The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in so much pain that I am ready to surrender to the program and to all the suggestions - yet AGAIN.
I am powerless over my exabf. I am powerless over my disease, my addiction to him and my NEED for him in my life. I'm powerless over his struggles. When I THINK I am in control or when I try to be in control - my life is unmanageable. Currently, my life is unmanageable.
I'm hoping others can share on how they were able to let go of the control, ADMIT and accept powerlessness. I'm seeing so much of what I say (Calls or texts) are manipulative. They are done with the attempt to try to ween the validation and comfort from him that I so desperately desire. They are used to fill up the gaping hole.
I am powerless over his decision to leave our relationship. I try to be in control when I try to make him "See" things. I must accept WHAT IS and take care of me.
Hi RC... I think it is a great time to revisit step one, and kudos for you in doing so.... I'd also encourage you to think of a couple more things.....
1. Writing out a gratitude list - what in your life, today, are you truly thankful for?? This is an exercise that may not seem like much, but kind of "readjusts" our thought patterns toward more positive thoughts, as opposed to focussing on what we may have recently lost or are longing for....
2. Contemplate how awesome of a time you have just been given to "fall in love with you" all over again.... I think it's great that you are able to see the manipulative and/or toxic nature of some of the communications with your ex-ABF - try googling "toxic love" and reading the differences between "real love" and "toxic love" - I think you'll find it quite astounding.... With this self-reflection, please remember to be gentle to yourself, as you truly "did the best you could with what you knew at the time"....
You sound like you are getting a good grasp of the type of person you want to become - I'd encourage you to follow that path - you're doing great!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks for your post. I'm very new to Al-Anon, and while I've looked at the steps, I could see how they could relate to AA, but wasn't sure how to "fill in the blanks" relating to Al-Anon. This is really helpful. I think I can now work on my step one.
Aloha Runner....YUK!! I didn't like being where you are at for the moment and visualizing letting go of my alcoholic wife made me mental, spiritually and physically sick so I had all the symptoms that you are having that confirmed I needed to let go or die. I relate to what you say you are looking for from a sick person. My need to be needed and to be needed by an alcoholic was baffling...why not a healthy person. I didn't hang around any of those and wouldn't know how to describe one. I come from the disease of alcoholism that is what I knew, know and keep in the front of my head when I look at my thoughts feelings and behaviors.
Step 2...Came to believe that a Power Greater than myself (on all levels) would lead me to sanity. (Sanity a continuous and orderly process of thought)
Step 3...Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood God...and find others to help me one of which became my sponsor.
You cannot do this alone because you are not only trying to control and manipulate him in affirming you; you are also trying to make work what is broken inside of you. What you do doesn't work so g i v e u p. Surrender...stop working it...start working something different. When you feel like reaching out to him...reach out to someone in the program. Meeting schedule...meetings...literature...sponsor...sit down, shut up, listen, learn and practice; always practice that is what was suggested to me and what works mostly. Of course lastly; Keep coming back. You are growing in awareness and desire. Don't put out the fire.
RC, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. But it seems like you have the right attitude - ¨I am ready to surrender to the program and to all the suggestions - yet AGAIN.¨ Yes, again and again if need be. I'm pretty new here so I don't have much experience to share other than I too was in pain and just about going crazy when I first came here. I still have pain but it is getting less and I'm learning how to live with it. I revisit step one every single day. In my head it makes sense to me but my heart still has trouble with being powerless. But I work at it and the other steps every day. I don't expect miracles overnight but I can already feel a difference in my peace of mind since I've been coming here. So keep coming back and coming back again. And take care of you.
I have so been in this place so many times. It's still waiting for me, like walking on the edge of a precipice. At certain times -- late at night, when I'm feeling lonely, times like that -- I have to fight hard from going back down into the black place, and starting all those old emotions and that damaging thinking going again.
In addition to what people have written, the thing that has helped me was thinking, "My life is bigger than this." I tend to get on that over-obsessive, black-and-white thinking track. The loss of the relationship I'd hoped for starts consuming me. I overfocus. I think that nothing else matters and that my life is reduced to that one thing, and if I don't have that one thing, life will always be bleak and hopeless. It's a wrench to remember the parts of my life that have nothing to do with him or his addictions. But my life really is bigger than any one guy and his problems. I have all kinds of history unrelated to him. I have things I love to do that he never really shared, and I still can do them. I hope you can remember the other parts of your life, which are still waiting for you. Also, go to meetings! It's so important to be reminded that there are loving people who can be there for you, even though our exes weren't up to the job.
(((((RC)))) We are all here for you to hold you up until you are at a place where it isn't so hard. It amazes me how clearly you see your behaviors and can step back and look at what YOU are doing and you are doing a great job at seeing what is.
I could only blame EXABF for EVERYTHING I felt......good or bad. When my sponsor at the time suggested his motives were genuine, etc.....I told her EXACTLY how I felt about HER SIDING with HIM!!! She never walked away and kept right on loving me and helping me and in time I realized she was right!!!! So very right!
Jerry Is soooo full of wisdom (as are many here)..........He wrote yesterday "could I be wrong??" It NEVER occured to me to look at things that way!!! Nope not me-never wrong-lol. I had/have/will be wrong throughout my life but after reading Jerry's words I thought........ya know what? I could have been wrong in many instances when it came to EXABF....many times:) Jerry also blessed me with "IF NOTHING EVER CHANGES~NOTHING EVER CHANGES", at the time I could have choked him with that phrase-lol, but I repeat it MANY times over and it has been a God send in my recovery. And Kitty's-"nothing outside of my hula hoop is my business" Another great tidbit of ESH that I am planning on taking back to work with me.
It takes time RC.....and no one can tell you how much time, but it will happen, and you will know when you are done.......Some of us it takes longer than others-that would be me:)
Take care of you! Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
RC, I've been reading your posts over the past few days and feeling your pain.... I wish I could just reach out and hold your hand.
I just wanted to say that your insight is truly amazing.
And I'm following this thread with interest because I have my own issues with control
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
First, I admit I was powerless over AW. Second, I recognized (admit) that my emotions- and actions- controlled me, and I didn't like where it was going. But I was the sole entity that could change that!
So how to concentrate on me? I detached from her actions- as I said before, quit following up on her, interrogating her, etc. It was hard- it's an addiction in itself- but i quit. It didn't take long for the detachment to become normal and acceptable (even emotionally).
I then forced myself to do things for me (even though I had no heart for it.) I went out to see a movie. I made grand meals. I visited friends. I went out to the pub with friends and sat and laughed and people-watched. And I found that- HEY- I enjoyed those things!
With the change in behavior came a change in heart. I'd rediscovered me. This took maybe all of three weeks after I detached and started doing things for me.
