"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Powerlessness and Obsession - just sharing...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

RunnerChick

I hear you regarding the pain of abandonment and the emptiness. You asked, as I did "How do I fill the void?" I will answer with the answer my sponser gave me:

You will fill the void with a healthy reletionship with yourself and HP.

You see I had abandoned myself and thought it was someone elses job to take care of me. I would take care of them and that would be the trade off.

AlAnon taught me that to be healthy I had to: Focus on myself, Take care of myself and not get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. That was my responsaibility.

Once I learned how to do that relationships were more manageable

Take what you like and leave the rest

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of January 2010 02:11:49 PM

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so feeling your pain. I can say I know EXACTLY what you mean. It hurts, nothing can change that it just hurts. It's hard to imagine that there is life beyond this, that there is a future where someday the pain will fade away and you'll look back and think gosh if that wouldn't have happened then all the things that followed would have never happened and I wouldn't be where I am now.... It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the middle of it and there are curves ahead. I do this exact same thing but I have experienced it several times and I KNOW it does get better and the pain subsides. Love yourself in every possible way you can think of to do it, buy yourself presents, flowers, lotions, soak in the hot tub, read great books (probably not romance ;), go out with friends - force yourself to get out to have fun at all costs, take a class or two to fill up that time and make new friends, when you feel like calling him call someone else instead. Make a long list of all the reasons you were thinking about leaving before and keep it close to you and whenever you feel that longing lonely feeling in the pit of your stomach get it out and review it and get really angry that he treated you that way. Make a list of reasons never to go there again, review that too. I know it's so hard to let go and it hurts so much when it begins, it's like a death only worse because they are not gone forever just rejecting you. I was just thinking about this today in relation to my ex boyfriend. I thought it was like a death only worse because he's still alive and I still love him and he treats me like I meant nothing. It hurts, it's been 5 months, it hurts less and less every day and I NEVER thought I would get over him. I will never be "over it" but I will get on with it. I believe he is the love of my life but I just can't trust him with my heart, he was irresponsible with it and the pain is not worth the bliss. Remember the pain, when you think about taking him back think about the pain and ask yourself if it's worth it?

That's what has been working for me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you are in pain! Was good to read you are going to a counselor, taking care of you! (o:

RC my thing is to feel the feelings. Accept them as painful as they are. We are so used to a pill or solutions to things. I had to learn I just have to go through it.

There is nothing for me to fill it with. Always said if there was I would do it.

When I was sweeping this morn, I was thinking,"why do I bother." Then thought, well I am not that bad yet. So kept sweeping.

For me it comes and goes. When I can work hard outside and wear myself out I do better. But now, it is so cold, muddy, wet...I believe it is harder on me to work out that pain.

Keeping busy helps, easy for me with these animals. Yet I know we still carry around that hurting gut.

Its good you come here and let it out.

I can tell you we don't know what the future will bring. Al Anon is so right on with all the sayings. ONE day at a time, get thru it, do all the good ya can. I would not think about it being over or not. Just allow myself to accept the present and make it as ok as I can.

It may mean crying a lot, moaning, sobbing.

Life can be very cruel so hang on tight to the good stuff! love,debilyn

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

One other thought/suggestion that you may or may not find helpful, while struggling with all of this....

What do you think of - re-reading your past posts, which were written in earnest - many times revealing the truth and the angst that your partner & his addiction were causing you..... I think it might help you get some "balance", as it seems as though you are going through that thing that most of us have done - seeing your past relationship through rose-colored glasses, fondly remember the good parts, and NOT remembering the pain & anguish....

Just a thought...

Take care
Tom

Festfan · Veteran Member

Wow Tom - that is really outstanding advice! And what a benefit of the forum/posting format! Normally those thoughts just stay inside, or are shared with a friend - then later, we forget the thoughts and we resent the friend for reminding us of the "dark side". This forum is like a mirror from the past!

I started keeping notes for myself when I was REALLY mad at the ABF - in the heat of the moment, the things I couldn't say when he was so drunk - I kept them in my phone (it has a small "notes function" - like a post-it. I also use it for my grocery list and whenever I hear a new song on the radio that I like...). So I went back and looked at it the other day and even added to it. It was my way of holding myself accountable to ME. Because the next day or later in the week, those angry feelings had subsided and were so often replaced by a good memory. That isn't a bad thing, but I knew for me that I needed a reminder that I would go to at some point. Now I have these postings - which will be with us forever! :)

jasobel · Veteran Member

I have been following your posts because your experience is so similar to my experience losing my A boyfriend to another woman after 3 year relationship. I just want to share that yesterday after 27 days since he left I had a terrible day. I don't know why or what happened. I had to even leave work I was in so much pain. Went home to rest and prayed to go to take away my pain that I have been living with for 1 month, that hasn't become better despite counseling, Alanon, working with my sponsor, medication etc. Blessings from God - the pain has subsided somewhat. Today is a much better day. I took care of myself, did what I had to do to take care of me - no matter how much I didn't understand what was happening yesterday - why the pain was so bad. I am going back to not texting or emailing him - when we talk it makes things worse.

I guess I am sharing that prayer works but we have to ask god for what we need, specifically. I am thankful that at least for today I am in a much better place.

Jill

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"