He Left Me - Al-Anon Family Group

RunnerChick · Senior Member

He Left Me

Bella333 · Veteran Member

I'm so sorry for your situation. I relate a lot.My experience is that As are As and do inexplicable stuff. I too wondered why. If my Aexbf wasn't an A he would have explained his reasons like an adult. I too felt mutual friends would feel I was less than. In the end, I think they were mostly worried about me. I wish I had not talked to them about the situation as they just didn't get the whole Alanon thing and we both ended up getting frustrated. You are an amazing woman and I always love reading your posts. Good luck and keep going to alanon. Things will get better in ways that are unexplainable. : )

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi RunnerChick,

I can certainly relate to where you are too. I was there about 6 years ago, when my A now ex-wife ended our relationship.

I too had been on the fence about ending it myself for at least a year before that, but I just wasn't ready either.

I fully believe the time just was not right. I was a mess and I had not found a program yet.

It was after I found a program and started getting help, that my wife left me.

It was perfect timing.

I am so grateful for my HP's part in the timing. Doing for me what I could not do for myself at just the right moment. When I had a support system. He got two people out of a caustic relationship that was detrimental to both of us.

There was pain. There was the feelings of rejection and hurt. Anger.

But there was also faith. Faith that whatever happened, it was going to be just fine. Better than fine. If I put my trust in something greater than myself, things were going to be awesome.

And so far, they are definately awesome and getting better every day. All because of my attitude and learning to let go and let God.

Keep coming back, it will keep getting better!

Yours in Recovery,
David

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

yes, its a horrible feeling, it hurts when an important relationship like this ends, but in a way I think it leave you more free to move on, I wish you good wishes and prayers are on the way.

jasobel · Veteran Member

OMG! This is my story - only my A left me 19 days ago - the same thing happened to us. I wish I would have ended it earlier but I believed in making things work - in sticking with it despite hard times. He left for the same reasons. And I have been doing the same thing - the barage of text messages, emails, phone calls he never returned. I honest to god thought I was going to lose my mind. Yesterday I went to a meeting and got a sponsor. I went into the meeting and cried the whole meeting and asked someone I didn't know - but I desperately had to. I am going to try to get to as many meetings as I can - because when I don't I feel like I am going insane. I wish I was there to give you a big hug - because when i say "I understand what you are going through" I totally do! I am in therapy, on anxiety meds, talk to friends - but truly the only thing that helped me was this meetingi I went to yesterday and realizing how messed up I am by being in this relationship with him. I realized when he left me I need to work the steps and get a sponsor. I too changed my life for him and our future. Sounds like you are in a strange town - meetings would help. I felt so alone yesterday until I went to this meeting. I too am desperate for him to come back, only my A left me for another woman. But it takes all my control not to text him, email him and call him. I don't know if we can give out contact information on this board, but if we would I could. You are in my heart and in my thoughts.

Jill

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ms chick, My heart just aches for you. This is indeed a learning experience. You gave such an honest open share. I am always in awe when people do this here.

You feel what you feel, however, remember it may not be correct! I would ask what makes it "dumb" to take a step with courage to move that far away, get away from your family and other loved ones? Just because the man has a horrible disease, is NO reflection on you!

I am sure if you knew how this disease was before, you would have never went. I can tell you for sure, if I knew what I do now, I would have never, ever gave in to my AH's wooing and then marrying him.

Do I feel dumb? No. Am I ashamed? No. Myself I was blessed to be with him when it was the only time in his life that he was on program and had a good life.

The disease tried to take everything from me. Didn't Actually all I went thru made me stronger and it made me even more humble. Even more serene.

I do understand that a lot of women don't have a very high self worth. They really don't know themselves. But that is a societal problem. If you don't have big enough breasts, thick lips, skinny, small feet, arms are too hairy and on and on you are not worth anything.

Wrong. I learned when I went back to college in my forties to be the woman I am and love me. I became self actualized. It freed me. I like my body, I like my curves and softness. I liked how I cared about others, I liked how I could take care of me.

I was constantly shocked how so many young beautiful smart women at college did not like themselves! Here I was forty something, built well but not little, and I liked me.

