The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good evening family...Came to the board to read and gain perspective and direction for tomorrow morning's Super Saturday meeting and I've found the topic. It is working Powerlessness or How I work Powerlessness. Let me leave that topic open to the board especially the old timers who have worked it long and from different angles and greater experience but to all none the less. How do you work your powerlessness behaviors, thoughts, feelings, perspectives etc etc. I'll check back later and see what's in the pot.
Well I don't work my powerlessness very well at times but I have been really practicing it lately.
The other day my HP sent me a little humor and to just let me know He was in control. I was beginning to have obsessive thoughts about my son one morning riding in the car. I asked HP to please take these thoughts from me. I said..."HP, you are the only one that can control what my son is going to do and You are the only one that can put thoughts in his head. I am powerless". I then let it go...Thank You, HP!
When I returned to work my cell phone rang and it was my son. He said "Hey mom, I just got a message from God". It was regarding a job that I don't think anything will come of but it sure did let me know He was listening and He wanted me to know loud and clear that He was in control.
WOW!!! Powerlessness made me feel so comfortable that morning.
I'll be interested in seeing the replies because this is one that is real difficult for me. I've always had a bit of control freak in me and in my years of managing a restaurant I had to find solutions to a dozen different problems each day. So when faced with something I see as a problem my first thought is always ¨How can I fix this?¨. I start my day by coming here, and reading my notebook, and with prayer, including the serenity prayer. In fact, I find myself repeating that several times a day. So I' don't have much to offer on the subject but I hope I can pick up some new tools and tips here that might help me out.
Here's what I've been doing lately that helps me, in no particular order of preference:
Reading all of the pages listed in the index of my daily readers on Powerlessness.
Writing down what I'm obsessing over and putting it in my HP box - it doesn't have to be related to my A - in fact the last thing I put in there was turning over my fear of coming down with the stomach virus that my 9yo had earlier this week! So far, so good. I'm no longer freaking myself out over it (I HATE those kinds of bugs...)
Saying the Serenity Prayer.
Making a gratitude list - if I'm really ambitious I do it alphabetically. This forces me to focus on what things I'm grateful for that start with the letter rather than obsessing over something over which I have no control. By the way, I learned this trick HERE on MIP
Writing in my journal and/or posting what's bugging me here. Main thing is to get it OUT of my head.
Calling my sponsor or a program friend.
Hope this is useful to someone. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Jerry, This isn't how I handle it. It's how I am confused. I am powerless over another person's behavior. Okay. But then I teach others how to treat me. I have a real problem with that, because I have been treated in ways that I could never have dreamed up in two lifetimes. I was reading back in my notebook yesterday, about all this and what I came up with was: I have to be ready to leave. Things are better now, and I'm not expecting anything to happen that will put me on the line, but one never knows, do one?
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
My answer is "Roll with it and be grateful". I know there is nothing I can do beyond that, and fighting it or whining about it never served me well.
Last summer was pretty rough. I started by caring for my 5 yr. old Grandson for 3 wks while my daughter was working out of the country. That was a complete change of lifestyle for me, taking him to and from daycare, making his dinner, doing homework, bathing, entertaining etc. It had been a while ..lol
Then I flew to AZ to say my last goodbye to my dear Uncle. Drove to MI to help my Dad care for my Mom for a week, back to AZ for Uncle's funeral, back to MI for Mom's brain surgery. Then off to Alaska for a week to catch a break, only it was cold and rained every day (what luck!). It was an exhausting summer but I was forced to take it one day at a time. Had I not, many things would have overlapped and piled up on my brain.
I could have focused on the loss of my fav Uncle or the fear of losing my Mom in brain surgery (which crept in now and then), but I chose to be grateful I could say goodbye to my Uncle in person and grateful I could see my Mom before her surgery. I'm still mad it rained everyday in Alaska..lol
Living in loss and in fear keeps me from moving forward and creates useless baggage. What "is, "is"..I choose to roll with it. I'm powerless.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Saturday 9th of January 2010 04:42:34 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me "powerlessness" before this program and many times with this program was and is hard to accept. "Accept" being the key word. Wanting to "control" a situation so I could "fix it" my way, because my way was the best way !!
After a time in the program I realized I needed "acceptance" that I was "powerless" . I then had "accept" that I had no "control" ( which is only trying to exert your power) over anyone but myself. In the not to distant pass if I did not do everything in my "power" change a situation I was confroned with it would have been like I was giving up, or had failed at a task. I did not want to be considered a quitter. I did not see the "controler" in me, and I surely would not admit I was "powerless" over it. We Al-Anoner's as a group consider ourselves the best of the "fixers" and "controllers". I was one of the best!!
