The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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Have you ever felt like a piece of furntire.I am working through some tuff stuff and I am single mom receltly lost my job and people in my lfie igonre me they say it is cause they dont know what to say.
I post on alanon they say I got alot og anger and bitterness I try to tone that down and I go in a chat room for alanon cause the pain is real and alive and they are talking about bugs and trees and goes on a while i make a few comments no one reponds and then i say am i even here and some one says yeah you are here and goes back to the room .
I say i will come back later and no one says any thing.So tell me am i just selffish or the truth of the matter is I dont matter.I am just a blob who doesnt matter.
For the ones who comment say get a counclior she told me last week I am doing so great from all I been though, you know the little things the incest , the rape , the house burning down , the abuse the divorce , loseing a job that I am in pretty good shape so some one tell me i look fine my sponsor says I am worknig a good program
so tell me why i dont sleep why i feel worthless most days and i stuggle in every day life and i would even care if some one on a chat room couldnt care less about me why if i am so ok am i so sad and feel like the hiriacane is comeing in.
any ways for who ever bother readeing this ,i am just throwing the chair see if any one can hear me.
You are not alone here, we have all been where you are at some point in our lives. Please don't think we don't care.You are not a blob, and you do matter. I was in a very angry place a few short months ago, and coming to this program and just listening and reading has turned things around for me a great deal. I personally am not ready to share my deep issues on this board or in chat, don't know if I will ever be, but I take comfort in knowing that this wonderful group of people is here for me if and when I need them.
Keep coming back and posting or venting or whatever. Keep coming to chat. If you can, go to face to face meetings in your area. This program works if you work it. Sounds like a cliche I know, but it can give you the tools to survive, as it did for me.
I hear that chair crashing into the wall. Look I don't know how far into the Program you are but there was a time when I felt like ending it all. Suicide seemed like a very plausible option. Nobody gave a cXXp. So it wouldn't matter if I was gone. So as I sat in the tub pondering what to do, my sane part came to the forefront. I was not going to let all this Sxxx mess me over. I did double time on my Program. I plunged into it with every breath and crumb of energy I had. I wrote volumes in my journals, did meetings twice a day, got my sponsor and (heheh) worked her to the bone. I cranked out all the work she could throw at me. The bottom line.... I got busy. And when I got busy I got better. Working through the steps gave me the opportunity to release all the feelings of hate, guilt, resentment, and anger that I had stored up inside me for so long.
You say you have anger and pain and a whole bunch of other negative feelings, well they are just that. Feelings. No more no less. Happiness, and joy are feelings too. It is what you do with those feelings that is important.
For me writing became my instrument (along with God), to sanity. I was able to release it all. The incest, the beatings, the degrading stuff. I can't put myself in your shoes, no one can. I can only offer my ESH of what helped me. Feel it, deal with it , then heal it. Those were the best words my sponsor ever gave to me.
I wish you the peace and serenity that I have found.
(((((dori))))) I saw you in the chat room tonight, it seemed things were going better for you. I know that the open chat can be just that, chatting about anything. I had the same feeling the first half dozen times I was in there. I know that I was confused by the light banter that I now see as a friendly release to all that our crazy lives throw at us. I also know that anytime you want to talk there is someone there that cares and has been through at least some of what you've been through. Keep coming back and talk away, you're among friends. Friends that do care.
I think I understand how you feel about not being heard. What I have learned to do is speak up in the room. If you cannot do that ask somone is they will go into a private message room with them so you can have one person's full attention. If you see me there when I get back home, I will certainly be willing to talk or listen to you. I just need to know that is what you are needing at the time. Try to speak up. I even will say something in a different color such as red or blue and get someone's attention. If not I come here and vent. I found that when I really need help, I am usually very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily and I have very little patience. Just find someone you feel safe with and tell them, I Need Help...... I do like to talk more in the room more that in a PM though because there a person can get more feedback and suggestions. What I do then is concentrate on one or two people who are listening to me and block out the others that may be in a different conversation. Hope to see you soon. cdb
Hi dori, What I meant by you are in good shape considering all you have been thru, I see you coming here reaching out. Many people would be a puddle and or islating and nto vent to anyone!!
What do you need dori? If I ask you that, what is it you need?
This is what a counselor or even your doctor might ask you. Usually we know what we need.
Dori with all the pain you have inside, I wonder if you may need some meds to help your body to heal from it? I mean like anti depressants and ? If you are on them already you may want to go to your doctor and let him or her know how badly you feel. You may need them adjusted or need a different kind.
I hope you don't mind me saying this. But we can only take so much and our bodies start backing up on us.
I know what you mean about the chat room. I have been at this for many years not and \ it is not like it used to be. We used to stop, I mean ALL of us to help someone who came in and needed help.
It is hard to come in with a problem or need to talk and others are going on about silly things. We might chat with another needy one but we never ignored or acted like someone was not hurting in the room!!
But we don't have control of that. Sometimes we might have to be more assertive and yell out please, would someone help me? Or ask someone to pm like cdb said.
