The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to tune into the ways in which I am talking to myself and to BE COMPASSIONATE. Give love to my inner child.
The obsession consumes me sometimes. It is an addiction pull.
It is automatic - the way I reach out to him for comfort and validation. I KEEP doing it. People tell me I will continue to do it, until I've exhausted myself and I'm ready to let go. I keep trying to force myself, WILL myself to let go and surrender. There is NOTHING I can do. Do I really want to force someone to love me? I feel so vulnerable with him because we are still living under the same roof. I am trying to be gentle with myself, but keep getting frustrated at my inability to sustain this NO CONTACT policy.
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is still there whirling like a tornado. I find myself trying to hold onto to hope. Unable to sacrifice or let go of my dream of our future together. Trying to find any bit of hope or validation from him to grasp onto.
I am TRYING to strive for One Day at a Time. I just need to work to get through this one day. I'm trying to just go by FIRST THINGS FIRST. What must be taken care of first today? I can barely get anything done at work. I feel slow and heavy.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Tuesday 5th of January 2010 11:21:26 AM
Aloha Runner...Great post!! That reminded me of my thoughts and feelings when I first landed in Al-Anon and then the phrase "if you keep and open mind you will find help". Part of my mind was I was closeminded to the messages I was getting. Oh I heard them and would even acknowledge them consciously but on the sub-conscious level the old tapes were running. Change takes courage and the prayer says...grant me the "Courage to Change." My first change was to substitute the program and my attendance in it for my attendance to the disease and the alcoholic. When I started to practice that the obsession for the alcoholic and how we lived and what I did dwindled and I was face to face with a newer person to show love to...me. I could almost hear God cheer when that happened. Keep coming back and working at it as you have been. There is a very marvelous AHA!! moment comming for you as your do.
Girl you are tellin my story. Therefore I have no answers for you. I beg God to let me quit thinking of her. Its been 8 days no contact and thats the longest yet. I find it hilariously sad that she claims to want to be with me more than anything and yet Im the one always calling her even though I am the one who is saying no. Major cognitive dissonance. I almost drove by parents house last night just to see if her car was in the driveway. I would conclude that if she was home maybe she was still sober and if not then she was either drinking or with a new guy. I managed not to even though I drove right by the street. I realize that whether her car was there or not the best thing for me right now and forever is to not care if her car is there or not. Stomach tornados all the time. I found a buncha stuff when I was packing her things the other day. Pics, letters, a buncha drugs. All tore me up. Maybe Im still reeling from that. I hope so. I hope its just a flare up from it. I dont wanna be this way for much longer. I cant work worth a crap either. I cant believe they still let me work here. Funny htat if I lose my job I wont have the satisfaction of being smug about how she cant get a job and how she left a stable sober good guy with a good job to go be a junkie.
Focus on what ur trying to do and keep practising that. What can u do to empower yourself today/right now? Focus on this moment and let go of the future and what could be - it is all an excersixe in mental mastrubation - it takes you away from anything positive you could be doing right now. (God I know, I did it too most of my life). Plus the future brings up fear & what if's - FEAR future events arent real. What is real/reality is right now, this moment.
You say u are frustrated bc u keep breaking the no contact. Instead of getting mad and possibly kicking yourself or abusing yourself mentally - think, I have a choice. If I do one thing, I feel one way, if I do another thing, I feel this way. Choose the feeling that u want to have. It is ok to make mistakes, slip whatver - that is how we learn and grow. Beating yourself up over stuff u do or fail to do - that is self abuse. You can choose to stop doing that. I read a book a few years ago that helped me be able to understand and get into - this moment, right here, right now - it is cd: The Power of Now by E Tolle - maybe it would help you too.
Once I was able to get into right now, I was able to focus on me squarely (man was it boring at first) and then I set boundaries and stuck to them and began to experience changes. I also go busy with learning to implement love to the self, being kind and gentle and promoting healthy for me mentally and emotionally.
Know also that u are grieving the relationship and what u thoguht would have been and whatver else u feel u have missed out on. Grief is a process. Take it easy, first things first and how can u take care of YOU today to allow yourself to feel better.
Hang in there, I know what ur going through.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