At our f2f meeting this past Tuesday night the program was on "powerlessness". Someone shared that when you are in a conversation with your A, or anyone else for that matter, if you catch yourself asking the same question or making the same statement to them over and over you are really trying to exert your control over them. How many times have I done that? What I am really saying to them is that my way is the best way, so I will say it one more time to make sure you understand.
Another learning moment! RLC, you are "powerless" over everyone but yourself, and when you think about that RLC, you have to "accept" that you have much more un-learning to do. It was just reminder that I need to continue to work on myself first.
For me "acceptance', as hard as it is to swallow sometimes, is key in my on going battle over "powerlessness".
Al-Anon is such a simple program-----------To be so "dang" hard. LOL. ----------Practice, Practice, Practice.
Thanks for the topic.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 9th of January 2010 04:41:36 PM
I am grateful to and for all recovery tools and one of those tools is the feedback of the membership which has helped save my life since I arrived and stayed on purpose.
I learned in Al-Anon that I was powerless over alcohol and that as a natural result my life had become unmanagable. I accepted the second part before the first and then so do alot of other members. In the process of recover up to and including the moment I learned about Jerry F and I learned about him and how he was powerless while still attempting to exert power. This is a disease that affects the mind, the body, the spirit and the emotions; all levels and sometimes several levels at the same time. I learned that about me. I learned about my defective thinking including my denials and my attempts to do things not having all the information and experience (Thats how I got to say yes to living within the disease when I had the full choice by my own). I learned about emotions and that my major emotion was anger and rage when things (anythings) were not going my way (enter an alcoholic) and that my degree of powerlessness grew when I was attempting anything while/with anger and rage. I learned about my spirit and how it played a part in my powerlessness...Don't attempt a thing when I'm not in the spirit of it. I am not fully or willfully involved and I will tire and get oppositional in no time. I leared about my physical condition and powerlessness...Don't attempt a thing physically if I am not really capable of it or able to be taught. Don't commit to to doing what I ought not. Working Powerless has become for me living awake at as much of my life as I can. To know my weaknesses and to let that guide me and to know my strengths and offer that to HP's will. I am grateful for your love and support. Boy am I ever. (((((hugs)))))
......acceptance....letting go.....grief........ willingness.......applying the principles....... finding the courage to change......recovery.....one day at a time.
Thanks Jerry, for making me sit today and and read pages 8,14,32,74,155,240 & 285 of Courage 2 Change. A good way for me to still the spirit. Much needed.
I'm definitely powerless, but occasionally I find myself trying to take the power back from my HP. This happens less than it used to, but still happens sometimes.
Admitting I'm powerless in general seems too big of a concept for me most of the time. I have to break it down further and apply it to whatever I'm faced with - like, I'm powerless of my mom getting drunk before we come over for dinner and being obnoxious, or I'm powerless over my parents' relationship with my ex-husband that I feel is weird, or I'm powerless over my boss when she's in a bad mood and snaps at me.
Sometimes I examine my behavior in hindsight because it's easier to see clearly for me after the fact than it is to see clearly in the moment. I try to remember lessons I've learned in the past and apply them to new situations that arise, so that I can avoid repeating the same pattern of behavior again and again. I remind myself that control is just an illusion. Like - (and I've done this, too) - if I come home early from work so that I will be there when my relapsing husband gets home, and I do so with the intention of being present so he won't drink (he would never do it in front of me), I might feel the illusion of control because I delayed his next drink. But ... when I examine this behavior in hindsight, it becomes clear to me just how powerless I was. I didn't stop anything. My husband drank anyway. This situation happened over a year ago. Now that my husband is sober and has some mornings off during the week, I find myself wondering from time to time if he'll drink. But I remember what I learned the last time I tried to stop him - and I can accept that there's nothing I can do except just live my life.
Many times I've gone through stuff and not even realized that my behavior was controlling. I didn't try to control consciously, it just happened. It didn't occur to me that I was being controlling because I thought my motives were good - I just wanted to help. Admitting powerlessness is something I've chosen that I still have to work at. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it encourages me that I'm in such a different place now than even a year ago.
Thanks for the topic, Jerry. This has been on my mind all week. I went to a very good f2f meeting about Step 3 this morning - this post dovetails nicely with that discussion. I'm grateful that my HP really gives me what I need when I need it. Thanks for being here!