I do relate to the US. That is only natural. Two people become one. When my first husband died, I felt like my arm had been cut off.

I feel you are soooo hard on yourself! We can change the negative thoughts in our pretty heads uno. I learned to say Stop,and put in, I am ok just as i am. I never allowed myself to say bad things about me! I floated above my body and looked at me. And I thought how I would treat her if she was not me.

Anyway I invite you to love you, to pat yourself on the back for giving it all you could. Then take care of the beautiful, intelligent woman you are.

You are an open wound, treat yourself carefully. I am actually so very proud of you. You had more guts than I would moving like that! I hate to even leave my home!

hugs hugs hugs, love, Your friend,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

I hope that this time next year you will be singing "Thank God for unanswered prayers." I have sung that tune many times in my life.

Be gentle with yourself.

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RC))),
I am so sorry for your pain.

I spent a while thinking about wether to end my marriage or not. It was so hard to say the words it's over for me. In the end I asked him to leave and I told him that I didn't want to be married anymore. He tells people he ended it. I really don't care for me it is over and that is what I need to focus on and move forward from, not who ended what.

In the end he is not right for me right now. I made the choice for me and my children to not live with active addicition. So that is where I am at.

But almost 8 years ago he and I split. He left me to focus on his program (which he was at the time). I was devestated. I had our two year old and was pregnant with our second daughter. I felt so rejected and alone.

After a bit I started to focus on me and that is when I started to get into program. I remember telling people that he and I were going to get back together. I knew we were going to. He was going to focus on him and I was going to focus on me. We were going to get to know each other healthy and then I was sure we would reunite. And that is exactly what happened.

Even though it didn't turn into a happily ever after in recovery I am still grateful for that short time we had together as a NA and Al-anon working a program together.

Hun it may be over now, you never know what the future may bring. If you two are meant to be then HP will find a way to make it happen.

We are here for you.

Yours in reovery,
Mandy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I held my breath when you said you were going and now the other shoe dropped. You
can look at it another way ifn you like? The decision to leave is taken out of your hands.
You're left with the decision on how to move on and with grieving also sometimes at the
same time. We have soooo many survivors here in this family and in the rooms of
Al-Anon with priceless experiences to help you all free for the asking. I hope you don't
loose the strength to reach out and ask for help with this. You will survive. We will
support. (((((hugs))))) smile

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Like so many others I want to say that is my story exactly and I let it distroy about 2 years of my life- the way he could be so cold at the time but I did notice that later when he "left" again and I made myself move on he very very quickly wanted to come back, all of a sudden he "got it" AND changed alot.

One thing that helped me alot also was when I read "it is very difficult to loose an alcoholic...even if you want to!" I smile and laugh at all the times he "left" me only to come back as soon as he thought I had "learned my lesson" and they also can sense when we are thinking of leaving and may leave us first to protect themselves from the hurt. oh my gosh you wouldn't believe how quickly he would sit back down and become suddenly reasonable at the times he would threaten to leave and I would simply say okay, or say nothing. He doesn't threaten to leave anymore!

Yes he is still drinking, and I can't explain it all here but I can tell you something I learned at the time: no matter if he came back or not I was going to put my best effort into respecting myself, move on with matters that truely interested me (NOT just play it or play hard to get) I truely was moving on with my life. I truely wanted him in my life but could live without him and really began to realize life would be easier without him. Come to think of it since I took that attitude he has increased him income by 100%, he never sleeps all day like he used to and he actually plans to spend time with me often. Yes he is still drinking and we still have troubles but I think him being the center of my world was as much a problem as the drinking.

When he hurt me emotionally I remembered "hurt people, hurt other people" and I remembered it was useless to spend my time trying to understand his reasons or actions. No matter what happens if you focus on you, YOU WIN!

I know all the less than feelings and worries believe me I cried begged etc.many fits many many times of trying to "reason" with him when he was drinking, how insane, then one day it hit me like a voice from above "respect yourself" and yes I felt much better, no matter what had happended the day or even the minute before I felt stronger.. no matter how ashamed or guilty I felt about past actions, I could turn them over to HP- ask him to deal with all the thoughts running in my head and move on to things I did understand and did have control of. I pictured the kind of woman I would respect in my mind and made up my mind to be that woman.
I actually have a visual picture of that women (me) in my mind.

