first steps... - Al-Anon Family Group

wyola · Member

first steps...

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Welcome wyola.

You are in the right place!

Alanon has 3 C's:

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and can't control it.

Nothing you do will make him stop. I had tried everything before coming here. And I came here thinking someone would have some brilliant idea on how to change them that I hadn't tried yet. But I was wrong.

One thing you wrote that really stuck out to me was:

His friends know this is getting old, but they don't say anything and feel its not their place. But its always my place. I picked him up...convinced him to leave...let him throw up on himself...and put him in bed.

Why is it always your place? He is a grown man. If he passes out why not just let him be? We have to let them suffer their own consequences or they will just continue. I've learned not to do anything for them that they can do own their own. And to stop focusing on what they are always doing. It made me sick. I quit taking care of myself.

We come to alanon to change the one thing we can which is ourselves. Alcoholism affects everyone not just those who are drinking. They often don't see their drinking as a problem. We are the ones that see it as a problem and until they see it as a problem they will continue. And if we keep enabling them and helping them they will continue.

Can you get to some alanon meetings in your area? There are also meetings here in the chat room!

Keep coming back!!

Festfan · Veteran Member

Wyola - so many things in your post could have been written by me! My ABF was fully wasted @ New Years Eve - and was so irritating and embarrassing! Before that - in December, we went on vacation for a week. He passed out drunk at least 4 out of the 8 nights were were there. Night 1 - puked on the car (made him clean THAT up himself). By the end of the vacation, I did my own thing - and he made friends with every bartender in the town! On the last night, we were supposed to meet up for a "date night" - HA!!! I found him PASSED OUT on a park bench. I helped him walk back to the condo - he was barely able to stand by himself. That was before Al Anon - so I didn't even consider leaving him there to hit bottom himself. But I went out on the last night by myself instead of going crazy on him at the condo (what good would that have done - a bomb couldn't have woken him up!).

There are several of us on here who are new and in ABF situations. Its been amazingly helpful to read their posts and know that how I am feeling isn't "crazy". And the responses from the rest of the community have been great too!

Stick around and good luck!

Peace

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Al Anon helps us to think about our self. How can we better the person we are, how can we fill our own needs.

Until we are comfortable in our own skin, we are not good for anyone else.

It is horribly frustrating not to receive the affection we want so badly from someone. We cannot make anyone do anything. All we can do is change us.

I would want to find out what would make ME react so irrationally as to destroy property. It has nothing to do with the A. It comes from the person doing it.

What would make us stay in a situation that we allow to upset us so negatively?

We can want someone else to change all we want, but that is all it is, a wish. But we can change and grow ourselves.

love,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Wyola

Welcome to MIP and ALANON
Alcoholism is a disease and we wh o live or have lived with an alcoholic are seriously affected by this disease.

When you descibed your REaction to his drinking it sounded very familar. Before AlAnon, acting out, sreaming, crying destroying things were exactly how I REacted to this disease. When I walked into the rooms of AL Anon I needed to learn how to stop the madness!!!

One of the slogans is "Listen and Learn" I listened and I heard someone share that if the police were called during a fight that she had with the alcoholic then she would be the one arrested because sahe was the one who looked and acted crazy. That was so true for me as well. I knew then that I was home and could use the tools placed before me.

Please keep coming back We have a chat room and on-line meetings here and there are Face to Face Meetings in every town. Check your White pages for a listing of the main number.

I hazard a guess that he wants to see you in a Public Place because he is AFRAID.
aww It might serve you both well to discuss your issues in a retaurant or coffee shop

You are not alone

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.