The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to the forum! Though not new to the consequences of alcoholism.
The immediate question on my mind is regarding The Big Life Changes that AA encourages those new to sobriety to NOT do. No big moves, no new relationships, no new jobs. No romantic relationships for a year.
Is the newly sober person also encouraged to end romantic relationships? We are just under a year in to our relationship.
He's sober for a month. Would ending our relationship also be considered a Big Life Change to be avoided? What does AA encourage the newly sober person in a fairly new relationship to do?
In my experience AA as well as Alanon suggests no major life changes for the first 6 months to a year. I do not believe it encourages ending a relationship ( no matter how long it has been going on) during that time unless abuse is involved. So in answer to your question i would say no they wouldnt encourage him to end your relationship. Might i suggest if you intend to stay in the relationship that you join the fellowship of Alanon and work your own program while he is working his. Actually even if he is not working a program. Alanon allows you to work on YOU wether the alcholic is active or not. Get to meetings face to face or here on line. Good luck
Thank you very much. I admit to being obsessed with what's going thru his mind and need so much for some sort of assurance during these incredibly dynamic moods and moments.
I intend to go to my first Al-anon meeting this coming week.
Welcome to MIP... I think it is always open to interpretation by the A in question.... though the nominal encouragement of "no major life changes" is sound advice, there is also a ton of stuff on keeping your focus on your sobriety, not letting anything get in the way of your sobriety, etc., etc..... So, as a result, many A's "newly into sobriety" choose to end past relationships for that purpose.... whether it is truly to focus, or whether it is an excuse to leave a relationship that wasn't working for them (in their opinion) - who knows....
Bottom line - the best advice I ever got was from my wise old sponsor, who reminded me that - in their early sobriety, when they are almost solely concentrating on themselves and their sobriety - what a wonderful opportunity it was for me to finally focus on ME, and my recovery....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It sounds as if you are worrying about whether he's doing something that fits the "rules" or not? But his decisions are his to make, whether they fit the rules or not. A lot of newly sober alcoholics go through a lot of changes, some good, some not so helpful. But they're learning their own path, and they have to be free to risk making mistakes. You can't manage his sobriety for him. I know this is frightening because I'm guessing that basically you don't want the relationship to end. This is where you take care of yourself. Al-Anon is about learning to focus on yourself and the parts of life you can control -- your serenity.
I really am holding on to the commitment that we love each other and that we can both grow and heal along a mutual path if we do our own work. There is 400 miles that separates us already. Distance that we have come to accept as a finite thing. It won't always be like that and we've been planning for a much different course. He is voicing fear about shifting his life so much. I hear him tell me he is scared but also that he very much wants to be here, to be part of a family, to pursue his writing. So when he says he needs space, I'm really unclear about what that means. We are already so physically far apart from each other.
I know in my heart he CAN'T be here until he has a more solid base of sobriety. I can't allow it otherwise for myself or my kids.
I don't know what to really believe. I am otherwise trying to be as patient as possible.
Aloha JB and welcome also from out in the Pacific area of this family. Love and commitment needed to be redefined as to what was meant before I got here and then when I was in the program. Like Tom mentioned, "not making major life changes" is up to interpretation and over time it has come down to some of what you have heard. What it really means is for the alcoholic or anyone in recovery (us too therefore) to use our engergies to focus on our recovery and not anything that will distract us from that. The consequence of not focusing is almost always the fear of relapse back into our disease. I was told not to make any major life changing decisions for up to 2 years when I first started "working" the Al-Anon program and when I finally "got it" as a necessary suggestion my life started to become more like how I wanted it with or without the alcoholic. Distractions lead to "going back out". I have witnessed it over and over in the 30+ plus years in recovery and as a professional "fixer" person. Distractions lead to relapse among other things.
It specifically relates to "new" life changing choices. If the present relationship is a part of the disease and recovery and not much of the cause of it; it might have value in recovery especially if both parties are working a similar 12step, 12tradition, spiritually based, recovery program.
That is just my experiences from being there and here and doing that and this. The program works if you work it. (((((hugs)))))
I'm having a really hard time with this. Right at the top of this page there is a topic that states: Alcoholism-A Family Disease. I believe that. I believe that alcoholism is a life management ordeal that is directly embedded in how the alcoholic deals with all their relationships: their friends, families, coworkers even.
I have found also to be true, for me anyway, that much of the growth and healing that I have honored could not have been done unless I was in relationship-or maybe shall I say a direct and important connection to another human. If I didn't have the connections and the accountability then really why bother doing the work? (I'm being ever so slightly flip about this latter statement-ultimately I know any healing is good whether in relation or not.) But as humans we are in constant connection to other humans.
I don't like the thought of being the cause of an addiction and that sounds harsh to me. I do however, think I missed some red flags. I do think I denied a few red flags. It was verbally beaten into me that I was the cause of my ex husband's porn addiction. And as emotionally abusive as that relationship was, I never would have been able to recover had I not been immersed in those experiences and emotions.
My choice would be to walk an individual but mutual growth of healing with my ABF.
Does AA and Alanon encourage the life management skills beyond the doors of the meetings? I worry that AA and Alanon become the short term pit stops for drinking management. "If I can just make it to another meeting with out drinking, or without breaking down, without whatever...".
The one day at a time helps one to stay focused but what about the plans, the future, the ability to set goals and follow thru?
I am so new to all of this and my head is swirling with questions...
I don't think it's that you can be the cause of an addiction. As the saying goes, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. But sometimes a recovering alcoholic can use the other people in their lives to induce turmoil -- because without turmoil they're alone with their thoughts, and they can't stand it; and also because turmoil provides an excuse to drink. Major changes are another way of getting turmoil.
It's true that alcoholics, like everybody, have to be able to live and keep their recovery with other people in their lives, not just all alone in isolation. But sometimes when they're early on and shaky, they need things to be simple. They stopped learning how to deal with people a long time ago, when they started coping by drinking. Now they're learning how to cope with people without drinking, and it can be overwhelming. The trouble is that we've spent so long waiting for them to get sober and be a real part of the relationship that it's exasperating when they're no longer drinking and they're still not available. I can see that they need however much space they need in the early months. But if the space goes on and on and on, that's when we have to ask whether we're ever going to get what we want from them. Some of them just don't have it to give, drinking or not drinking. But that's not the place you're in yet. It's frustrating not to know what the future holds, but sometimes you just have to take it day by day.
