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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Working with a sponsor - does bringing things up make the pain worse?
Post Info TOPIC: Working with a sponsor - does bringing things up make the pain worse?
jasobel


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Working with a sponsor - does bringing things up make the pain worse?
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This week was the second meeting I had with my sponsor. After the meeting I worked for a couple of hours on the questions for my first step. What brought me into alanon was a relationship with an A boyfriend that ended after3 years when he left me for another woman he met in AA. Well after my journaling on some questions as to step 1 the next day I was in incredible pain dealing with the loss of my boyfriend. Its been 28days since he left and yesterday was more pain than i have dealt with in a while. When one works on the steps with a sponsor does it sometimes make the pain worse before it gets better? I was really surprised? When I first started Alanon I worked on the steps way too long and too hard - i did too much and it overwhlelmed me. So now my sponsor said we will take 1 step a month and I am to do some work and let it sit.
Today I am much better after working with God to release my pain, but I was shocked. i thought talking with someone, getting my feelings out and down on paper would make me feel better- take the pain away - not make it worse? But perhaps this is common?

What are others experiences when you first start working with a sponsor?

Thanks,

jill

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catlady


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What it sounds like to me is that through working your steps and talking with your sponsor, you have got in touch with your deep feelings of hurt and rejection.  I know it is painful, as I have gone through similar situations just as you have, and my feelings were so strong they scared me.  You have a good sponsor because you got in touch with your true feelings and that is important to your recovery.  Being rejected, you were hurt and you need to get your feelings out or they will come out in inappropriate ways, like getting mad at someone for some small reason, or holding in your anger (anger is part of the greiving process) which can make you physically sick.  You have begun your grieving process, which has several stages, so please keep on going and work through your feelings so you can be healed. Being rejected is very painful so hang in there, don't let your feelings scare you, go with them and you will come out with a lot of peace on the other side.

God Bless you.

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Peace for your heart
RunnerChick


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I think that in order to survive at times we repress pain and bury it so we don't have to feel the FULL feelings. THe program teaches us that it is ok to feel feelings and that they will pass and we needn't be afraid.

I am dealing with my breakup as well. I am trying to feel the feelings of rejection and abandonment and it is VERY, VERY painful. You are not alone.

-- Edited by RunnerChick on Friday 8th of January 2010 03:19:24 PM

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Jerry F


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Good program Jasobel!!  Yep like the others have related some pain (not all) is still
there laying under the covers and then whatever the cause it rearises and we get
another look at it.  Refeeling it for me was traumatic because I wasn't ready for it
and actually had no intention of willfully feeling pain however wasn't I glad to learn
that it was optional and temporary and the consequences of holding it and looking
closely at it would benefit me tremdously that I might never have to get myself into
the same situation again if I remembered the lessons.   It hurts and rarely kills. You
are doing it with guidance...awesome!!  Good sponsors are like having guardian angels
you can see and touch and laugh with and who will drape their wings around us when
we are scared and cry.   Thanks HP!!  (((((hugs))))) smile

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kitty


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I def can relate to this as well.  I had  alot of stuff that was unresolved - I stuffed it and didnt deal with it.  Our feelings only fester this way, they sure dont go anywhere or get resolved.  Feel, deal, heal.  Yes, u do sometimes have to dig up some pain to feel it and get through it.  It does get worse before it gets better - BUT - if u do dig it up, feel it for a while, feel it through completely - u come out of the other side.  You do have to walk thru it, to get over it or resolve it.

I too will surrender my negative or painful feelings to HP/god and turn them over - and it is a relief.  Often just acknowledging the feelings helps take some of the sting out of them.  If I cant let go of my feelings, I say outloud to HP/god in prayer, I am willing to relase this now and that works or I say, take this from me now and that has worked as well.

Remember u are grieving a break up and this is a process.  The pain seems to go in waves.  Hang in there and know u are not alone.

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Debilyn


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Cat ladies share was so eloquent and well said. I agree with her.

Growing hurts. Makes us even closer to you, because you shared it with us.

love and hugs,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
nmike


~*Service Worker*~

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(((((jasobel)))))

Sorry you are in pain. I have experienced alot of pain in the last five years since my AHSober left our marriage. I don't think it necessary has anything to do with sponsors and working the steps. It has to do with lifting the veil of denial and looking at what is. It is also is grief. Sometimes I think that I can't bear it. But it is mine I can. I have faith in my HP to take me thru it. Hang in there.

In support,
Nancy

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Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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I also overlooked your experiences with sponsors question at the end of your post.
Here's a tidbit from my experiences...I was given the suggestion or the rule about
who to ask..."men on men and women on women"  I heard it clearly and knew why
and I was oppositional/defiant and stubborn.  I ran my own show and that is how I
qualified for the rooms of Al-Anon...Power and Control was a big part of my personal
resume soooo I asked a woman to be my sponsor...result it didn't take long before
she fired me and then we spent some time messing with each others minds.  Only took
one time at doing that before I stopped.  Not only did I get a pretty good picture of my
power and control habit I also learned that because a person was in program and had
been for a while doesn't mean that you can hurt them ever again.  Geeesh was I
sorry for my part.   The second time I did it as suggested and I've never been sorry
for the men that my HP has put inside of my recovery life.  I love them all and am so
grateful for their participation in my recovery.  Beyond words I am a made man or a
remade man thru the efforts and love of those men.   ((((hugs)))) smile

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Well as someone who came in here a few years ago now my esh is that when I got here the pain was incredible.  It took me a long long time to get the tools.  I was absolutely paralyzed with rage, depression and fear.  One of my illusions was that somehow the pain would be removed immediately.

My updated esh is that I am now 3 years plus away from the ex A.  The pain is still here.  I do not miss him on a daily, hourly basis anymore but I am focused a great deal on what led me into that relationship and how I stayed.

One thing I read recently was that in order to be happy one sometimes needs to be unhappy to be aware of  being happy in the first place.  Numb is not happy.


Maresie.

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maresie
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