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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Am I asking for trouble???? Am I strong enough in my recovery to risk it all again?
Post Info TOPIC: Am I asking for trouble???? Am I strong enough in my recovery to risk it all again?
shellyj123


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Am I asking for trouble???? Am I strong enough in my recovery to risk it all again?
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Let me first explain where I am....


I've dedicated my New Year to my recovery and working it to the best of my ability.  I was even asked to be a sponsor and was overjoyed that someone else believed in me as well, and that is going great!  I'm doing everything I can to work my program and normally do one F2F meeting a week, but on occassion I feel like I need more....not always but sometimes I do.

I live in a SMALL community where there are 3 AlAnon meetings a week in the evenings. 

My home group is Friday nights which I seldom miss.  The hold me together for the journey into the week:)

My SIL usually attends the Sunday night meeting and I like to let her have that meeting for herself as even though we began this journey together, I feel for me, I have to continue it on my own and having family in meetings is not always easy and can hold up ones progress, and I want to continue forward.  Her and I have discussed this and there are no hard feelings etc over it, she understands how I feel and that I believe it is best for both of our recoverys to journey on our own now-it is what it is and we are ok with that, and on occassion she still attends the Friday night meeting to catch up but continues to give me my space and room for growth, and does her own thing. 

Which leaves the Tuesday night meeting....This meeting is one that has an AA meeting at the same location......An AA meeting that my EXABF goes to religously without fail. 

My sponsee informed me that the Tuesay night meeting is in fact at the same location as the AA meeting but they are held in two seperate basements in two seperate buildings which are close to one another but not to close, and the only thing shared between AA and AlAnon is the parking lot.  I was also told by another friend that she could "almost guarantee" me that I would not run into the EXABF if I went there-she said she could not "absolutely guarantee it" but almost.

So I have been actually thinking about going to the Tuesday night meeting on occassion just to get some more recovery, but I am not sure I'm in a place yet where seeing the EXABF would not be very difficult and set my recovery back again.  I remember last Feb how well I was doing and how I had pulled myself up, then I let him back in, we went out the first day of Spring and I broke down all over again.  Do I still love him?  I would say yes.  Can we be together?  Do I want to chance that pain again?  I would say no.  I just don't know that I can emotionally handle seeing him again right now, or what my reaction would be.  I know he was/is my addiction in many ways...so would me going to a meeting where we could very well see one another be like sitting a drink in front of an Alcoholic?  Has my life become so calm and serene that I feel the need subconsciously to stir the pot?  And if I decide to go should I email him and tell him of my choice and give him a heads up like I had told him way back when I would do if I ever went to his meeting? 

I'm just really confused right now about what is the next right step to take....and wanting to get more recovery and wanting to be there for my sponsee, but not wanting to "slip" and loose everything that I have worked so hard for.

Any ESH would be appreciated...
Shellyj



-- Edited by shellyj123 on Tuesday 5th of January 2010 08:03:42 AM

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Karilynn


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((((Shelly)))),

If you are truly interested in more recovery, than don't let anything stop you from seeking it.  This is your life and your recovery.  Take no prisoners.  If you run into him, so be it.   Continue onto your meeting. It's not like you're in the same meeting where it could be awkward. Do what you have to get better. Don't over think it.  Just do it.  You will be better off for it.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty smile

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david62


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Hi Shelly,

When I first started going to Al-Anon, we met in the same building as my then soon to be ex a wife.

I can honestly tell you that did not work well.  I wouldn't see her every time, but when I did it was NOT good for me.  One night, (we were separated but still married) she came to her meeting with her "boyfriend".  I was so close to winding up in jail..hehe.

My group, which at that time consisted mostly of me and one other lady decided to move the time of the meeting, and eventually we relocated to a new place for more reasons than just the AA group meeting there as well.  It was a good decision for me.

I don't THINK it would bother me today but I have not had the opportunity to test this theory. 

If you do wind up going to the meeting, should you tell him you are going?  Why?  It is none of his business...regardless of anything you may have told him in the past.  I would say it is just a reason to communicate with him and that it is unnecessary. 

Have a great day!

Yours in Recovery,
David

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Loupiness


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Hi Shelly,

Sounds as if your recovery is going well, so I say, why take the chance the mess it up? The fact that you "think" it could be a loaded situation says a lot. Also, the distraction of him being so close and knowing you could see him after the meeting, could make your meeting not as beneficial anyway. Is there a meeting in a nearby town you could attend once a week? I don't have an al-anon meeting in my town, and must drive 20 min to one and 30 min to the other. It is nice "thinking" time. Also, the meetings are so radically different from one other, and it is great to be around different people and do it a completely different way.

As for emailing your exBF, I will be crossing al-anon boundaries here as I say, "DON'T". Just my humble opinion smile.gif

You seem to be feeling better and are working a good program. Good for you, Shelly! Keep it up!

Blessings,

Lou

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RLC


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Shelly,

You are the only one who can decide what is best for you and your program. Don't forget the on line meetings. One of my favorite slogans comes to mind: "When In Doubt Don't". I use that slogan when my head is thinking one thing, and my gut is trying to tell me something different. That is when I get HP involved.

I'm sure you will make the best decision for you.

HUGS,
RLC



























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carolinagirl


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I'd say yes... asking for trouble...

I know if I was to go somewhere and run into my ex right now I would totally lose it. I know you're not me but I think we think similarly and felt similarly about the exes so... with that said... I would avoid it like the plague if it was me unless your heart truly desires to be with him again and that's your unconscious agenda... In which case, I would weigh the pain versus the joy and see how it washes out.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this recently and what I have come up with is...