Dori I just reread your post. I am a bit put back by you saying that when i said you are doing well considering the things you have been thru,"LIKE THE LITTLE THINGS LIKE INCEST..."
I find this maybe is the reason no one feels comfortable to talk to you! I very much could feel your pain, I very much meant you have been thru hell and here you are reaching out.
When I was going thru horrible stuff, I came here every night for months. Part of what made me feel better was helping others in here. I know that sounds strange, but when you help others you help you. When you were in the chat room, did you stay long enough to see if you could help someone else?
What do you want people to say? Dori you are a nutcase, you look awful, you are doing terrible??? I like to look for the positive. I see you in pain yet you come here and let us know!! It takes courage to reach out.
I do know about the single mom thing. I did it for 18 years as a widow.
It is scary just to lose your job. But you have all the other losses you have not heale d from yet.
It takes little steps, possible counseling, comeing to alanon, walk a little bit, exercise does ease depression.
I don't want to go on becuz I offered things that I do in my other post.
I am sad you chose to make fun of it. But that is your choice.
I am glad you are here, keep coming back, love,debilyn
I know you do not know me but I was not makeing fun of any thing you said. Drb it is not always about you ha that is a joke.It was about rhe counlilor i do see that she said oh you look good you are doing better it was about my face to face friends in alanon and church.
I cant expect any one on line to know me but except by what I say.Yes I did stay in the room for a bit and if you had read all my posts you see I did reach out and try to help .
Maybe it is cause i am in some pain that i see you being hard on me and you have no idea what i have been in and no i am not on meds.but i did learn alot from all this my expectations were all wacked you cant expect people in a chat room or even a post to know your heart through a few coments but i am going to try to stay more quiet and i am sorry you thought it was about you .,.if was all about you i would of said to deb as this one .
i will try harder about my posts and my going in the chat room i wish you the best.
Dori, just to also add that not everybody finds the same things useful. I don't come into the chat room myself, or very seldom. I'm not very good at nor do I really enjoy chatting and small talk in my day to day life, and online is no different.
So, I have only gone into the chat room when I am desperate, and need some program "right this minute". And a chat room is not really the best place for people who are desperate.
So, as the others have said, there are other ways to reach out. PMs here, or a telephone call to someone in your f2f group. Reading alanon literature. Talking to your doctor about how you are feeling, and maybe getting some meds for it. Finding a different counsellor, if the one you are seeing is insensitive to your needs.
And, this may sound silly and trivial, but it's true. A hobby. I spend a lot of my time at something that is far removed from my day to day life, from my work, kids, husband. It has nothing to do with Alcoholism in any way, it is only about me. I use a quirky little skill I have, that no one in my ordinary life finds useful, and help other people with the same interests. This is one thing that I am really really good at, and I would love to be able to do it for a living, except that no one would pay a penny for it! The point is, this has done wonders for my self esteem. I have a lot of fun, my opinions are valued, and I am easier to live with because I'm getting some joy out of life.
Dori, I am very sorry you are going through so much pain, and I hear your cries for help. There are many of us in the chat room that are here to listen and truly are here for the right reason, the reason being ,,"Alanon", but I also know for me that at times I too come in and get very angry that this chat is used for other topics and new comers and veteran members alike do not get the support and attention that is needed, at that time. The prime directive in my opinion of this room is to help others and indeed this is alanon chat and should be kept as such, there are many other chat rooms where one can go and talk about other things etc. I dont go to my alanon face to face meetings and talk about trivial things , I go to alanon meetings because I hurt and I need healing, and I also come here to do the same, but end up leaving as the topics that are being shared are so off key, and get disappointed. So keep coming back, there are us who care and when you need to reach out we are here, speak out and I for one will be here to listen!.......gardengal
Glad you are posting how you feel. I'd like to share a couple things I try to keep in mind when I am in chat. The first being, we all are here because we have been affected by this disease (some having so much more to deal with than others), and therefore we all are "sick" and just trying to find our way to getting healthy again.
It is true that until I get to know someone, I really have no idea all they have been through. And even when I do read about what they've been through, unless I have experienced that too, I will never truly understand how it affects the person. I can relate to the single mom stuff, verbal abuse, cheating, divorce, losing job (been there, done that). Incest and rape I can't relate to, not having experienced that, I can only imagine the pain and everything that goes with it. So really all I can share is what I myself have experienced and how I got through it. Other than that, all I can offer is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, and ears to listen.
There are days though when I am trying to deal with my own issues and therefore might not hear or see another's cry for help, or simply not be in a frame of mind where I can be of any help at all to another. At these times I am either venting myself or just being quiet and reading what others are saying. There are also days, like last night, when I had a horrible headache and couldn't follow the screen very well so wasn't participating a whole lot and finally did what was best for me and took my headache to bed.
