The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started dating this wonderful man 12 days after divorcing my husband. (sign #1) He seemed to be the answer to prayer and met my every need. (sign #2) Bought me things and spoiled me lavishly (wanted to buy me a horse for Christmas). Started talking about marriage after dating 4 months (sign # 3) Had a mental health disorder (history of depression), but so did I- so didn't pay much attention to this one, until I remembered the old adage two sick people do not make one healthy one. (sign #4) Didn't have the balls to stand up to me when I didn't treat him right. He was very passive. (sign #5) Drank every time we went out for dinner (sign of a possible drinking problem?), don't know. Family history of no communication. (sign #6) Never had suffered poverty, had no idea what is was to do without. Thought money was the answer to everything and tried to buy me with that money (big sign #7) When asked to leave yesterday, he just laid down on the couch and didn't leave initially. (Sign #8) When I finally broke up with him this weekend he threatened to go into mental hospital again, said he "couldn't take this". (i.e. it was a threat, he didn't go) Sign #9 Didn't leave town (stayed at motel) and called and texted me numerous times after breakup, not accepting my request. (Sign #10)
I've been married and divorced several times, most alcoholic relationships. I'm starting to see a pattern and thought I'd share that here. Most usually there are warning signs in a relationship if things aren't going to work out right. I can either chose to heed those warnings from my HP or I can choose to ignore them and suffer the consequences.
Thanks for letting me share. It helped me to get these signs down in black and white.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Well as someone who has always rushed in I don't know that I ever stopped to see any signs. I know the reasons why I rushed in loneliness and fear and poverty too.
I know for me recently just seeing the signs in a co worker was a revelation. I also know that enmeshment is very hard to get out of. Some of my neighbors are alcholic addicts, they scapegoat, blame and act out all the time. Somedays it takes all my energy to hold the boundary. I know for sure that anyone who is enmeshed do not respond well to boundaries.
One thing I have done is when someone texts me demanding something I text back do not text me anymore twice and after that I immediately delete their messages. Needless to say I found that very very hard to do but when I did it the cycle of arguing, trying to get my point across and feeling resentful was much more manageable.
That's a growth share...Great inventory work and the follow thru brings up that part of the Serenity Prayer..."the Courage to Change the things I can". I can hear an early sponsors voice in my memory ear when we use to talk about having these recovery awarenesses..."Now what?" he would ask. Progress always ask that question for me.
Grateful....Mahalo OC. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Have you thought some of the things he does are his way of showing his love for you. 1.you say hes a wonderful man 2tries to meet your every need 3spoiled you with gifts 4. says that he would be willing to marry you 5 does he love you 6. was there a reason he wanted to buy you the horse,is that one of your passions 7. sounds like he is a very giving person I'm guessing there a lot of women who would feel honored to have a man treat her that way.
Some of the problems you see.
1.He drinks with meals does he do it a lot,do you have a drink along with him does he ever show signs that he has a drinking problem,and first and foremost have you discussed this with him. 2.Family communication.Does he love his family do they love him have you met them are they good people.Have they disowned him.Are his communications lines still open with them. 3.Standing up to you. Is that something he must do has he ever tried and how did you react. Would you rather have him verbally attack you put you down make you feel bad about yourself.Has he ever raised a hand to you would he ever.Do you think he has a fear of hurting you does he know something about your past that would make him so passive. 4.Making him leave.Did you have a good reason for making him want to leave did he call you a name did he get in a big arguement was he mad at you.Did you try to sit down and explain to him why you wanted him to leave.Was there some reason that he thought you really didnt mean it. 5.His reaction to leaving was he stressed out maybe saying and implying things out of context.Did he ever explain why he stayed in a motel near you did he drive back to your house and bug you.Did he call and text you hatefully or just trying to reach out.Do each of you understand each others mental problems.
Sounds to me like this guy shows his love to you by trying to make you happy maybe he over does it and you should tell him about it.Just wondered if you have discussed these issues with him and if so is he willing to work on them.Can you communicate good with him.Good luck.