I would rather have moderate happiness and stability than bliss and despair. I loved my ex bf more than I will probably ever love anyone ever again but is it worth the despair I felt when he walked away? At this point I would have to say no. That could change in the future. That is why this is for you to decide and think about where you are right now, what you want in your life and what you will and won't take and /or do. It's all a matter of what you are willing to accept and what you get out of it. Imagine running into him in the parking lot as if it were happening how does it feel? Do you get excited, tingly, nauseated, listen to your body.

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abbyal


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Shelly I told myself along time ago that I was going to get well and that no one  or anything would get in my way .  One meeting a week for me is maintenance  and thats not enough I want to live . don't let anyone keep you from your recovery . Eventually u are going to run into your ex anyway and with one more meeting under your belt , you will be strong enough to face him with dignity and grace.

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Debilyn


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shelly my first thought was this is common in our recovery to be worrying about things that may never happen.

For me all the what ifs and all that are a waste of time.

There are many things I have to ask HP to please hold me tight about. I am not going to change my lifes path because of what might happen.

I also know that pain helps us with out growth. To avoid going to soimething so good, so hearlthy for you, just in case you might be caused pain, to me is avoidance of the inevitable.

Myself I learned to go for it. Taught myself if I saw someone who may say something mean to me, to think in my head,"it is just the wind."

I did see the AH with his adulterous woman at Goodwll. Yes it hurt horribly. Did it stop me from going again. no.

The pain I have gone thru since he turned into this monster, has taught me I am ok in any situation with him. I learned I survived, then it would happen again, again I would survive and it was a little easier.

I honeslty do not believe I would be in the good place I am with feeling nothing for him, if I had avoided what I needed to grow.

Makes it all more real. No what ifs.

You are doing so well! lotsa hugs,debilyn

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Mattie


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I feel for you in this situation!  Here's one thought: if you're going to run into him (and you probably will in time, one way or another), what better place than just before you go into a meeting!

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John


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I can only speak from my own experience, and touch a bit on what I have seen others experience in similar situations.  No suggestions or advise included.

I paid dearly for my seat in the rooms of recovery, the relational, financial, emotional, mental price it took for me to get here is beyond calulation.  Since it was my past that brought me here, I cannot afford to let it be what sends or keeps me away from here.  My seat isn't up for negotiation.

I once had a very broken heart and I avoided all the meetings this wonderful woman went to, which in fact limited the number and type of meetings I could attend.  The pain inside me was tolerable as long as I didn't think about, feel about, or see any sign of her.  All of which I did, often without any fore warning.  A song on the radio, OUCH.. turn the channel fast!  A resturant we ate together at... OUCH don't go there!  A show on TV we use to watch together.. OUCH, hurry, turn it to the weather channel! (as though I really was excited to see the tempeture)... One beautiful evening, I was downtown, its a great place to hang out with others in recovery here in Wilmington.  Georgous woman all over the place, music coming out of every door along the streets, laughter, couples kissing, holding hands, young folks acting goofy, ... life was great.  Suddenly there she was... only a few doors away from me on the sidewalk, not alone, but with friends, and even another man in the mix... holding her hand.  Before she noticed me, I did what I had always done.... I went the other way... down an ally, deserting my group of friends, including my sponsor in the process.  I avoided her, but I didn't avoid ME.  My night was ruined, my heart was hurt, my head was angry, my stomach in knots.

The next day my sponsor and I talked about what had happened.  He made the stupidest, most ridiculous suggestion in the world, so outragous I was about to fire him and get someone else.  "Next time you see her, go up to her, say "hello, ask if it is okay to give her a hug, (do if she indicates it is, don't if she doesn't), and tell her YOU ARE GLAD TO SEE HER"... smile, be very friendly, and stay away from anything serious,... if she introduces you to someone she is with, shake their hand and say, "Glad to meet YOU".  Then excuse yourself to continue YOUR journey.

I relucantly followed this suggestion about a month later when the opportunity presented itself one day.  It was a 2 minute experience.  It was a beautiful day, people doing whatever it is they do, and me wanting to run around the corner as fast as I could.  But I didn't.

As soon as I stopped avoiding, running, hiding out, ect... the healing was allowed to come full circle, and my life activities stopped being controlled by the boogy man of the past.

Today we are dear, dear friends, attend alot of the same meetings, always greet eachother with open arms, exchanging true smiles of acceptance, and even joke with others about the insanity of our history.  During a meeting she was the speaker at, she said to the group..."if you ladies don't want to have to really work this program, stay away from John... because I guarantee he has a way of bringing all your character defeats to the surface!"  Everyone, including me laughed.  My turn... I'm speaking a few months later... "I am blessed to have a sponsee that I truly love and enjoy working with, we have alot in common.  He and I are attracted to the same sick women in the rooms, I nod towards him, (her boyfriend) and wink at her.  Everyone, including both of them laugh.

Today is a beautiful day, people are doing whatever it is they do, I'm doing whatever it is I do, ... smiles are abundant, laughter is real, acceptance is love, and I'm no longer running down allies, or turning corners trying to get away from ME.

John

PS. Her and my sponsee were at mine and Rose's wedding in 2007... guess who caught the boutque of flowers that Rose tossed?  I can only hope they are as happy together as we are.  They both deserve it.





-- Edited by John on Thursday 7th of January 2010 09:17:13 AM

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