The material presented
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Saturday I went to a BBQ with some "friends" and with my AH. I was having a terrible time cause I was still upset about the fact he didn't spent X-Mas with us, but with his friends getting drunk. I made the HORRIBLE mistake to confide in a "friend" that I was very tired of the situation and that I always had a plan B just in case, cause he tends to get violent and kicked me out of the house once. Well as soon as I left she told him everything I said, except she said I already had an apartment and money saved up (I do have money, but is emergency cash) and I was going to secretly leave hm and I didn't love him anymore. He came home drunk and high and tried to pick a fight, so I said I didn't want to talk about it right now. Well, he got really mad and what I feared the most happened. He kicked me out, took my keys, and I haven't been to my house since Sunday morning. This is exactly what I asked God so many times to please spare me. But I understand he has a purpose for everything. It's just soo damn hard and painful. I've talked to him, he's angry and trying to hurt me, being rude and petty and contacting girls in facebook and getting drunk and high since Saturday. Out of contro basically. And I've been looking for apts, trying to gt a loan from my boss to buy furniture and just trying to be strong and make this easy.
I'm just so devastated, it hurts. I hurt for my daughter that constantly tells me she want to go home to dad. And I hurt for him, cause I do love him, sober of course. And I hate me for loving him and for still hoping things will get better, even though he's hurt me so much.
On the other hand, HP has opened doors and his family is being super supportive, so I thank God for that.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I am so sorry that this painful situation has developed. Please keep the focus on yourself , pray and come here often and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
I am so sorry this happened to you! I too learned a similar lesson early on in my marriage. I learned that "mutual friends" that also knew my husband simply could not be trusted. They felt loyalty to both of us, so when I was looking for support to escape and tried to "feel them out" to see how much of a friend they were, I got a rude awakening when they ran to my crazy addict A and told him everything!
Since then I learned to keep MY friends away from the A, the less they know each other the better, that way they stay MY friends. I also learned to avoid "bossy" friends who think they know what is best for you and are always trying to run your life, they too cannot be trusted. They may think they are "helping" you avoid a "mistake" by blabbing to your A.
I have found that face to face Alanon friends are best to confide in. They understand WHY you may have to leave and will support you. I hope you are able to find some REAL and supportive friends for YOU soon, so you know you will never be all alone in this.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm aghast at the idea that someone, hearing that you were worried about your A possibly being violent, would choose then to tell him what you had said. This reminds me so much of how the AA books describe some people as "spiritually sick."
It also gives your A another chance to prove how insane the alcohol has made him.
I hope you're able to find a comfortable and safe place to live soon, and can take care of yourself. I remember when I first separated from my A. Our son was two and I had no back-up and I was terrified of having to do it all and be the only responsible adult. (Of course actually I was already the only responsible adult, but I had the hope and the illusion that my A could be a back-up.) I spent a long time adjusting and being very frightened. Gradually it became clear that I could handle everything that was coming my way and that the skies weren't falling in. There was a huge sense of relief and power in seeing that I was more capable than I had thought. Of course, then there was the emotional fallout to cope with. That's where the support of these boards and others in recovery is still helping. We're pulling for you.
(((Priscilla))), If you lived in the states I have lists and lists of resources for you, but you are not alone, you have his family which I am sure helps.
Stay strong and remember to take care of you.
Even though some of us are very far away distance wise we are all here for you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
When I lived with the now ex A, I had a life full of drama, chaos and immense dependency. I also had friends who were enmeshed with the ex A. They all had their sides. Everyone had an opinion on our relationship. There were numerous break ups, the A left came back, left came back and left again. Often those dramatic situations were to get what he wanted which was of course to continue to drink and do drugs.
Being around an active alcoholic depending on the stage they are in is often dramatic, chaotic, full of rejection and immense anger. I think its pretty near impossible not to see their behavior as a reflection on us. Actually it isn't, its a reflection on where they are in their disease. The more progressed they are, often the more chaotic they are and the even more desperate to continue drinking.
Al anon can be a huge resource for you so can battered womens organizations. You have reasonable reason to be fearful of him given his behavior.
I understand full well the devastation, anger, confusion, povery you are in. I've been there. I can't say my life is absolutely hunky dory these days. I have many many problems and issues. Nevertheless my life did change dramatically when I eventually left the ex A.
No one here is going to judge you, tell you what to do. There is no question Al anon can help. There are meetings here if you can do the time zone. There is a chat room which also has people in it who are comforting, knowledgeable and non judgemental.
