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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> This is my craziness TODAY...
Post Info TOPIC: This is my craziness TODAY...
Festfan


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This is my craziness TODAY...
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So, the event that triggered me to turn to Al Anon and begin to accept that I was powerless was (not surprisingly) New Years Day.  I was so angry about how my ABF behaved in front of my friends at NYE that I didnt even want to see him for the rest of the weekend.  I was laying in bed, thinking of what to say to get out of the different things we had planned, and what to say to the relatives and friends when they asked why he wasnt with me.   When he left my house that morning, I clearly gave him an out for the next family event and was vague about the rest of the plans for the weekend.  A passive way of saying how I felt, but he got the message.

But, as the weekend continued, I didnt stick with it  I called him to say hi, and when he let me know he wouldnt be coming to the family event, I acted upset.  When he didnt initiate any options to do something together, I went into needy mode dont you want to do something this weekend only to switch back to Im not sure I can see you right now when he suggested meeting up.  I was almost watching myself thinking who IS this person???

Letting Go or even detaching seem so far away for me right now.  Sometimes I surprise myself with all of the craziness in my head.  After one of our discussions about his drinking and the effect on our relationship, I even asked HIM what HE wanted to break up or stay together!!!  I make decisions at work all of the time, yet I cant make this decision for me!?!  Look crazy up in the dictionary Im sure my picture is there

My birthday is this weekend, and I know that he is behind the scenes, trying to surprise me with a get-together of my friends.  Yet for some reason, he has picked the same place where we had the New Years Eve blow up!  And next week we are supposed to go to a black-tie event for work with my colleagues and clients I have NO idea how to handle that with him. 

Thanks for being here right now my biggest tool in this is reading this forum.  I went to a F2F meeting tonite and am checking out a few others to find my comfort zone. 


Stay tuned for my craziness tomorrow...
Peace to all of us!



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Peace!
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Alcoholics do what alcoholics do they drink and make fools out of themselves  , Your not responsible for his behavior no need to explain it to anyone .  If someone asks whats wrong with him ? tell them u don't know they will have to ask him and walk away , conversation is over .Expecting an A to behave is like trying to hide an alcoholic when u have company commin , it dosent work .

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I came- I came to-I came to be
Mattie


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"Look crazy up in the dictionary Im sure my picture is there."  I had to laugh when I read this; it's so true about what my mind does too.  It's like a switch flips and I disregard all the craziness that's gone before.  I think the truth is that alcoholics act crazy -- who else would keep on doing something that causes such mayhem? -- and the insanity is catching.  If we stay around them very long, we get sucked into it and it's hard to know up from down.  Recognizing that it's crazy is the first step toward climbing out of the hole.

For me, what I noticed was that when I contemplated leaving the relationship -- or even detaching a little! -- all of a sudden I'd think that it "didn't seem like a good idea right now."  And what that was disguising was really strong emotions: panic, feelings of abandonment, despair, self-blame...  If I thought about leaving, they'd kick in as if someone had injected me with panic drugs.  And if I thought about staying, the bad emotions would go away again. 

It's been a hard road toward learning to cope with those feelings.  I wrote out a list of everything crazy he had done, to look at and remind myself that I was not exaggerating about it being a crazy, non-functional situation.  I have little slogans and affirmations that I tell myself.  And I've found it so helpful to think that FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

It sounds as if you are starting to wake up from that "It's all completely normal" stupor alcoholics like to have around themselves.  More power to you!  Keep coming back.

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Debilyn


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Hey Fest, I get it. I went to see my Ah in prison. I told him I wanted him to come home! I DID NOT!!! What an idiot.

I got real confused as he looks like my ah but he is not anymore. His situation turned him into a monster.

For me I got my true wants and desires, mixed up with reality.

YOU lady are not alone under crazy. hugs,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Festfan


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Mattie - "panic drugs"!!  I love it!!  That is exactly how I feel!  I will plan out exactly how a situation will go, and when he doesn't "act his part" - I freak out inside! 

Still taking it one-day at a time.  Seeing a new therapist for the first time tonight - that should be interesting.  Have only had one conversation with my ABF since Friday - we are in a "detente" or whatever and only communicating via email and text - really about nothing. 

Ahhh - this is exhausting!

Thanks everyone for all of the support.

Peace!

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Peace!
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