I know this is not for my A.. - Al-Anon Family Group

serching-sandy · Member

I know this is not for my A..

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

So you need to get permission to go somewhere? I don't mean that as sarcastic, I mean it seriously. I'm wondering what would happen if you just said, "I'll be out tonight till 9:00, see ya later." Or "I'm going out to see some people." I guess if he started grilling you -- "You're going to Al-Anon, aren't you?" -- it would come out?

But the thing is, we don't need anyone's approval before we do what's right for us. It doesn't matter if he feels threatened (unless he has a tendency to be violent -- in that case you should be very careful and probably consult a women's shelter before doing anything that might lead to violence. But still you don't need his approval; it's just that you have to be cautious around violently irrational people). It's funny that they're so convinced that they're fine, seemingly, and yet they're so easily threatened. As if they know the truth about them might come out. Although you're doing this for you, not against him, he knows that it may lead to change, and change means that his ease of continuing his drinking without consequences might be threatened. When we change, there's always that "Change back!" move from the other person.

I once had a therapist who always said, in difficult times, "Here's a chance to practice your healthy behavior." Assuming he's not violent, I wonder what it would look like if you were able to go ahead to your meetings despite him wanting to stop you, argue with you, engage with you. You don't don't have to show up for the argument. You don't have to convince him it's all right for you to go. I wonder if you could just envision what it would look like if you did that. If you like the way it looks, then you could try it.

serching-sandy · Member

You know it's funny.. Even when I was working I would let him know I was leaving for work.. I have always let him know where I was going. It has never been a stated rule, just has always been... I here my friends say things to me all the time.. but until I read your reply. it didn't register.. If I was invited out.. a girls night, I would always say.. well let me see whats going on, or Let me talk to my hubby first.. I have never went out on a girls night except for with my daughters. never went out by myself other then to work, shopping, or my families house.. Realizing this is sad.. He never told me I couldn't, but his views on it have always been very clear, so I never asked, never just said "hey I'm going out tonight, should be home around 8" And honestly.. it scares me.. He is not violent, occationally he may throw something, but only at walls.. but he has this look that kills me.. almost wish he would just punch me so it was done and over..
I should say his biggest issue with me going to a meeting (that he'll voice) is that one of our very close friends go to this meeting. well to all of them except Saturday.. This friend is more like family to us.
I really think he is afraid I will say something (tell a secret) that will damage this friendship.
I just feel all alone, and coming here helps, but even when I feel so low, angry, confussed, I still have problems asking for someone to listen. I see ppl come in chat all the time, and they can just simply ask.. can I vent, mind if I share.. I was raised believing I was the burden on the family.. I was the cause, was told this by parents that drank non-stop.. And believed it.. I was always doing stuff to try to ,well I guess, To appoligize for whatever it was I wanted to ask for.. Clean the house make cookies, get them happy so I might get to go to the store, or rent a movie. And as I sit here I am waiting for the laundry to get done.. have already vaccumned, dusted, walked the dogs, moped, ect ect.. Just to ease the blow of me possibly going out for myself for a freakin hour.. Old habbits die hard...
And yet even with this realization.. I am still scared as can be..
Not sure what I will do.. but there is deffinately food for thought in this..

Thanks Mattie
Take care
Sandy

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Sandy , this may help to understand your husb fear of you attending meetings . The bashing idea is normal its ego ,everything has to be about them . * dosent it ?
My husb told me in sobreity that the only problem he had with me going to this program was NOW THERE WERE TWO OF US WHO KNEW HE HAD A PROBLEM.
He was upset that I had finally figured out what the problem was in our home and I was not taking responsibility for it any longer . Think about it Sandy so he gets mad that u go to a meeting , so what ? there is always something they get mad about right ? I know u will find the courage to take care of yourself . in the mean time read the literature daily do what it says to the best of your ability , your going to be okay . hang in there. Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sandy, welcome.

It looks like ya get grief anyway so what makes ya just not go? It hit me funny when ya said you have always told him or asked.

One time I TOLD my AH I was going to my mothers for the day. Found out later he had told him mom how I never "asked" him if I could go.
Get real buddie.

I had been alone a widow for 18 years, I asked permission from NO ONE.

Being with an A can take away our spine. The disease beats us down and pulls us into his or her pit.

Not my thing to argue. If someone tries, I only repeat myself. period. I am going to my meeting. H(*U^&*^hjn53*&%^!!!!! I am going to my meeting.....He will get tired of it when we don't engage.

NO use trying to tell him what Al Anon is about. If he really cared he can look it up for himself. Or if you like, bring some pamphlets home. For me it taught me it was ok to love him no matter what. Love him just how he is.

Addicts are usually the most insecure people. For us to show our strength probably scares them. So they act like a child and throw a tantrum.

I know if my kids tried to pull that, they were ignored.

Never have believed in negative attention.

Anyway for now you could come to the meetings here in the Chat room. They are so cool.

I do hope you can find yourself just getting out the door to go. Earplugs are nice.

Headphones were great for me. I was fortunate, my A was actually pretty quiet.

Glad you are here. Hope you go tonight. hugs,debilyn

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