Good luck, know you are cared for and it's okay to feel sad or hurt at the same time you are "respecting yourself" feeling hurt doesn't mean you have to rub your own nose in it.

and you wouldn't believe how short the A's memories are of the times you texted and called or seemed weak, when you stop and truely focus on you, they wonder, when you are polite but strong and repect yourself in all you say and do they notice, even if they don't act like it, they notice

Regarding your other people thinking you are less than- really if we all knew how rarely others think of us in the way we suppose we wouldn't worry at all what others think because they just don't. Besides if they were thinking "less" of you when they see the strong confident you who say's "yes, we are apart and that is sad... but hey let me tell you what I'm up to...they may realize and you may realize what a great person you can be without anyone--- look at it as an opportunity to work on you without him there to distract you..and good things- I don't know exactly what good things but very good things will happen.

Respect you, love yourself, learn do, read, be something you've always wanted to, fake it till you make it and I promise you will see good results!

Thank you for letting me post- it's reminded me how great things are now and I still have a long way to go and more I need to learn.

-- Edited by glad on Friday 1st of January 2010 08:37:47 AM

-- Edited by glad on Friday 1st of January 2010 08:46:08 AM

-- Edited by glad on Friday 1st of January 2010 08:52:24 AM

-- Edited by glad on Friday 1st of January 2010 08:58:26 AM

RunnerChick · Senior Member

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS.

It's so hard.
Intellectually, I KNOW that my previous thinking and questioning about our relationship, reveals that I wasn't sure it was working for me OR that I was happy.

Truth is, he is my drug and I was using him to fill the empty hole that only I can learn to fill with self love and self respect and self honoring.
Now I must look at me, HECK I am forced to look at me!
I just feel like someone ripped out all my insides. He has always been the insulation to hard times. I never thought he would EVER leave me.
I find myself reaching out for MY drug - desperate for reconciliation - not quite GETTING it that he doesn't want to be with me.
Plain and simple.
The rejection almost feels fatal, as though it will kill me.

All I know how to do is dive head first into my own program. Surround myself with people who work a program of recovery and who are content on making themselves whole and loving who they are.

One thing I'm stuck on is the rejection.
I take his rejection and abandonment to mean I am unwanted, unloveable and worthless. I can't let go of this thought.

I would like to be kind to me - not engage in the negative battle or self beratement but I keep using his rejection and his leaving me as EVIDENCE. My entire life I've been walking around collecting pieces of evidence that I am defective, inadequate and unworthy - that everyone will ALWAYS leave me because of how damaged I am and how many gaping holes I have.
How do we practice self acceptance and self love during a time when we want to reject ourselves because the one person we believed would always be there, just ISN'T?

I almost believe it would be easier if I would have left after the relapse. Today he is working a program and is clean and sober and I am the sick one, left feeling like my life cannot go on without him in it. Not able to see a ME without a him.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Respect yourself!

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((RC)))))

Woke up this am thinking about you and hoping you are feeling better-though I know with me it took ages it seemed to begin to heal. But with each passing day I felt a little bit better-in the begining it was VERY VERY small bits but it was there.

I went to extremes too to hold onto my EXABF-my drug of choice-I needed him to feel hole, I needed him to feel happy and I needed him to live and could not see life without him. But I know now that the emptiness inside of me was there before EXABF, during and after our relationship ended. It was DURING the last few months of our relationship that I came here to MIP and posted for the first time because I knew something inside of me wasnt working and I was empty and sad and had no reason to be then, and I knew I couldn't talk to EXABF about it or he would take it persoanlly (he confirmed this for me later when I finally did open up)

I was thinking of my situation and remembered something about the A.......He kept coming back.......just like a boomerang-until I finally told him enough-we are destroying one another and this isn't what love is supposed to be. It was the hardest email I ever sent him but I couldn't stand one more day of the hurt and anxiety that was a part of loving him anymore.

