mad at myself for being angry with him - Al-Anon Family Group

Holly09 · Veteran Member

mad at myself for being angry with him

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Holly,
I hate this disease too!!
I have just wrote a new post about how my anger at this disease has just really gotten hold of me. I love my partner so much and I know he is sick but sometimes I just get carried away.
To get over my anger the best thing that works for me is to tell myself that he carnt help it if he had cacer and was sick all over me i would understand. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior it sound s to me like you are working your programme wll better than I have been of late. My anger has just crippled me I hope that you can manage to let your go and enjoy your beautiful children

thanks for the share

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Angry with yourself because you are angry with him? Whoa!! Just a minute!!! We are not perfect, nor do we aspire to be. It is against no rule of AlAnon to be angry at him. We are human after all. You expected to discover the scene you saw. Do you have boundaries in place? If so you may hold some righteous indignation seeing them fall...not only at him but at yourself. I believe we all have a right to be angry at our As once in a while. Sometimes letting go of all anger, all the time, is easier said than done.

As an aside, it is dangerous to allow him to drive your car, because as the registered owner of the car, you can and probably would be responsible for any property damage he might cause. And God forbid he injure someone...or worse...in your car. These are simply a couple other reasons besides gas mileage to insist he take his own car.

Remember...progress, not perfection.

My very best wishes to you and yours for a happy, healthy, and safe 2010,

Diva

Holly09 · Veteran Member

I really needed to hear how human I really am, I am so accustomed to taking care of everyone and everything I forget it's OK that I can't be everyone's keeper or do it all! The rule for my car is that if I know he is going somewhere he will be drinking he has to take his own vehicle. Lucky for me he doesn't drink or stop to drink when he works. I guess I'm just sick of being angry at his behavior knowing at the same time I can't change it. So I will keep on trying make changes for me. Holly.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It seems to be that anger is normal -- someone who reacted to their partner coming home drunk to the gills by just saying "la-di-da" would be pretty unusual and hard, wouldn't they? I think it's what we tell ourselves in the anger the matters. "How could he do this, I can't believe it, he should have stopped himself! I'll make him stop, the ^%$#!" -- that's unrealistic. But it sounds as if you were pretty realistic about what's going to happen. So the kind of anger that says, "It's happened again, I'm seeing it again and it's just as hard to live with as always, I hate this fear of what's going to happen and whether he's going to hurt someone, I hate seeing him like this, I hate taking care of the family while he's off absorbed in himself" -- that's useful information for you on what to expect and how you feel. We have to be realistic about what alcoholism is like, but we never have to like it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Holly for me this works with everyone. What they do is not my business. I detach from their behavior. I got to where I just do not care . ex AH is in prison. I am not mad at all.

His problem,not mine. When he was here and so dope sick, not my thing.

I finally have gotten where I let my dogs outside to play etc. I KNOW They will be muddy, I wipe their feet the best I can. of course they still make prints. It used to really upset me.

I have learned now to just get out the mop and mop again. no big deal. They mean enough to me to just take care of it.

The A was going to do whatever he does. IF we cannot detach, we make a boundary. ex. If you choose to drink, my boundary is you do not drive home, just plan to sleep on a couch there or bring a sleeping bag.I don't want the kids and I to see it smell it or hear it.

Maybe decide you and he want a healthy home for the kids. A sick kid does not need the stress of a drunk and or sick father.

This is my esh talking. He is not going to "get" he could kill someone driving like that. Possibly you could offer to take him and drop him off?

When it comes to drunk driving, I will step in. I refuse to be a part of them killing babies etc.

Anyway so good to see you here. love your avatar. love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Holly...thanks for the perspective on an old lesson that still works for me.
"An expectation is a future resentment" (all the time for me) and a/the solution
"The opposite of anger is acceptance" you choose and the outcomes are different.

Those two really work for me as long as my "chooser" isn't clogged with ego and
pride. When it is I'll do the resentment and anger every time...every time. Also
"the opposite of resentment is forgiveness". Arrrrgh is that another pound of
flesh or is that the easy way out for peace of mind and serenity of spirit? I was
a past master at resentment, anger and expectations and now I don't know where
the trophy and crown is...just don't care anymore.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Every time I go to forgive someone else for something, I first have to forgive myself for having the resentment and being angry in the first place - forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for having expectations (postive or negative ones) and work to not have any. Focusing on ur expectations, all it does it set you up to be hurt later but in the meant time, while ur focusing on the expectation, u are being taken away from anything postiive u can do to empower yourself and your life - learn to focus on YOU and release expectations, living in the moment and it will improve greatly.

Remember that while u are focusing on ur AH's beahvior ur losing yourself and feeding the disease. Conversely, u can combat this disease by focusing on YOU, the only one u can control or change.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I sometimes can let go of things very very quickly. Other times there is a lot of resentment there and I have to explore it. I don't always know what I will be able to let go of very very quickly.

I don't have expectations of myself that I won't feel anger anymore. I have expectations when I do that I will manage it.

Sounds to me like you managed the anger and took care of yourself in a very difficult situation good for you.

Maresie.

mac57 · Veteran Member

You know, I don't think his DUI is going to be any less severe when it happens in his own car and not yours, but I know thats not what your post was about. It just reminds me how much I looked the other way at things that were so obviously red flags. I had to start somewhere, with boundaries, until eventually it came to me that the boundaries were really for me, because they acted as little stepping stones which led me to the path to find the courage and the vocabulary to finally say: "I have a problem with your problem, and so do our children."
There are no guarantees, but in my case the elephant in the room wasn't invisible anymore, or ever again, and recovery has been unfolding. I take no credit for my wife's tremendous efforts in recovery. That miracle was in her own participation with it. It was my recovery that was manifesting, in order for me to admit I was part of my problem, and then ascend my problem to the point where I was ready to articulate that to her. It's a process.

It's human to feel anger. When we can practice remembering that our emotions are like ships that cannot remain unless we give them a safe harbor, healing can take place. When we can release ourselves ffrom being angry rather than dwell on our anger and then our disappointment for having been angry, healing can take place. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not an absolution of another's actions. "GIVE" up, all heavy negative thoughts and feelings when they arise, "FOR" thoughts and feelings that will make us feel whole, and healing will take place.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.