I share with my sponsee's and others the Al-Anon tool of QTIP. Quit Taking It Personal. Remembering QTIP helps me to remember that we're all here just trying to get healthy, that we're here either venting out our own pain and anger or sharing our own experiences, and in either case, it is not directed personally at me. If someone doesn't respond to me, I just let it go. Maybe they are away from the computer, maybe they're having a bad day themself, maybe they're in private message or reading the message board, maybe they just didn't see me talking to them. If I need to vent or share, I just do so. Often just getting it out of my head, whether anyone responds or not, helps me. And I remember too, just because I'm having a real bad time and am in a not good mood, doesn't mean everyone else has to be right there with me too. So if others are laughing and joking, well that's okay. I'm actually glad, with all that we all go through, that they are able to laugh and smile. That's good that they can get to that point. And I know that, in time, I'll be able to do that again. Sometimes I'll come in the room in a horrible mood, I'll vent, someone will crack a joke, and by gosh I start laughing. That is good for me!
The one thing we can control, is ourself. That includes controlling our feelings, our thoughts. If you are feeling like a piece of furniture, well it is only because you are allowing yourself to feel that way. I can sit here and tell you "of course you are NOT a piece of furniture!!" (which truly is how I feel), but until YOU yourself feel that, that feeling isn't going to go away. This is part of what we learn in Al-Anon. We don't have to be victims. We have choices. I can say, I'm not going to be a door-mat for you all to walk all over me. I have something to say, and I am going to say it, whether you listen or not. See what I mean? It's part of us learning to stand up for ourself. And hey, I see you doing that by coming and posting how you feel. That's great!! Keep throwing that chair as much as you have to!!
Would you do one thing for me? (really for yourself, not me, *smile*). Would you sit down and write out some positive things that you do. For example: I cleaned the house, I fed the kids, I paid a bill, I did a load of laundry, I helped Mary with a problem.... The reason I am asking you to do this is because - one day I was asked "what did you do today?" and I replied "oh nothing" and then I was accused of being lazy, worthless, etc. I got mad and sat down and listed every single little thing I had done that day. I filled up two pages of notebook paper!! These were things I just took for granted that I did daily and didn't think of as "accomplishments". And I was really amazed after I had done this, to look at that paper and all I had listed. For some of us (especially those with depression) just getting up, showering and dressing is an accomplishment! List it all. I believe this can help in showing oneself how much one does. And that can help with feeling worthwhile.
I know what it is like to be depressed. To want to just hide away in bed all day. I also know the only person who can change that is me. I don't like feeling that kind of depression, therefore I force myself to get up and do something. Even if that is just pulling weeds for 10 minutes. I begin to feel better when I get busy doing stuff. I also come here and work on my "issues" that I have. It's a slow process, but it sure is helping. I can really see a difference in how I think and feel these days. I'm a stronger person now. Still have a lot of work to do, but that's okay. One Day At A Time.
Thank you ((((((dori))))))) for being here and for sharing. Keep coming back and be good to YOU, okay?
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Hey Dori...yes, you do matter. I remember your posts from last year, and you've often been in my thoughts.
I admire you for being here on the site, and working your program.
We all have days when we identify with the furniture...where we give, and give, and forget to take.
Life just isn't always fair, is it? Somedays I think there's no reason for me to continue living, and feel I have no hope. Fortunately, that goes away, and there's good days and bad days.
I'm thinking of you, and my prayers are that it'll come together for you soon.
(((((Dori))))) I'm sorry I haven't anything more constructive to give you, but thank you for sharing with us.
Since I don't go into chat, I cannot reply, nor would I, to others ignoring or not responding to your needs. What I would like to respond to is your counselor.
I'm assuming that you have been seeing her for a while so I would guess (and this is only MY opinion) that she has seen improvement in you and your handling of things. Since she is a certified counselor, I am guessing that she is recognizing that you are "doing so great from all I been though" because you are making the progress that you should. I doubt that she meant you are well and ready to move on without further counseling. It seems to me that you are taking steps in the right direction but there is still a long way to go.
My suggestion is to be kind to yourself and although I KNOW it is extremely difficult, try not to allow the silence of others to cause you pain. I know that I tend to stay quiet if I don't feel I have anything helpful to say. As you know, others here are hurting terribly and sometimes they don't really know what to say to help. I would listen (read) to what the others who frequent chat have to say. My take is that the next time you go into the chatroom, someone who has read your post will be there to help. Speaking up and voicing your pain here and in chat is a first step in being heard.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you....you are healing and healing takes time....a LOT of time. And sometimes "throwing the chair" helps people to notice. You threw the chair and have received a lot of responses to your plea....now you have to open your ears (eyes) and really read the care and compassion that is being shown you. You are not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you.....
~arwyn
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"Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is the first time I've read your post. It sounds like some terrible things have happened in your life. I don't get the impression there is something terribly wrong with you.
I have had those days when I've felt as if my feelings don't matter. That nobody really gives a damn. That people only care about themselves. But deep down, I know that is not true.
And even when I people let me down, I remind myself my hp knows exactly how I feel and what I am going thru and loves me with a perfect love.
There is something in the alanon closing that says "The welcome we may give you may not be perfect, you may not like all of us, but will grow to love us, the same way we already love you."
Okay, I probably messed that closing up- could some one please post the correct alanon closing?
When things go wrong, I try to remind myself I need to be more gentle with myself. And the slogan "Easy does it" means I applies to how I treat myself.