What I didn't do all those times, was prepare myself well enough for his boomerang efforts by focusing on me. Everytime he called, emailed, etc I jumped and much like you used his desire for me as a barometer of my self worth and that was soooooooooo wrong!! It never occured to me either until I read this posting that he most likely knew I was contemplating leaving and wanted to leave FIRST! A's are VERY egocentric and I didn't know that at the time. The biggest mistake I made and the biggest setback I had in my recovery was letting him back into my life after he left and I had found my footing in this program and was feeling really happy again and giving us another chance. It spun me all over the place and I slipped many many times in my program.

You are a beautiful woman with much to offer everyone you come in contact with. You have helped me and many others here with your ESH, and you will get through this-in time-your HP's time NOT yours (another big struggle I had:))

Please try to get to a meeting asap and read and post and focus on you til then.
I'm thinking about you and trusting your HP to hold you tight and keep you safe while you are going through this difficult time.

Love and peace,
Shelly

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RC)))

Thank you for your posts- you've expressed all the things that I, too, have been struggling with recently.

My exHA went so far as to spell it out for me by telling me to go find another man to love and marry and enjoy life. He said it in a gentle way, but he also expressed that he is very angry. While I thought he was doing better in recovery, our conversations reveal that he still blames me for everything that happened, and, that he has no interest in the truth- only his fabricated angry versions.

I realize that there is only one thing I can do, which is to focus on myself and rebuild my life from scratch. I do so reluctantly. I would like to think the worst is behind me, but I don't know that it is. I am glad to report some baby steps over this past week and I'm starting to feel better about moving on. I expect setbacks, but hope that there will be more and more peaceful moments.

We were married for 18 years, and I decided it would be easier to move on if I weren't in contact with him. This was the first New Year's eve that I would not wish him a happy new year. I expected not to hear from him either. He must have radar that shows I'm moving on and he texted me to have a happy new year. I was surprised and happy to hear from him, and, I know this changes nothing.

You aren't alone. I'm glad you are here and will pray that we both soon get to a better life balance where we can more fully enjoy life.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't let go of this thought.

Until you come to be able to say," I can let go, I will be ok, I am strong on my own. "

To tell yourself this is what I was talking about. It's like wanting to be able to parachute, I want to so bad, but say I can't. So you don't.

It is up to us to change those words and thoughts. Would we allow anyone else to talk to us like that?

We all have options, we can choose to be a victum we can choose to be cold, we an choose to put our heads up and keep going.

Honey this is life! It is not easy, but getting thru this kinda stuff is when we learn. Once we realize we can, then the next big hurt is easier to bare.

hugs,debilyn

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Again - thank you all for your words.

I can't stop reaching out, only to be rejected and burned more.
I want it to stop throbbing.
I wasn't ready to let go.
I'm not ready to let go and I'm being forced.
He says he doesn't know who he is without me OR without drugs and that he needs to find out.

Why do I keep making it all about me??
How do I not? How do I let go? How do I stop focusing on WHY he is leaving and just focus on being gentle and kind to me.

I keep beating myself up and am not sure how to stop.

ANOTHER sick part of my disease is that he is working a program and steps and has a sponsor and I KNOW he will never come back. He is making this decision for him and every one of my questioning and begging to understand just seems to drive him further away. I keep trying to control "my drug" - his love and affection.

-- Edited by RunnerChick on Friday 1st of January 2010 02:07:43 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

RC,

Be gentle with yourself. Letting go is not an easy process.

Every time I reach out to my exHA, he lashes out to hurt me... and, he does a wonderful job of that!

For myself, I guess I reached a point where I have (hopefully) had enough of it. I did/do not want to let go and feel forced into it, as well. He says he does not want to be with me and it is over and says there will be no more discussion.

I am trying to stay in the moment and focus on the present. This will come out sounding funny; but, I am forcing myself to do things that make me feel good or change my focus so that I am thinking of him less and less.

To lessen the sting of his rejection, I tell myself that it isn't necessarily coming from a rational place. I am working on building my self-esteem- intellectually, I know I'm worthy, but now I have to believe it in my heart. I guess I need to work on letting go of feeling guilty... again, I know I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it... but, for some strange reason I have residual guilt that I wasn't enough or could have done things differently, etc. that would have brought a different outcome.

