted things in life, it was up to me to give them to myself. If I want love, I love myself first. If I want understanding & forgiveness, I forgive and understand myself first. In this process I have become much healthier and am in a healthy relationship today - it is a lot of work and takes practising the program on my part, daily but it is working. Of course we have bad days and dont communicate well but then that is all it takes to start a dialogue about the issue and start opening up.
You have to first have a good relationship with you. Take ur time, it is a process and keep practising. Progress not perfection & easy does it. Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I love those two words together, PRACTICING powerlessness. For me I have to undo a LIFETIME of dysfunction, so one day practicing powerlessness is just getting ready to say no, sometimes I *can* say no, some days its going somewhere or not going somewhere.. deciding to make different choices and opening up to new possibilities. My biggest issue is being direct, in an honest and loving way. Like my "main" A, who always wants to go shopping every day she doesn't have to work, and she wants me to come. It's a internal war for me because I don't feel like she really enjoys my company, im her only friend (who is around her constantly) and its like I'm supporting a bad habit. I can say no but to step up to another level.. I don't know how to do that.. I know I can't stop her from what she's going to do so I don't even bother trying anymore.. I don't know if thats good or not.. but I like that.. it really is a process like an onion and it goes through different stages.. thanks runnerchick for sharing
For me step one is about accepting the situation and not railing against it. Then to have the willingness to change. I can't move on issues till I accept them. Of course I absolutely did not want to accept them at all. I wanted it my way but I know where that got me. So I accepted the ex A as an alcoholic and then I began to use the tools to make my life much much better.
My wife took out 5 credit cards, without my knowledge, and ran them up to the hilt in persuit of her "medicine". She was buying from an "on line" pharmancy. She had been out of work for the last 2 1/2 years, but has been back at work for around four months. Before I took over the finances (she had handled this years), we had a "Turn off" notice from the power company (never a good thing in December), our property taxes were 3 months overdue, the cell phone bill was $400 and all of the credit cards were 3 months in arrears. There were many other bills that had gone unpaid. (She had bills sent to another address and I had no idea that we were having problems. I will never make this mistake again. )
I have been in control of the finances for 1 1/2 month now and my wife is in her 3rd week of "out patient" treatment. Last week she stole one of my checks (they are now in my name) and forged my signature to access money/drugs.
I am doing everything possible now to manage our outstanding debt, including cutting off her money supply. She is now accusing me of trying to control her recovery and wants "her" money, to pay "her" bills. If I had not stepped in when I did, we would have lost our house and we both would have been out on the street. I refuse to give her any control of our finances until I know for sure that she is clean and only after we get back "into the black". For our financial life, I cannot just "turn things over". I know of no other way of handling the situation.
