Posting instead of calling/texting - Al-Anon Family Group

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Posting instead of calling/texting

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Runnerchick I can so relate to your posts. I am in the very same place. I have been in my relationship for just on five years and it has been so intense I have been totally addicted. I too get withdrawel pain and just want to hear his voice, to know he cares loves me etc etc. When I am with him and it is good Well you know the feeling.

Here I go again back to my fantasy but my reality is that the pain has far out ways the joy. He does love me but he is sick we both are and it is so unhealthy. i have been in Al anon for over two years. I read every day, I have a sponsor, I come on here go to two meetings a week conventions when I can. I so want peace, I so want to be happy to find Gods will for me.

Today when I yearn I think IS THIS GOOD FOR ME
IS IT GODS WILL FOR ME TO LOVE ANOTHER ORE THAN MYSELF
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?DESERVE.

my heart goes out for you all I know is I too am trying my best not to go back to square one because once I get through this pain I know I will be stronger
take wht you like
you are not alone
xxx

wyola · Member

I like your idea of posting instead of calling. I feel that desire to be with him, just to make me feel good. But that doesn't solve the problem, does it? I know he will realize all this once I'm gone, but we've been there before. So if I'm not ready to leave, and he does, will that just mean I will be there for him when he's ready? I don't know if I can do that again.

keep ur chin up...keep posting...keep running!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I dd not know we had a limit on how many times we can post.... (o: we don't!

I am glad you come here hon.

Read he and you live in the same house??? If that is true, no wonder you are in so much pain. How can you heal with his presence stirring up the wound?

I remember telling my AH that it was so hard to fight with him becuz the one I wanted to make me feel better was HIM.

Have had to take care of my pain alone for so long. Never gets easier. Hp is always there. Least I learned I can do it.

hugs hon, keep letting it out. oh btw. it is very common to be under stress and not breath.

I was told by a counselor I did not breath right. Didn't even realize it. I use a cpap at night now so I breath.

Taught me to breathe out the pain.

hugs,debilyn

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Please try and remember love has nothing to do with addiction....I know the loneliness you are feeling and it is hellish....keep posting...stay strong and heck you can post as many times as you need we are here to listen.

I hope tomorrow is a better day....

With Love,
Andrea

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((RunnerChick))),

You're doing what you should be doing to get better. You're reaching and staying busy. This is how we get better.

I have one suggestion for you when it comes to calling/texting him. Instead of keeping his number on your phone list or speed dial, take it off. That way you have to physically dial the number. I know this sounds silly, but it gives you a few seconds to think about it before you have to remember his number. Maybe, just maybe in those few seconds it will make you pause long enough to reconsider. Sometimes it's those little tricks that help us through the worst moments.

Remember celebrate every little victory in this fight. You're here instead of contacting him. Well done! That's a step in the right direction. Look back on this moment when you start doubting yourself. You did it once, you can do it again. I have great faith in you. Much love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

RunnerChick · Senior Member

I have been reflecting on the quality of our relationship when we were both working our respective programs and not dysfunctionally feeding off the other one.

Last night we had an honest talk about recovery. He told me that he needs to get it right this time - that he cannot relapse again. He wants to face himself and learn to love himself once and for all. At first I was acting out in my own bad behaviors - "Do you still love me" - "Why do you think your live will be better without me" --- all attempts to extract validation and love.

A part of me felt bad for wanting him to take care of me and my feelings. I got the new Alanon book at my Monday meeting as a gift to myself and it is very good.
I read alot about owning our feelings - viewing them as not positive or negative, but as feelings. Very difficult. It is hard for me to maintain the focus on me, if I am thinking about this elusive "us". I know more than ever that there can never be an US of me and ANYONE else until I can learn self love and acceptance.
Yesterday, I got some professional help for myself for an illness of my own, my own self-harm and self-destruction that requires treatment.
This morning I woke up with HOPE.
I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to self neglect and self abandon.

I want to thank you ALL for your kind words and the support you've shown me.

-- Edited by RunnerChick on Wednesday 6th of January 2010 12:34:28 PM

jasobel · Veteran Member

I have posted to you before as I am going through very similar emotions as you are, my ex of 3 years left me 26 days ago. I still want to text him and call him. I finally got a sponsor and that has helped. What else has helped me is movingi out of the room we were sharing and into another bedroom. I made it totaly different. I literally could not sleep in our bed, our sheets, our blankets. This has helped me sleep. But I cannot believe the pain is as bad on day 26 as it was on day 1. It is still impossible for me to not want to call im or text him or email him. I think its great you posted here instead of contacting him. Acknowledge how much strength that took! Starting to work with my sponsor and starting to work on the steps is also helping me move forward. I realized I was blaming myself alot (I didn't cause it, nor can control it or cure it -the 3 c's) from talking to my counselor. And that is also why I am in so much pain. I went 2 days without texting or callling him - and then it was he that contacted me. He still wants to be friends -I don't know if I can do it when he is seeing another woman.

You are so brave and courageous and you have come so far since I first read your post about your ex.

Jill

RunnerChick · Senior Member

I am AGAIN posting instead of texting.

There is a part of me that wants to just text inanely insignificant things to him- telling him something or another just to "make contact". Not good.
It is very hard. If I dont' text, I obsess about the compulsion and how strong it is. If I do I feel awful if he doesnt' respond in the way I would like.

So... I have these expectations and hopes and dreams for what will be said. This detracts from my recovery and from the focus on me.

Sometimes I annoy myself with my constant self beratement and obsessing and don't value myself AT ALL. This is when I begin self rejection and I try reaching outside of myself to "make me feel better".

RunnerChick · Senior Member

I am going to keep posting in this thread everytime I want to text or call.
I want to inquire as to his intentions - yet at the same time keep myself protected.
There is this large aching discomfort within me - not sure whether or not I am creating expectations. I am trying to be aware of this.

I want to call and text for the validation that he loves me and does want me.
I am trying not to beat myself up for these urges but to acknowledge them.
Read an awesome chapter on labeling feelings as "good" or "bad" in the Discovering Choices book.
Often, it's so hard to believe I have a choice about the way I feel, since I've been controlled by him for so long.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.