This past week focusing on spending my time doing positive things for myself is helping.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

okay right now your hurting and you need to "get it all out" but think of it this way, what are you really loosing? For me I was loosing a lump on the couch, really all he ever did at that time anyway was drink and make bad choices. Do you seriously not think you are good enough to deserve a happy life. (I did for a time) anyway if you think your not good enough to have what you deserve... now is your chance to grow, heal, live and blossom ( be restored to whoever you want to be) whoever or whatever your Higher Power wants you to be.

And he may be telling you the exact truth... that he needs to work his program without you, that's not about you it's about him. He might even really be trying to be a better
Besides you just do not know what will happen when we trust higher power with all our lives, everything..... then all we have to do is wake up take one step at a time.

I've had you on my mind today- I know how it hurts, seems we all do. Please go to face to face meetings if you can- I remember the pain!
I pray you have a good nights sleep tonight and a peaceful day tomorrow!

talk to your higher power

and make yourself a gratitude list... a list of all the things in life big and small your grateful for. Food, shelter, favorite socks, pet, all you can think of.... I'm told it is impossible to be grateful and sad at the same time.... when you are ready seriously done this list can be a life saver!
Thinking of you wanting the best possible life for you! HUGS.... Glad

-- Edited by glad on Friday 1st of January 2010 09:41:21 PM

CJ recovery · Veteran Member

Your brain knows all the right things, and the emotional mess is your nemesis! You're smart enough that you're looking not at him, but at your emotions. When I get like this I concentrate on the "right" thing, and acknowledge my logic, and thus turn the focus away from the chemical morass that are illogical emotions.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

When I got left once in similar circumstances, one thing that ate at me was how much I had sacrificed vs. how much he had sacrificed. I kept thinking, "I put up with all that, I tried so hard for so long, I invested so much in this over the years! And he never woke up and said, 'I've finally come to my senses and realize how much you've put up with for me and how you've put aside your needs for so long, and I'm going to repay you and make it up to you as best I can, because you're incredible!' Instead of saying that, he leaves me in the dust!" It was just infuriating. Just ^%$*ing infuriating. Incredibly painful.

I don't know what I was thinking, putting in more and more time and suffering, always hoping there would be a payoff somewhere down the line. I guess it was hard to stop because it would mean acknowledging that I'd been taken for a ride. I kept wanting the magical happy ending. I didn't realize the magical happy ending was for me to stop looking for love from someone who was incapable of really relating to another person.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Runner I remember leaving that "stuck" place with my sponsor. I was so into self pity
and beating myself up and accepting blame bla bla bla and one evening after a meeting
when I had a pause in the whole drama he asked me a question..."could you be wrong?".
Yep I could and often was and I was wrong about alot of stuff about me also. I let go
of the alcoholic and put down the whip. I don't do blame any more...it's not a part of a
solution for me. Keep coming back you're okay. It's okay to keep repeating it...
"This doesn't feel good and I'm okay". (((((hugs))))) smile

RunnerChick · Senior Member

I almost think self pity and self hate are a vicious cycle. We beat ourselves up - then realize the disservice we are doing to ourselves and beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up and on and on.

I feel like I'm walking around with twisted insides. Yesterday we had a conversation - it's all the miniuta that seems to be hurting. Maybe I need to try to circumvent my emotions and just handle the realities head on - dividing things up - try to detach from the pain of it. If that's possible? I don't know whether to FEEL my pain fully or to try to avoid it or manage it. I am trying to keep myself busy.

I feel lost, alone and confused and I am DEEPLY, DEEPLY terrified that there is someone else. That he WILL meet someone else and that will make hte rejection even more searing and heart wrenching.

I must focus on me.
Thank you ALLLLL for sharing here. It means everything.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

((((RC))))

Please attempt to treat yourself as you would your best friend. Try to step back and take a look. What would you want for her? How could you help her? Is this all a blessing in disguise?

