Are there any Happy Endings? - Al-Anon Family Group

frustratedinop · Member

Are there any Happy Endings?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HiFrustratedinop
Welcome to MIP and Alanon The answer to your question is----

Yes!!! there are happy ending. They happen if you jump into the AlAnon program with both feet and begin to learn new constructive tools to live by

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

Also at the top of the Message Board there is a Sticky from Canadian Guy which offers a free book called Getting them Sober. It is very useful tool
You are not alone and please keep coming back.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Kathy,

Welcome to MIP, I'm glad you are here, you are in the right place. I have been in your shoes. Living with an alocholic will make you crazy, you don't know which way to turn, and you feel all alone. You don't have to feel that way anymore. No one here will tell you what you should do, but you will receive other members experience, strength, and hope, telling you how they have dealt with the problems alochol caused in their lives. Alocholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful, disease. It takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alocholic, it takes complete total control. Trying to stop it is much like trying to stop a moving train. I know, I've tried only to be knocked down everytime.

When I found Al-Anon and started attending face to face meeting my life began to change. You see we can't change the A in out lives, they are the only one who can do that. Alocholics are going to do what they do best, ------- drink. The question is what are you going to do ? What I discovered was I could change and as I did my life got better. How did I change? I started attending f2f meetings twice a week. I found in the rooms of Al-Anon many members who gave me their ES@H. They had walked are were still walking in my shoes. They were loving, kind and understanding. I found a new family. I came to realize and accept the three C's, that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I read all the material I could find about the disease. Lots of that material was free at the meetings.

The change came slow, I finally admitted I was powerless over the disease. I had already accepted the fact that my life was unmanageable. I became a member of MIP, and I read hundreds of old post. That was a tremendous help for me. I would strongly suggest you doing the same. I got a sponsor in one of my groups who had tons of experience that I could call when the disease beat me down. I jumped in the program with both feet. It's the best thing I ever did, it saved my life. I did not get better overnight, but I got better, one day at a time.

My A wife is still drinking, the disease is in total control, so how can my life be better. I work my program. I use the solgans we are given in the program. I learned to "NOT REACT" to my A. I asked myself "HOW IMPORTANT IS IT" to get in an argument and only lose my serenity. I learned over time how to detach with love. My wife is not any better, but I am. Al-Anon has taught me how I can live with the disease an not be affected by it as I was in the past.

Kathy, I'm still a work in progress. This is a simple program that you never graduate from, you don't get a diploma. What you do learn is how to take care of yourself first. If you don't, who will ? That is what I suggest start doing as soon as you can. The best way to start is find a f2f meeting in your area, run don't walk to your first meeting, it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. You deserve it.

Keep coming back. I am glad you found MIP. You have tons of ESH here for the taking. Start your recovery.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 4th of January 2010 01:34:59 AM

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 4th of January 2010 01:41:36 AM

frustratedinop · Member

thanks RLC, tell me why do you stay in the marriage? If it causes pain why should we stay with them? Doesn't it become so much that you just want out? I do not want to sit at home alone every night waiting to see if there is an accident or if there is a call from the police. I don't want to go out to a meeting every night. I want to be with this man, I want us to be a family. Why stay if that is not going to happen?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kathy...I won't answer for RLC, I will only give my own. The alcoholic isn't "only"
an alcoholic. For me I had to discover the difference I had to know when I was with my
wife and when I was with my alcoholic. I didn't want to be married to an alcoholic
however I learned that the chances always would be that unless I changed something
in myself I would always choose that type of person for my main relationship. I was
born and raised in the environment and inherited everything from it...including being
alcoholic myself. That's another story in itself. I stayed because parts of me are loyal,
trusting, hopeful, honest, committed and more just like most other people caught up in
this disease. Even the alcoholic when not under the influence had these great characters
and then the drinking accelerates and I got stuck in the negative. I left after I found out
that I married her to fix her not share with her or build with her. I married her when I
also had the strong thoughts of not marrying her. That is normal stuff for enablers; we
live for others successes and not our own.

Some choose to stay because they understand more, have a stronger hope for
healing, larger capacity to withstand and/or a greater capacity for unconditional love.
I had run out of those assets because I married my alcoholic wife after breaking up
with another alcoholic relationship after being divorced from an addict.

I know RLC's capacity for love...I have read his posts and responses to post for a long
time. He has a leg up on me in that asset...I have only been working on the capacity
to love and understand it's true meaning for me for about 25 years in the program of
Al-Anon before that it was something else but not love. It was more about "what do I
get out of this?" before I tried to be loving.     Anyhow

There are other choices (healthy one) rather than "just" sitting and waiting and I've
learned in recovery that pain is optional...not mandatory. I also learned that happiness
is an "inside" job...my choice not dependent upon the alcoholic to manufacture and
deliver to me...it's my attitude and I needed to learn, understand and practice it.   I also
learned not to project or fortune tell doom into my life when I didn't know the future.
My alcoholic wife and I went thru some really bizzare stuff...scarey and shakey but none
of it ever matched how I imagined things would be.

Keep coming back...hope just some of that helped...(((((hugs))))) smile

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Kathy,)))

Everyone's situation or relationship is different. Everyone has to decide for themself what is best. Are there still times now when the thought of leaving crosses my mind? Yes. Living with this selfish disease can be hard, but for me I stay because I love my AW and I accept that she has a disease that controls her. I will be honest, there have been many times over the years that I had second thoughts. Should I leave or should I stay? Many times it would have been easier to leave than to stay. I've had the feeling I was going to explode. I've wanted to pick up something an throw it through the T.V. The disease brings out the worst in our alocholic, and also the worst in us. With that being said, the good times still far out weigh the bad, thanks to his program.

I made a choice, I chose to start attending Al-Anon. For me it was the right choice. You say you want to be with this man, and you want a family. For that to happen something needs to change. The only thing you can change is you. A great start to that change would be to attend several Al-Anon meetings and see if the program is for you, or go to the online meeting held on this site twice each day. The Al-Anon program has helped countless thousands world wide. I feel sure it can help you also. Please consider doing it for yourself.

I will end with a recent example of a new member to Al-Anon and MIP. This lady was not unlike yourself. She came to MIP and Al-Anon about 10 days ago and like most of us when she arrived she was crazy, sick and tired of the disease, and did not know which way to turn. It was harder for her because she lives in a country and has no access to f2f meetings. She got involved by attending the online meetings that are held here twice each day. She started reading all the material she could find about the disease. She kept coming back and posting and asking for other members ES&H. The program has already made a difference in her life. Her A is still drinking, but she is much better. She related that to me in a recent PM. To me this lady is truly a "Miracle In Progress".

Kathy the program works, it is tried and true, consider making the choice to let it help you. For me nothing else had worked, so I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The gain for me was learning to live with my AW's disease while taking care of myself at the same time.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 4th of January 2010 03:56:44 PM

frustratedinop · Member

I attended my first Al-anon meeting tonight, thank you for all your encouragement. This morning when I kissed him good-bye I told him I was going to a meeting but was not sure if I was coming home or not. But I did nothing but think about him all day and realized I would rather hae a few good days with him then none at all. That this is a disease, if he had cancer would I bolt. I am ashamed on how I must have made him feel. I went to my meeting and am now at home waiting for him to come home. I am sure he is at a bar but i will be happy when he walks thru the door and I can tell him how much i love him and how sorry i am for what i said this morning. Relationships are hard and when I retreat when the going gets tough that does not show him that i am in this for both of us.

Thanks again. Looking forward to my next meeting

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.