No respect - Al-Anon Family Group

meagain · Veteran Member

No respect

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a sad dynamic. I wonder if part of it is that they see that their dad "gets away" with his behavior -- he's the one who got the more carefree life, who got to "escape" the marriage, etc.? Sometimes alcoholics look carefree to people who don't know any better because they seem to be profiting from their irresponsibility.

It's also true that the reason we get together with alcoholics is often because we're not extra skilled in being assertive (not aggressive) and confident and managing people problems. And then being with an alcoholic can make it worse and drag us into the insanity, which can last long after the alcoholic leaves. All I know is that we can't change other people's behavior, but when we change our own, they often change too. Not doing things you don't want to sounds like one way of drawing a boundary and doing that. I had a lot of therapy to help me change a lot of my behavior with other people, and boy, it's hard to change, but it's opened my eyes a lot. I wonder if it would be useful for you. Family dynamics are tough stuff.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Meagain...One of the puzzling things that got cleared up in Al-Anon for me was the
idea that perhaps I "taught them" how to relate to me. I did a big HUH? on that one for
quite sometime until I got to the inventories of what was my part in the whole thing and
sure enough I did have a hand on how others related to me...until I changed from inside
the program. What is my part in it is a very good question. In support ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, i am not far behind you in age!

One thing that is in my mind all the time, "I teach others how to treat me." I am talking anyone.

If I accidently bump someone with my shopping cart and apologise and they say some stupid thing, like get out of the store and go home. I would say, hey I don't allow anyone to talk to me like that.

Once someone was walking by me when I was still heavy after a major surgery. I was going thru this thing of pretty undies I used to get them for mydaughter.

This someone says to his wife,"She sure is not going to find anything to fit HER in there." OMG I lost it. Was not JW then. I ran after him and let him know how dare he say things like that for me to hear, and did he ever think about maybe some people have HEALTH problems??? His wife was like so hard to explain. Like omgosh he is finally getting his own med.

My tenant, bless his heart tried to "fix" my water pump. I did not give him permission. My son had to put a whole new system in. He broke all the plumbing, and burned out the pump. rrrrr I called and told him, the T, what had happened> He said it was always like that.

geez. right dumby. If it had we would not have had water for ten years> I only wanted to tell him not to do anything but prime it if you have to.

But he lost it and hung up on me. I sent him a text that I choose to be treated with respect.

He apologised to me the other day. I said that is all it takes T. He was honeslty trying to help. I told him this is what makes me not allow anyone to help me.

Sorry such a blab here.

SAME with my kids, your kids ages. I would simply say, " I am the mom, I deserve respect." I did not hear from my kids for months. OMGosh it hurt. But they are now both in my life and sooo much better.

My son would use profanity in front of me. I stopped that immediately. Just have to stand up for me, no one else does. I love the me the creator gave me. She needs to be treated kindly.

Yes we teach others how to treat us. We don't have to be mad to say it either. Nor do we have to point fingers. It is a boundary, period.

As far as their dad, that is their thing to deal with. Has zero to do with you. I never mentioned him to my kids.

Kids are very messed up by deadbeat parents. We can only be the best we can be. I know my son does not want to care about his dad. He hates him for hurting me. He does not believe him being an A is any excuse for how he treated him and treats him and my son is right.

Anyhooo I sure hope they get it together. I would be lost without my kids.

hugs,debilyn

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I agree with all the other posts I have been told in th past that I am too kind for my own good, I have been told i am to soft, I am a people pleaser like to keep the peace like to be the nice one.

Now Al anon has opened my eyes. I am still kind but I am learning I also have to demand respect My ABF has trated me badly in the past but I now see I treatened and never stood by what I said. when I say what I mean and stick to it the people around me change treat me better because i am respectig myself.
I have two teenagers and have let my discipline slip due to concentrating on the drinker and all the crazyness of this disease.

Thank you for your share you have just made me realsie how important it is I get focused on my parenting and setting some boundaries andground rules. US mums deserve to be respected after everythingwe do especially if the other parent is an addcit, BUT PEOPLE TREAT US HOW WE LET THEM EVEN WHEN THEY LOVE US.

great share

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Being an ACA (adult children of alcoholics) can have many of the characteristics of the alcoholic. Many children identify with the parent who was abusive as they feel helpless and cannot cope with the emotions that come up. Some people do recover. In fact if you look on these boards there is a whole group of adult children of alcoholics and people come to that program at all stages of their life.

Boundaries have been very difficult for me. I work on them daily. I have my own family issues which require a lot of boundaries. I have boundaries at work and in all kinds of situations. I no longer give till I bleed. You are in the right place coming here.

In al anon we adopt the three C's we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. I can't make anyone do anything but I can set limits. I set limits on other's actions. If someone is saying something nasty to me I move out of their orbit I can't stop them from saying it but I can show them I am not listening. Maybe next time your son says the stuff about the soup you can walk out of the room, then he won't have the pleasure or dysfunctional opportunity to see the hurt on your face.

Maresie.

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