Not everyone enjoys hearing it, but the suggestion for a grateful list is right on. It's impossible to stay stuck while counting your blessings even though it's much more comfortable to stay where you are. I would suggest adding new things to the list daily and reading it over and acknowledging each gift of gratitude.

Another suggestion is to counteract each negative thought you can catch yourself thinking with a positive thought. Even if you can't muster something good to think about yourself, you can replace it with who you "will be" in the future.
The energy that we have in resistance to things is exactly the amount of energy that is available to DO them. I have that saying stuck on my frig. Simple, but often makes me have an opposite reaction instead of the one the old comfortable or familiar.

When the pain subsides a little, I hope you can see this as a new beginning,  a fresh start to "be", and create who you want to be, no longer the victim of rejection. I also hope one day you will discover that you find what you seek. As you said, you have looked for it, picking up pieces and parts to prove you are right, that you're not worthy. I have learned that what we focus on is what we get. Tunnel vision doesn't allow anything else in!!

When I read your initial post, I had the same thought as Jerry.." The decision to leave is taken out of your hands". Though painful, it is one huge decision you longer have to
suffer angst over.

The Universe, Source, God leads us down some rough roads. Should we choose to follow the lead, we can become empowered and happy individuals. It's when we insist we must drag our self made illusions of rejection, hurt, pain along the path that it feels like pulling a cart of destruction with no wheels. We of course have things happen in our lives that we react to. It's our own illusion of what those reactions mean that can destroy us.
How different would your life be if you didn't look for and consider all was rejection?
"Could you be wrong?" was an excellent question. Perhaps the person just chose to follow a their path and it had nothing to do with rejection, it was just yet again internalized that way. Perhaps this isn't rejection at all but an opportunity?

We come to believe that instances in our lives shape us and make us who we are. We then tend to use it as an excuse to ourselves not to grow or move forward. For me, that is an old way of thinking.
I now believe (and know) it is simply the choice of our reaction that can either keep us stuck or give us momentum.   Otherwise, there would not be people who have faced great adversity only to rise to the top. There are people like Nelson Mandella or Mother Teresa that never lost hope, never quit. We everyday people have the very same thing in us that is dormant, unexcavated or ignored.

I had to do the opposite of what I'd always done/believed to make headway. It's not easy, it's hard as hell.   But... I think choosing to live a lifetime in misery with loads of baggage is 100 times harder then attempting to change our thinking pattern and becoming free to "be".

This too shall pass RC.    Each day that you choose to seek the opposite will be a better day and a little less painful.  That choice will help take the focus off the pain and put it where it belongs, on you and healing. The pain need not have a life of it's own.

((((hugs)))

Christy

-- Edited by Christy on Saturday 2nd of January 2010 02:40:08 PM

agapaga · Newbie

I had some experiences that may be insightful... being married for seven years in a relationship that left me feeling like I was not growing. It was very difficult to leave that marriage, because there was no big event, I was just unhappy, and I tried for seven years to make it "work," but my partner refused to talk with me and have a real relationship ... eventually I did leave and was single for about three years... it was a great growing experience for me. I learned a lot about myself and finally came to the conclusion that I didn't need a relationship, that I was happy just the way I was, with myself, without someone else in a relationship. The very next day I met a woman (I was not "looking for her!") who was very special, and three years later I asked her to marry me. It was not because I was lonely or wasn't happy without a relationship, it was because I was good, very good, and even though I wouldn't have thought it possible, I felt I was actually even better with her in the relationship. I think now that most people don't spend enough time by themselves, getting to know themselves, having a relationship with themself and making their life better. If we did, we would bring a good, worthwhile person into a relationship, not a needy one. Good luck and God Bless you.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know all too well how much this hurts. You may know that my bf let me about 5 months ago and what you are describing is exactly what I felt. I know it hurts so much and it is so hard to accept and there is a long period of feeling numb and empty and full of despair. I can say even after 5 months it still hurts, but not nearly as much. Focus on the reasons you considered leaving that is the thing that works best. I think also filling up your time as much as possible with other activities really helps. I am also thousands of miles from family and friends but decided to stay here and have slowly made new ones. Time changes everything for the good and the bad so just know good is coming and this too shall pass.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.